Marginal living

My mother-in-law is in town and we spent Mon-Thurs carting around town going to doctors' appointments with Lil L in tow. She said she felt bad that she was taking up so much of my time with these appointments. But in truth, for me, the reason why I set aside my career is so that I would have that kind of time. Obviously, when we made the choice, we didn't specifically anticipate that she would be ill and need this kind of medical care and chose to come stay with us while receiving such care.

In our pre-baby days, N and I worked 50+ hr wks while actively serving in the church and for us, we found it was hard to simply be married. We had to work for mere relational maintenance much less relational thriving. I don't know what people see when they see us, but we are not high capacity people. We don't have endless reserves to this, that, and the other. We say no to things for the sake of our own health.

So we did not have tortured discussions about what to do about the crazy life. Given that he earned enough to support us both, it seemed obvious that we should choose a different life when the opportunity presented itself. In 2009, N got two job offers: one for a lucrative start-up in the traditional video game industry and another in an offshoot branch of the game industry that offered better hours. We took the better hours which turned out to be more interesting work and the other company has since downsized. Also in 2009, I finished my degree. Instead of starting a national job search of a tenure-track professorship, I stayed at home with Lil L and did some side gigs.

What we were wanting were margins, unfilled space in life. In our culture of busyness, I think it's easy for Christ followers to believe that a crammed schedule is a spiritual life -- and extra spiritual if a lot of the cramming is from obviously spiritual activity. Instead, we believe that letting go of the crammed schedule, having margins, allows us to experience unique moments of grace. We have time for people in all those unplanned ways; sidewalk conversations with neighbors, extra minutes staring at produce in the grocery store with Lil L, sitting in doctor's offices with my mother-in-law.

This is not to give some bucolic impression of a suburban pastoral (if that's possible). I don't know my mother-in-law well, and we have not been instant buddies. The past week has been a time of intense reflection for me; I have been faced with anger, frustration, and total exhaustion. At the same time, I have learned from my mother-in-law, learned about her, and learned about God's heart for both her and me.

This is also not to say that having one spouse not work for pay is the only way to have margins. As I said, we are not high capacity people; N works in a well-paying field; and I work in a field that tends to be all or nothing. There's not a lot of part-time opportunities.

What I am encouraging is a little more open space in our schedules, a little more marginal living, and a few more unexpected encounters.

For more thoughts on living with margins I recommend (these are not affiliate links):
Margins: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson
--A book directly on this subject

Busier than Ever: Why American Families Can't Slow Down by Darrah, Freeman, and English-Leuck
--An anthropological look at dual-income families in Silicon Valley