Something I've documented here is that my transition to mom-life has been rocky. But in a recent conversation with a new mom, I realized how far along I've come. I see my children as treasure, not stumbled-acrossed treasure, but hunted treasure.
The kids are now 4 and 2 and I'd say it took three years to come to this. I think a lot of it was sleep deprivation. We spent most of those first three years crazy tired. Another part of it was the radical shift for me from academic life to home life. And another piece was the developmental stage my kids were at.
At their current age, my kids are able to express themselves; their wants, needs, their highs and their lows. With practice, I'm better at listening, but they have also grown into better communicating. They are becoming their own persons with their own personalities which are distinct and different.
They are so much more independent. I have to make excuses to pick them up because their fine on their own two feet. Fine and FAST. They can and do find things to amuse themselves and for extended periods of time. And they can be more or less trusted not to kill themselves. They have the sensibility that outlets are not for play, that little pieces shouldn't go in the mouth, running in the street is a bad idea -- what a relief.
The bickering they get into drives me around the bend, but I can empathize. I sure did a lot of fighting with my own siblings in my day.
Both of them also had minor but significant health scares in their first couple years. Significant in that these issues had to be attended to. Minor in that we weren't dealing with cancer or something more nebulous requiring loads of doctor and therapist visits. So on this side of things where we have their health sorted out and are adjusted to their various food restrictions, wow are they precious to us. Wow are we grateful for good health.
We have two healthy children who run around and do kid things, who marvel at the world, play with passion, cry with greater passion, who fight and hug and kiss and make up, who jump up and down in excitement about anticipated wonders like grandma and grandpa visiting and waffles and going to the park.
People talk about loving their spouse more after many years together, but somehow mothers are supposed to fall in love with their child the first moment the lay eyes on them. I'm sure it happens for some, but for me, I am much more able to cherish my kids today than when I got them. They are treasure to us.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Oh Come let us Adore Him
We have started singing Christmas Carols at church! I love it!
This week as we sang Oh Come Let us Adore Him, I thought about the "three wise men", aka rich foreigners of indeterminate number on a long trip to a backwater Roman province, and what it might have been like for them to visit toddler Jesus and bow to him.
Venerating a toddler is basically unfathomable for me. I can only grasp at it. I know that in Buddhism sometimes they have young deities. And I imagine that in hereditary monarchies people get used to the occasional young monarch or heir apparent. But I'm a Protestant American. If anything it is taboo to venerate people for anything other than their accomplishments. There's a vague notion of "First Families" but it's got a vague tint of unAmericanness about it.
But there you go. In Matthew chapter two, it says these "Magi" end up at Jesus' house, bow down to him, and present him gifts. I wonder what could have moved them to do that? It says they saw a "star when it rose" and they interpreted that as the birth of a new king of the Jews. First, how? and second, how does that lead them to conclude that what they need to do is take a long journey to find this new king and worship him which is what the text says they do? That's a lot of conviction followed by spending, the money, time and effort. I wonder what their servants thought about this whole hare-brained adventure?
Then I wonder what these guys thought when they discovered the new king wasn't going to be found in a palace but probably the village of Bethlehem? Like, is that ok? Do they question their quest at this point? A king? but not in the palace? (And I notice that Herod puts two and two together really quick and decides this new king is the "promised Messiah". This does not stop him from ordering the deaths of a whole bunch of toddlers in the hopes of getting this aforementioned Messiah dead.) But back to the Magi, in any event, they move on from the palace and a star leads them to Mary and Jesus.
As far as the text go, we don't know that Mary and Joseph had any special social status. But in the Magi go, into the house, and they bow down. Wild. Toddler boys don't look like much. Wide-eyed, with round bellies and stumping legs, they kind of hoover up life innocently. They are not worship material. They are barely contained chaos, don't-touch-that, don't-eat-that kinds of beings. Maybe toddler Jesus was special and glowed or something. But I like to believe that these foreigners simply had a God-given revelation that this kid was special and had special meaning for the world. In any event, however, they felt about the events that led up to that recorded meeting, they worshiped, and Jesus even as toddler deserved that worship.
As I look ahead to 2014, I am exploring whether to commit my time to a couple new projects. My thing with projects that involve people is that I like metrics but I believe in the value of people. So left to my instincts, I will pursue outcomes over individuals. But as I think about venerating a teething, drooling, pooping toddler, I'm reminded that just as Jesus deserved worship before he "accomplished" anything, that if I take on a project my first goal is not to fulfill metrics. Instead I need to live as a human being treating others as other human beings who have a Jesus-derived worth.
This week as we sang Oh Come Let us Adore Him, I thought about the "three wise men", aka rich foreigners of indeterminate number on a long trip to a backwater Roman province, and what it might have been like for them to visit toddler Jesus and bow to him.
Venerating a toddler is basically unfathomable for me. I can only grasp at it. I know that in Buddhism sometimes they have young deities. And I imagine that in hereditary monarchies people get used to the occasional young monarch or heir apparent. But I'm a Protestant American. If anything it is taboo to venerate people for anything other than their accomplishments. There's a vague notion of "First Families" but it's got a vague tint of unAmericanness about it.
But there you go. In Matthew chapter two, it says these "Magi" end up at Jesus' house, bow down to him, and present him gifts. I wonder what could have moved them to do that? It says they saw a "star when it rose" and they interpreted that as the birth of a new king of the Jews. First, how? and second, how does that lead them to conclude that what they need to do is take a long journey to find this new king and worship him which is what the text says they do? That's a lot of conviction followed by spending, the money, time and effort. I wonder what their servants thought about this whole hare-brained adventure?
Then I wonder what these guys thought when they discovered the new king wasn't going to be found in a palace but probably the village of Bethlehem? Like, is that ok? Do they question their quest at this point? A king? but not in the palace? (And I notice that Herod puts two and two together really quick and decides this new king is the "promised Messiah". This does not stop him from ordering the deaths of a whole bunch of toddlers in the hopes of getting this aforementioned Messiah dead.) But back to the Magi, in any event, they move on from the palace and a star leads them to Mary and Jesus.
As far as the text go, we don't know that Mary and Joseph had any special social status. But in the Magi go, into the house, and they bow down. Wild. Toddler boys don't look like much. Wide-eyed, with round bellies and stumping legs, they kind of hoover up life innocently. They are not worship material. They are barely contained chaos, don't-touch-that, don't-eat-that kinds of beings. Maybe toddler Jesus was special and glowed or something. But I like to believe that these foreigners simply had a God-given revelation that this kid was special and had special meaning for the world. In any event, however, they felt about the events that led up to that recorded meeting, they worshiped, and Jesus even as toddler deserved that worship.
As I look ahead to 2014, I am exploring whether to commit my time to a couple new projects. My thing with projects that involve people is that I like metrics but I believe in the value of people. So left to my instincts, I will pursue outcomes over individuals. But as I think about venerating a teething, drooling, pooping toddler, I'm reminded that just as Jesus deserved worship before he "accomplished" anything, that if I take on a project my first goal is not to fulfill metrics. Instead I need to live as a human being treating others as other human beings who have a Jesus-derived worth.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Cool Tools of 2013
--Camelbak water bottles: I wish there were plain ones without the weird graphics, but after having my son shatter several cheap water bottles, this is the one that has survived. The nibs got shredded every time he teethed, but I found the replacement easy to order online at Amazon. Now that he has all his teeth, his nib has remained intact. Over the same amount of time, our older child only wore out 1 nib.
--Real pipe cleaners: These have cotten bristles with some stiffer plastic? ones too. Clean the gross crevasses of kid things very well. Particularly the aforementioned Camelbak nibs.
--Kitchen timer: I know I've praised the kitchen time in previous years for kitchen things, but now we have an owl shaped one for the kids. We sometimes dole out "toy time" when both kids want the same item. 5 minutes each, for example. All too frequently, the first kid doesn't even play with the toy for the full time allotted, but at least the screaming stops. Other times, we give the toy itself time out and neither kids can play with the toy for a bit. I love my timers.
--Emergent Task Planner: I occasionally follow David Seah's productivity blog and found this there. I printout a week's worth of pages on Sunday and line up my calendar for the week. The big win for this thing is that I use it to keep track of what I can do in the nooks and crannies of time I have.
--MyFitnessPal: This year I tried this and the LiveStrong food tracker. I ended up mostly using MyFitnessPal, but I can't say I have a strong feeling between the two. Generally speaking, I found food tracking to be useful for hitting my protein goals for the day. But then again, I like data.
--Sanitaire Vacuum: Can't remember if I blogged this one already, but it's an inexpensive industrial canister vacuum for hard surfaces and low pile carpet which describes the most trafficked parts of our house. Works great particularly for this great price point of under $100. Not super awesome on regular carpet, but we don't have that much of that and we have lots of kitchen/living room cruft. And it is stellar there. Easy to change out the bag and an add on HEPA filter is available which we use.
--Google Calendar Reminders: N taught me this year that events added to Google Calendar can be set up to send an email a certain amount of time before the event. I check my email more than gcal, so this helps me make sure I get certain things done each week like restarting the sourdough. We've also started to use this to make sure to do other things quarterly or semiannually like calling the HVAC people for an AC checkup or changing the air filter periodically.
--WorksheetWorks.com: Alorithmically creates new worksheets in many school subjects. L is only able to do the simplest ones, but she likes doing them, and it's simple enough to print them out. Nice if your kids likes to "play" school. Probably would also be good for elementary schoolers who need more practice on certain topics.
--Local Library: This is the best place to deal with children's books. Children's books are hit and miss in quality. The library is a first line of defense against terrible books. Even then, the library sometimes gets sucked into having bad books. Fortunately, it was a collective taxpayer burden, and you can return the offending book. On the downside, if your kid falls in love with a book, eventually after all the renewals are used up, you have to return the book or buy your own copy. Hopefully, in the next year, I'll be able to go to the library with the kids again. Currently, it's too much to manage two kids in the kids' book section.
--Real pipe cleaners: These have cotten bristles with some stiffer plastic? ones too. Clean the gross crevasses of kid things very well. Particularly the aforementioned Camelbak nibs.
--Kitchen timer: I know I've praised the kitchen time in previous years for kitchen things, but now we have an owl shaped one for the kids. We sometimes dole out "toy time" when both kids want the same item. 5 minutes each, for example. All too frequently, the first kid doesn't even play with the toy for the full time allotted, but at least the screaming stops. Other times, we give the toy itself time out and neither kids can play with the toy for a bit. I love my timers.
--Emergent Task Planner: I occasionally follow David Seah's productivity blog and found this there. I printout a week's worth of pages on Sunday and line up my calendar for the week. The big win for this thing is that I use it to keep track of what I can do in the nooks and crannies of time I have.
--MyFitnessPal: This year I tried this and the LiveStrong food tracker. I ended up mostly using MyFitnessPal, but I can't say I have a strong feeling between the two. Generally speaking, I found food tracking to be useful for hitting my protein goals for the day. But then again, I like data.
--Sanitaire Vacuum: Can't remember if I blogged this one already, but it's an inexpensive industrial canister vacuum for hard surfaces and low pile carpet which describes the most trafficked parts of our house. Works great particularly for this great price point of under $100. Not super awesome on regular carpet, but we don't have that much of that and we have lots of kitchen/living room cruft. And it is stellar there. Easy to change out the bag and an add on HEPA filter is available which we use.
--Google Calendar Reminders: N taught me this year that events added to Google Calendar can be set up to send an email a certain amount of time before the event. I check my email more than gcal, so this helps me make sure I get certain things done each week like restarting the sourdough. We've also started to use this to make sure to do other things quarterly or semiannually like calling the HVAC people for an AC checkup or changing the air filter periodically.
--WorksheetWorks.com: Alorithmically creates new worksheets in many school subjects. L is only able to do the simplest ones, but she likes doing them, and it's simple enough to print them out. Nice if your kids likes to "play" school. Probably would also be good for elementary schoolers who need more practice on certain topics.
--Local Library: This is the best place to deal with children's books. Children's books are hit and miss in quality. The library is a first line of defense against terrible books. Even then, the library sometimes gets sucked into having bad books. Fortunately, it was a collective taxpayer burden, and you can return the offending book. On the downside, if your kid falls in love with a book, eventually after all the renewals are used up, you have to return the book or buy your own copy. Hopefully, in the next year, I'll be able to go to the library with the kids again. Currently, it's too much to manage two kids in the kids' book section.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanksgiving: From life to death and the in between
This year has been so dramatic; it's really nice to wind down the year with a deeper realization of how much I have to be grateful for. Somewhat chronologically, here's my list:
--In the early part of the year, I was working my way through another episode of depression which we treated as seasonal affective disorder and changed up my meds. The new meds had bad side effects, but I did eventually adapt. Between them and a new therapist, the ship was righted. The transition back on the same medication this fall was much smoother and I'm doing way better than I was doing this time last year. I am thankful that depression is not my sword of Damocles.
--Our daughter learned to read before I expected her to. This freaked me out. I'm thankful I've since gotten over it.
--Our son was so severely underweight that he was tested for what seemed like everything under the sun, including cystic fibrosis -- twice. All the tests were negative! Shortly after testing, despite a negative celiac test, we removed gluten from his diet and he has since gained about a pound a month and is back on the growth chart. What an amazing relief! Praise God!
--I picked up a small contract position with Zoobean.com this year as a book curator. I select the best of the children's picture books I come across adding them to the Zoobean library and tagging them so they can go out in personalized book subscriptions for kids. This has been super fun and provides a little "egg money". I'm thankful my new interest in literacy has found a new (non-academic) outlet.
--Speaking of interest in literacy, I'm thankful my paper on mother-infant book interactions has been published. Actually, I only kind of care that it's been published. I'm more thankful that my husband supported my researching and writing a new paper.
--I am thankful for my in-laws. We had a great visit to their neck of the woods this summer. Then, when I decided to go ahead with shoulder surgery, my mother-in-law came to our place for 2 weeks and ran the house while I sat around in a drug-induced daze. They are also wonderful with the kids. One thing I really enjoy is that they regularly send postcards to the kids.
--We bought investment property this year. This was not part of the "plan", but we are thankful for good renters.
--In addition to unexpected surgery and unexpected property buying, my dad had an unexpected cancer diagnosis this summer. A large throat mass became a whatzit, became a we're taking it out anyways, became well, that was cancer. It was a hard period of just not knowing what was going on and having different doctors say different things, but on the other side of it all, we are so thankful this was caught early and currently does not require any chemo or radiation, just periodic scans.
--So my dad's thing was a reminder of the nearness of death. This summer, our daughter's namesake, a former missionary and a mentor of mine, passed away. I'm so thankful that in the past few years she's included our house in her epic road trips. It was a real privilege to have her in our lives.
--And just so we don't wallow in death, a life story! Our dear nephew was added to our family this year. He came 8 weeks early and scared the tar out of an already frazzled family. Thankfully, he was everything you could hope for for a preemie. He was born at a sizable weight with well-developed lungs. He was never in a scary situation during his hospital stay and was sent home before his actual due date. He makes great faces and is super cute.
--In these uncertain times, we joined the many families across the country that received no pay in October although our situation wasn't directly caused my the government shutdown it did coincide with that. During his "furlough", N looked for an found another job for better pay and a shorter commute. How about them apples? No pay is no pay and that was stressful, but we're so thankful for the quick resolution to that issue. So far N has liked the new job, and we're getting back into that work-groove after having daddy home with us for 5 weeks. I am also thankful N's work has nothing to do with healthcare.gov. Those must be some frustrated programmers.
--I should update on this in its own post, but shoulder surgery appears to be a success. I've been out of the sling for 2 months and I can do everything I want with it--household chores like laundry, mom chores like tickling and hugging, sleeping on it, and lifting weights. A good outcome was never guaranteed, so we're thankful that things have knit back together nicely.
I am not a naturally thankful person. I'm a naturally anxious person. Even in the list above, I have my what-ifs and but-that-could-changes, but if the drama of this year has taught me anything, it has taught me to bet on Jesus. I want to predict the worst possible outcome and rage against the "unfairness". But time after time, when I choose to trust, I see and tangibly experience that God is in control and can be counted on. Things don't go according to my plan, but that doesn't mean there isn't goodness to be found and life to be thankful for.
--In the early part of the year, I was working my way through another episode of depression which we treated as seasonal affective disorder and changed up my meds. The new meds had bad side effects, but I did eventually adapt. Between them and a new therapist, the ship was righted. The transition back on the same medication this fall was much smoother and I'm doing way better than I was doing this time last year. I am thankful that depression is not my sword of Damocles.
--Our daughter learned to read before I expected her to. This freaked me out. I'm thankful I've since gotten over it.
--Our son was so severely underweight that he was tested for what seemed like everything under the sun, including cystic fibrosis -- twice. All the tests were negative! Shortly after testing, despite a negative celiac test, we removed gluten from his diet and he has since gained about a pound a month and is back on the growth chart. What an amazing relief! Praise God!
--I picked up a small contract position with Zoobean.com this year as a book curator. I select the best of the children's picture books I come across adding them to the Zoobean library and tagging them so they can go out in personalized book subscriptions for kids. This has been super fun and provides a little "egg money". I'm thankful my new interest in literacy has found a new (non-academic) outlet.
--Speaking of interest in literacy, I'm thankful my paper on mother-infant book interactions has been published. Actually, I only kind of care that it's been published. I'm more thankful that my husband supported my researching and writing a new paper.
--I am thankful for my in-laws. We had a great visit to their neck of the woods this summer. Then, when I decided to go ahead with shoulder surgery, my mother-in-law came to our place for 2 weeks and ran the house while I sat around in a drug-induced daze. They are also wonderful with the kids. One thing I really enjoy is that they regularly send postcards to the kids.
--We bought investment property this year. This was not part of the "plan", but we are thankful for good renters.
--In addition to unexpected surgery and unexpected property buying, my dad had an unexpected cancer diagnosis this summer. A large throat mass became a whatzit, became a we're taking it out anyways, became well, that was cancer. It was a hard period of just not knowing what was going on and having different doctors say different things, but on the other side of it all, we are so thankful this was caught early and currently does not require any chemo or radiation, just periodic scans.
--So my dad's thing was a reminder of the nearness of death. This summer, our daughter's namesake, a former missionary and a mentor of mine, passed away. I'm so thankful that in the past few years she's included our house in her epic road trips. It was a real privilege to have her in our lives.
--And just so we don't wallow in death, a life story! Our dear nephew was added to our family this year. He came 8 weeks early and scared the tar out of an already frazzled family. Thankfully, he was everything you could hope for for a preemie. He was born at a sizable weight with well-developed lungs. He was never in a scary situation during his hospital stay and was sent home before his actual due date. He makes great faces and is super cute.
--In these uncertain times, we joined the many families across the country that received no pay in October although our situation wasn't directly caused my the government shutdown it did coincide with that. During his "furlough", N looked for an found another job for better pay and a shorter commute. How about them apples? No pay is no pay and that was stressful, but we're so thankful for the quick resolution to that issue. So far N has liked the new job, and we're getting back into that work-groove after having daddy home with us for 5 weeks. I am also thankful N's work has nothing to do with healthcare.gov. Those must be some frustrated programmers.
--I should update on this in its own post, but shoulder surgery appears to be a success. I've been out of the sling for 2 months and I can do everything I want with it--household chores like laundry, mom chores like tickling and hugging, sleeping on it, and lifting weights. A good outcome was never guaranteed, so we're thankful that things have knit back together nicely.
I am not a naturally thankful person. I'm a naturally anxious person. Even in the list above, I have my what-ifs and but-that-could-changes, but if the drama of this year has taught me anything, it has taught me to bet on Jesus. I want to predict the worst possible outcome and rage against the "unfairness". But time after time, when I choose to trust, I see and tangibly experience that God is in control and can be counted on. Things don't go according to my plan, but that doesn't mean there isn't goodness to be found and life to be thankful for.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Book Review: Seeking God's Face
When I was a kid, I was introduced to two kinds of personal interactions with God, aka "daily devotion" or "quiet time". The first was a short lesson based on a short verse. You read it and move on. The second was Search the Scriptures which involved reading a longer passage and then answering questions about it, in other words, the Bible as homework.
To this day to my mind, the "gold" standard for personal time with God is a study about a book or topic that goes deep into the Bible. But what I find I want and am able to sustain is regular touches with God of scripture and the thoughts of other believers.
Last Christmas, N got me this book, Seeking God's Face, and it fit really well into my life this past year. There's been a lot to like about the book. In no particular order:
To this day to my mind, the "gold" standard for personal time with God is a study about a book or topic that goes deep into the Bible. But what I find I want and am able to sustain is regular touches with God of scripture and the thoughts of other believers.
Last Christmas, N got me this book, Seeking God's Face, and it fit really well into my life this past year. There's been a lot to like about the book. In no particular order:
- The book feels good in the hand with a soft/fake leather cover and nice pages with a book mark ribbon.
- It's organized around the church calendar noting Advent, Lent, Easter, Ordinary time and so forth. It hits that at the right amount of detail for me; the major time divisions without every feast day.
- Each day is 2 pages of text. Just about right for a moment with my cup of coffee after the kids have finished breakfast and before we get going for the day.
- Through a week, the opening verse and the closing blessing with be the same. This has allowed me to "hum" along with a theme for the week.
- There are several reminders to slow down, be quiet, and reflect on the passages just read.
- Each day there's a new bit from Psalms and one from somewhere else in the Bible. Some times the "somewhere else" bit will follow a story for a few days in a row.
- Because of the church calendar thing, each entry is specifically dated for the years 2011-2026? So if I miss a few days, I know exactly how many days it's been since my bookmark moved.
- At the end, there are a few bullet points for prayer items. The ones I've been struck by this year is praying for different geographical areas, leaders in different spheres of influence like government and business, and care for the environment. I tend to bristle if I feel like people have an "agenda" about how I should feel about things as a believer. These prayer items have reminded me that no matter how I think things should be, I should submit them to God's care first.
- I've really been challenged by the short written prayer at the end of each reading. The prayers are based on a classic creed or confession but they are so fresh and pertinent to how my heart can be now.
All this to say that this book has kept me at the "spring of living water" this year. It's less intense than a deep dive into the Bible, but very tangible and consistent. Or maybe a way to say it is that it's helped me get back into the habit of hearing God through the Bible.
As advent approaches in a few short days, I'm not sure what to do. Like the church year, Advent is the beginning of this book, so I'm in the last few pages of it at the moment. I have liked the Nouwen book I have for Advent readings, so I may head back there for the season. We'll see. Anyways, outside of Advent and Lent for which I have other materials, Seeking God's Face is an excellent way to spend a bit of time with God daily.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Language teaching experiment
I'm currently in a real stretching place in my teaching experience and wanted to reflect on it a little bit.
PAST
My previous experience with language teaching has mostly fallen under "language for specific purposes." My students want to accomplish something, I help them do it. So I've done some business English and then quite a bit of academic English. I've mostly taught intermediate to advanced students and mostly classes of 8-16. Usually, at least 4 contact hours a week.
CURRENT
I am currently taking one woman from ground zero in Russian as she and her family prepare to move to Central Asia. Here are some features of what we're doing:
PAST
My previous experience with language teaching has mostly fallen under "language for specific purposes." My students want to accomplish something, I help them do it. So I've done some business English and then quite a bit of academic English. I've mostly taught intermediate to advanced students and mostly classes of 8-16. Usually, at least 4 contact hours a week.
CURRENT
I am currently taking one woman from ground zero in Russian as she and her family prepare to move to Central Asia. Here are some features of what we're doing:
- Time is limited: We have 1 contact hour per week assuming our kids are healthy. Her life is quite full, so time for independent practice is hard to find.
- Basic functionality: Navigating a new town with kids in tow is tricky, doing it in another language is trickier. We're trying to get her some basic language skills to help navigate the basics of taking care of a family.
- Ling 101: Their end goal is to learn both Russian and their local Turkic language (LTL). Having studied both Kazakh and Azeri in addition to Russian, I'm trying to introduce linguistic concepts that will help with acquiring both target languages even though, I'm not actually competent to teach a Turkic language (and only barely competent to teach Russian, haha).
THOUGHTS
This has so far been a fun challenge. It helps that my student comes from a technical background so when I dump an IPA chart on her, I don't feel that guilty. She can handle it, and it'll be useful to know the basics of phonetics. We've been able to do basic contrastive analysis of North American English consonants and vowels versus Russian and their LTL. My hope is that she'll be able to take this information plus her general analytical abilities to be a better listener.
Starting from ground zero with someone has really made me think about success and motivation. I'm trying to tune each lesson for demonstrated success and an obvious connection with her goals. So after two lessons, we've gone through the numbers 1-4 and reviewed all the sounds in Russian phonology, but we haven't spent a lot of time doing lots of other things one might do in the early lessons.
One surprise is the difference between lesson one and two. In the first lesson, we were very done after an hour. Lots of new sounds and new ideas. We'd done some simple listening comprehension with total physical response and an intro to Russian consonants. In the second lesson, we wrapped up after 70 minutes, but it felt like we could have kept going. We'd reviewed some, practiced a new phrase, gone over Russian vowels and the concept of palatalization, and then added about 20 food words.
Going forward, I think we'll obviously work on more vocabulary for day-to-day objects and more phrases that are useful for getting things done. What's not obvious to me is what grammatical concepts to introduce. To my mind, the goal of introducing grammar at this point is not to move toward mastery but to ensure that she's exposed to the very idea that a language can be organized in such a way. If she had any experience with a language like Latin or Greek, I'd be less concerned, but that's not the case here.
Well those are my thoughts right now. I think my next step will be to read my Kazakh grammar book to remind myself of the grammatical concepts that overlap with Russian. The two languages aren't in the same family at all, but in some places they are closer to one another than they are to English.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Weightlifting retrospective
So I've been to the gym lifting weights every week this year since I signed up in January except a few weeks around my shoulder surgery. Here are some miscellaneous thoughts about the experience.
I took weighlifting a couple times in college. That was always machine work and nothing much ever came of it. This was very different. I followed the barbell exercises as described in Starting Strength by Mark Rippetoe and the routine laid out in the back of the book, called "programming".
I took weighlifting a couple times in college. That was always machine work and nothing much ever came of it. This was very different. I followed the barbell exercises as described in Starting Strength by Mark Rippetoe and the routine laid out in the back of the book, called "programming".
- Shortly after starting barbell training, carrying my toddler became much less onerous and painful and thus more willing to carry him. That was a plus.
- Eating is part of the program. As a woman with all the cultural stuff about food and appearance, eating is the hardest part of the program. It's both difficult to eat enough calories and enough protein within those calories. I aim for 2000cal and 200 g of protein a day. Left to my own devices, I eat about 1600-1700 calories of mostly carbs and fat with 70-90 g of protein.
- Progressing in weights is extremely motivating. In the six weeks since I got out of the sling, I started my deadlift at 35lbs and today lifted 195lbs 5 times. Before surgery, I went from a 25lb overhead press to 80lbs. A 45lb squat to 175.
- This summer before surgery, I had to do a bunch of outdoor work, turning over the garden, fixing a deck. I had a lot more stamina and ability to do that kind of work and very little soreness afterwards. I liked that a lot.
- Body image is very tricky. I weigh more than I ever have while not pregnant. My adult weight has been a steady 140. This year I've been about 155. My jeans are the same size, but I did recently get a different cut that is a bit fuller in the thighs. I have a more hourglass figure now, but I can't say I really know what to do with it.
- Recovery after shoulder surgery was supposed to be quicker for having spent so much time in the gym before hand. Today is 3 months post-op and the shoulder is just about unnoticeable. So I certainly think the training before and after have sped up a process I expected would take much longer. I'm sleeping through the night. I have the flexibility to back squat. I am pressing over 45 lbs which was my 6 month goal.
- I don't like that my gym is far enough away to add 20-30 min to my "gym time". But it is inexpensive and that includes childcare. That is one reason why I don't think I'll keep this up long term. I just don't want to devote this much time in these blocks of time to "exercise". Workouts are usually 50-70 min long. So another 20-30 minutes of travel really becomes a significant chunk.
- Cardio endurance is rarely necessary in my ordinary life. I have trained for a 5 and 10K in the past couple years. And that's nice. It was a social thing. But there was no carry over to regular life. Strength training has improved my quality of life: better toddler holding, more able to schlepp other stuff around safely, better posture etc.
- Being able to move around weights greater than my own body weight feels GREAT! and totally assuages any issues I have about my weight being higher than "normal".
All in all, I'm super happy about finding Starting Strength and being able to do it. My mom made exercise my Christmas present by sending me money for it. And I think this year will impact the choices I make in the years to come.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Unfailing
I came across this saying in Proverbs as if for the first time:
I think about the life-shattering pain of having a friend and partner of 25+ years walk out, and I think about the contrast with unfailing love. I think about my relationship with my parents and my kids. While my parents have loved me well, I'm coming to terms with the fact that they are in the last leg of their race, nearing their finish line. Death with bring their love to an end (in many ways, but not all perhaps.) When I look at my kids, I wonder if they know that I want to love them despite what they do because Jesus loves me despite what I do? I'm not very good at it, mine is a very much failing love.
Upon reflection, so many things in life remind me of this thirst for unfailing love, an insatiable thirst. Except in Jesus. Now that I've been meditating on unfailing love, I'm finding that the Bible refers to the unfailing love of God all the time. The Jesus Storybook Bible calls it something like God's "never failing, never giving up, always and forever love".
Anyways, I'll keep writing on this periodically, I think. It's been a very fruitful couple weeks thinking about this.
What a person desires is unfailing love (Proverbs, chpt 19)As our neighborhood shepherds one of our own through spousal abandonment, this notion of unfailing love has clanged around in my heart and head for the past several weeks.
I think about the life-shattering pain of having a friend and partner of 25+ years walk out, and I think about the contrast with unfailing love. I think about my relationship with my parents and my kids. While my parents have loved me well, I'm coming to terms with the fact that they are in the last leg of their race, nearing their finish line. Death with bring their love to an end (in many ways, but not all perhaps.) When I look at my kids, I wonder if they know that I want to love them despite what they do because Jesus loves me despite what I do? I'm not very good at it, mine is a very much failing love.
Upon reflection, so many things in life remind me of this thirst for unfailing love, an insatiable thirst. Except in Jesus. Now that I've been meditating on unfailing love, I'm finding that the Bible refers to the unfailing love of God all the time. The Jesus Storybook Bible calls it something like God's "never failing, never giving up, always and forever love".
Anyways, I'll keep writing on this periodically, I think. It's been a very fruitful couple weeks thinking about this.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Early Reader Books, Part 2
Well, I should get on with Part 2 of my Early Reader series.
Our reader renewed her interest in reading about April and April through June was working through pre-reader and "Level 1" books. Although, as I mentioned before Level 1 was actually a pretty hit or miss "Level". So the rest of the summer to now, she's been comfortably cruising "Level 2" books and some "Level 3" books as the mood strikes her. For most of this time, I've been checking out stacks of books and giving her 2-4 books a day. I try to throw in some non-fiction, but she hasn't been interested. My approach is like my approach to vegetables, I set them in front of her and hope she'll eventually try some.
Anyways, here are our favorite series from this summer.
Cynthia Rylant has created many series of early readers, of which we really liked three: Henry and Mudge; Annie and Snowball, and Mr. Putter and Tabby. I liked them because the language seemed well within reach for our reader. She liked them because she liked the characters and that there were more books about those same characters. My only quirk about them is that all the characters from top to bottom are Caucasian when ethnicity is incidental to the stories. Would have been nice for a few of the characters to be illustrated as something else.
Another series we liked involved the antics of Cowgirl Kate and Cocoa. Yes, another human-animal relationship but at this point, anything that maintains reader interest and isn't otherwise awful is quite nice.
Longer than the previous series mentioned, Cork and Fuzz by Chaconas are two animal friends who get along like the Odd Couple. Initially, the greater length made our reader sigh, but now she takes them on with aplomb.
Our reader renewed her interest in reading about April and April through June was working through pre-reader and "Level 1" books. Although, as I mentioned before Level 1 was actually a pretty hit or miss "Level". So the rest of the summer to now, she's been comfortably cruising "Level 2" books and some "Level 3" books as the mood strikes her. For most of this time, I've been checking out stacks of books and giving her 2-4 books a day. I try to throw in some non-fiction, but she hasn't been interested. My approach is like my approach to vegetables, I set them in front of her and hope she'll eventually try some.
Anyways, here are our favorite series from this summer.
Cynthia Rylant has created many series of early readers, of which we really liked three: Henry and Mudge; Annie and Snowball, and Mr. Putter and Tabby. I liked them because the language seemed well within reach for our reader. She liked them because she liked the characters and that there were more books about those same characters. My only quirk about them is that all the characters from top to bottom are Caucasian when ethnicity is incidental to the stories. Would have been nice for a few of the characters to be illustrated as something else.
Another series we liked involved the antics of Cowgirl Kate and Cocoa. Yes, another human-animal relationship but at this point, anything that maintains reader interest and isn't otherwise awful is quite nice.
Longer than the previous series mentioned, Cork and Fuzz by Chaconas are two animal friends who get along like the Odd Couple. Initially, the greater length made our reader sigh, but now she takes them on with aplomb.
Honestly, by the end of the summer we had exhausted the library branch near us. So lately, I've been over to another branch not too much further away and have been happy to have a new set of books available. As always, I would love more recommendations for good early reader books.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Lowly things
A week or so ago, I was reading the Naaman story in 2nd Kings. Naaman is this "very important person", but he gets the very common and fatal disease leprosy. A Jewish servant girl of his suggests that a prophet in her country can heal him. So he and his entourage travel a long way and when they finally get to this prophet, the prophet a) won't come out to see him and b) through a messenger tells him to take a bath in the local river (vs. 10).
Naaman was really mad having had his expectations of lofty magic dashed to pieces (vs. 11). He kind of has a petulant metropolitan fit exclaiming
But as any of the dozen people who read this blog know, that's not what I'm doing now at all. I'm a suburban mom who drives a minivan on nicely paved streets, in a friendly neighborhood, with good schools and convenient shopping. Like Naaman, this has felt like a downshift, a turn in the wrong direction. But instead I have been learning to live in a completely different dimension than I thought possible.
It used to be a black and white distinction between awesome or awful, advancing or retreating. We live in a culture of "dream big". I'm learning to dream deeper. When a girl has a baby and can't buy diapers, the need is obvious. But on my street, the needs are rarely that obvious but just as compelling.
We're into our third year at this address, and the sidewalk interactions are building a foundation of friendship that's allowing us unusual access into our neighbors lives. Our dreams are not about our neighborhood but our neighbors, the ones on our street. And I'm not thinking about how to solve world peace or start a movement, but how to bring living water to the dry places in the lives of my "common, suburban" friends.
I would be willing to move my family to the ends of the earth or some other "great thing" if God had asked that of us. But our ordinary, not glamorous, street is turning to be ok too, more than ok.
Naaman was really mad having had his expectations of lofty magic dashed to pieces (vs. 11). He kind of has a petulant metropolitan fit exclaiming
Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage (vs. 12).So that's the back story to this line that caught my attention for a week
Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’! (vs. 13)”As I look over what I thought about my life from ages 10-20, I was oriented toward "great things". I pursued excellence and recognition. When I thought about what I wanted to do in life, I wanted to do things with awesome humanitarian merit. So being a missionary in a far off country was good. But solving for world peace was also ok.
But as any of the dozen people who read this blog know, that's not what I'm doing now at all. I'm a suburban mom who drives a minivan on nicely paved streets, in a friendly neighborhood, with good schools and convenient shopping. Like Naaman, this has felt like a downshift, a turn in the wrong direction. But instead I have been learning to live in a completely different dimension than I thought possible.
It used to be a black and white distinction between awesome or awful, advancing or retreating. We live in a culture of "dream big". I'm learning to dream deeper. When a girl has a baby and can't buy diapers, the need is obvious. But on my street, the needs are rarely that obvious but just as compelling.
We're into our third year at this address, and the sidewalk interactions are building a foundation of friendship that's allowing us unusual access into our neighbors lives. Our dreams are not about our neighborhood but our neighbors, the ones on our street. And I'm not thinking about how to solve world peace or start a movement, but how to bring living water to the dry places in the lives of my "common, suburban" friends.
I would be willing to move my family to the ends of the earth or some other "great thing" if God had asked that of us. But our ordinary, not glamorous, street is turning to be ok too, more than ok.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Picture books for young readers, a think out loud
Working for Zoobean and having two kids under 4, I have a lot of time to encounter and think about picture books for children.
Here are a couple points that I've been trying to sort through:
Here are a couple points that I've been trying to sort through:
- The reality on the ground in our home is that we have a 4 year old reading material for kids several years older.
- Reports from other parents and the New York Times suggest that "real chapter books" are the goal, picture books are for babies and non-readers.
- We've heard rumors that publishers are responding to a market for young readers and are supporting books that are age appropriate in content but complex enough for children reading above grade level.
The "early reader" books aimed at children in school learning to read are really hit and miss in content for our daughter. This is true even within the subset of "early reader" books that don't just patently suck in content and illustration, particularly the movie spin offs. So within the subset that are generally good, the animal stories are better than that school oriented stories. Given that most kids learn to read after they go to school, I understand why there are school oriented stories, but in our situation, because she's reading before school there are references she totally doesn't understand, sometimes to the point where most of the story is inaccessible.
Another young reader who's 6 months older than our daughter has been headed toward Stuart Little, Charlotte's Web, that kind of stuff. I think whenever we get there, we'll have a better chance to see if there really are new books that are written for young, advanced readers. Thus far, those rumors are just rumors. At this point, just because our child might be able to read Harry Potter books, I don't think we're going to rush there. Just the other night, we had a tearful discussion about death, heaven, and such. At her age, she's just very literal and concrete.
With that literalness and concreteness, my current strategy is to send her back into the regular population of picture books. This ends up addressing several issues. First, sometimes, she's just so enthralled with sounding out words, I'm not sure she's working through what's happening in the story. The pictures provide an anchor point for the content.
Second, she recently announced that she only wants to read "Level 1" readers because they are for Pre-K and she's in Pre-K. The levels vary widely by publisher, but she's comfortably reading most Level 2 books and Level 3 books are simply taxing on her stamina, not her ability to read. So getting out of the "Level #" books will remove this issue. Also within picture books, there is a wide variation in the complexity of content and vocabulary, so there are certainly books that will work for her reading abilities and emotional development.
Third, some of the regular picture books are beautifully illustrated where this is rarely true for early reader books. Our daughter is very sensitive to beauty and I want to foster that particularly for her. But I think that even if she weren't, there's a missed opportunity for keeping our kids engaged in multiple dimensions of beauty if we rush her to picture-less books. She'll be there soon enough and for decades to come.
Anyways, that's our current approach. With such limited data and experience, I don't want to prescribe this for every family, but I'd love to see more families graduate their new readers of any age from the controlled "early reader" books BACK to regular picture books rather than making a beeline for picture-less chapter books.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Morally deficient
Sometime last week, someone on the internet wrote in passing that depression was on the list of ailments that was associated with the morally deficient. Normal people get headaches, the morally deficient get depressed. Ain't that a peach?
Having experienced the pits of depression these past two winters, my doctor and I decided to treat the issue as if it were seasonal affective disorder, and two weeks ago I started taking a low dose of Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant (and smoking cessation aid, I learned). The point of this is to blunt or avoid completely another winter nosedive. Depression entails a lot of collateral damage.
But let's talk about my morally deficient self. First of all, I don't know that I feel morally deficient. But I admit that since reading that little throw away line, I haven't been tempted to wear a t-shirt proclaiming the ever present specter of depression in my life.
Then again, my daughter's recent memory verse is Romans 3:23: "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That's a universal accusation of moral deficiency if there ever was one. And in a recent famous interview of the new Pope when asked "Who is Jorge Mario Bergoglio?" answers, "I am a sinner." At the end of his elaboration on the point, he concludes,
It is very uncomfortable to stop there as an American protestant. After Jesus loves me, I'm supposed to clean up my behavior, no? But what if I focused on the present risenness of Jesus in my life? On that infinite mercy and patience? And if my behavior cleans up, it does. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. But what I have done is to train myself to laser in on Jesus and whatever he does or does not do in my life.
Having experienced the pits of depression these past two winters, my doctor and I decided to treat the issue as if it were seasonal affective disorder, and two weeks ago I started taking a low dose of Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant (and smoking cessation aid, I learned). The point of this is to blunt or avoid completely another winter nosedive. Depression entails a lot of collateral damage.
But let's talk about my morally deficient self. First of all, I don't know that I feel morally deficient. But I admit that since reading that little throw away line, I haven't been tempted to wear a t-shirt proclaiming the ever present specter of depression in my life.
Then again, my daughter's recent memory verse is Romans 3:23: "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That's a universal accusation of moral deficiency if there ever was one. And in a recent famous interview of the new Pope when asked "Who is Jorge Mario Bergoglio?" answers, "I am a sinner." At the end of his elaboration on the point, he concludes,
"I am a sinner, but I trust in the infinite mercy and patience of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I accept in a spirit of penance."I find this summary very powerful. It allows me to accept my moral deficiency whether through depression or the lack of patience with my family or judgmental stance toward others. I don't need to pretend that my mess doesn't stink. It stinks. AND Jesus is mericful; I'm not thrown out because of my mess. AND Jesus is patient; he's not tapping his toe, looking at his watch as I fumble around trying to clean up. Instead, he is with me, the morally deficient, with me in love.
It is very uncomfortable to stop there as an American protestant. After Jesus loves me, I'm supposed to clean up my behavior, no? But what if I focused on the present risenness of Jesus in my life? On that infinite mercy and patience? And if my behavior cleans up, it does. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. But what I have done is to train myself to laser in on Jesus and whatever he does or does not do in my life.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Early Reader Books, Part 1
As a Zoobean curator and mom, I'm always on the prowl for a good kids book. For me, I'm looking for good art and an interesting re-readable story. And then our oldest started learning to read.
Early reader books were nothing like the "good" kids books I had been looking for. This is a very different, transitional stage for the child who benefits from a restricted set of vocabulary. The art tends to be ok to bad and the stories are seldom worth reading more than once. That said, here are resources that were helpful to us in the early stages. It's not exhaustive, it's what we liked most from what was available to us via the library and recommendations from other moms. If you've come across some resources that have been helpful, please leave a comment!
1) Bob books
We got these used from another family, and it kicked things off for our oldest. I see them often at Costco. The vocabularly is well controlled in each book providing focus and practice on particular sounds.
2) Starfall.com
Another resource we learned about from others. Our oldest really liked the site and picked up the lessons quickly. It's got a 90s website vibe to it, but most of the site is free. So free and engaging, can't really beat that.
3) Mo Willems
Of Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus fame, Mo Willems's early readers from Cat the Cat to Gerald and Piggie have a remarkable ability to convey a lot with a very small, repetitive vocabulary. Gerald and Piggie, in particular, get caught up in antics that are quite entertaining and have a relationship reminiscent of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.
4) Dr. Suess
It's easy to forget that these well-loved classics are also early reader books. They also do a lot with a small, repetitive vocabulary while adding elements of rhythm and rhyme which provides a lot of practice for the early reader but they are usually much longer than Mo Willems' books. Requires some stamina to make it all the way through.
5) Jon Scieszka's Trucktown
Zany characters with fun illustrations, these tend to be very early reader books and have been fun for both our reader and younger not-yet-a-reader. Granted, our not-yet-a-reader is a bit truck obsessed.
6) Olivia (Ready-to-Read Series)
It turns out that Olivia is a Nickelodeon character in a television show of the same name. I didn't know this when we came across her. These early readers have nice illustrations and more interesting stories than most.
Early reader books were nothing like the "good" kids books I had been looking for. This is a very different, transitional stage for the child who benefits from a restricted set of vocabulary. The art tends to be ok to bad and the stories are seldom worth reading more than once. That said, here are resources that were helpful to us in the early stages. It's not exhaustive, it's what we liked most from what was available to us via the library and recommendations from other moms. If you've come across some resources that have been helpful, please leave a comment!
1) Bob books
We got these used from another family, and it kicked things off for our oldest. I see them often at Costco. The vocabularly is well controlled in each book providing focus and practice on particular sounds.
2) Starfall.com
3) Mo Willems
Of Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus fame, Mo Willems's early readers from Cat the Cat to Gerald and Piggie have a remarkable ability to convey a lot with a very small, repetitive vocabulary. Gerald and Piggie, in particular, get caught up in antics that are quite entertaining and have a relationship reminiscent of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.
4) Dr. Suess
It's easy to forget that these well-loved classics are also early reader books. They also do a lot with a small, repetitive vocabulary while adding elements of rhythm and rhyme which provides a lot of practice for the early reader but they are usually much longer than Mo Willems' books. Requires some stamina to make it all the way through.
5) Jon Scieszka's Trucktown
Zany characters with fun illustrations, these tend to be very early reader books and have been fun for both our reader and younger not-yet-a-reader. Granted, our not-yet-a-reader is a bit truck obsessed.
6) Olivia (Ready-to-Read Series)
It turns out that Olivia is a Nickelodeon character in a television show of the same name. I didn't know this when we came across her. These early readers have nice illustrations and more interesting stories than most.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
In the details that matter
I got to see a college friend's mom today. I first met her something like 15 years ago. She asked how my family was doing. What do you say to that? It's been crazy, intense, and filled with gems of goodness.
There's my dad's cancer thing. Currently, looking less and less like cancer. But along the way, tremendous support from his church and medical professionals at many institutions.
And by the way, my mom was the first one we contacted about helping us after my surgery. THANK GOD she turned us down because of their previously planned trip for a 2 month stay in Malaysia. The week before the Malaysia trip is when all this crazy cancer stuff hit the roof. The two of them have been such a team wading through a 100+ medical articles to figure out what questions to be asking regarding my dad's test results.
There's my shoulder surgery. Unexpectedly, my mother in law came instead of my father in law and stayed 2 full weeks instead of a week after my surgery. A huge help in many ways especially since it took me most of 2 weeks to get back on my feet. Church folk, neighbors and even a lady from the gym have been delivering meals. Some single ladies from our church small group have been coming in the evenings before N gets home from work to help me feed the kids and bathe them. Also huge.
And Sunday, my nephew unexpectedly arrived in the world 8 weeks early yet healthy. My brother's family life has been turned upside down but in the details that matter, they are doing great. Baby CJ is breathing on his own, doing well and my sister in law is also fine. Again, wonderful help from their church friends providing meals and helping with my 2 year old neice.
Jesus talks about coming to earth so that we could have life abundantly. When I'm running late while sweating in the summer-that-won't-end while trying to buckle my kids in their carseats with just one working arm, I'm not feeling the abundance of life. I want the thermostat to turn down, I want my kids to cooperate so I can get the car going and the AC running.
But when I think about life, how my family is alive and healthy, I am so grateful. I count these moments of alive-ness where my kids pick up every stick and twig and feather, where my niece meets her brother in his isolette, where my dad waves to us over skype, and I collect them in overflowing abundance because in the details that matter, we have been graced with abundant life.
There's my dad's cancer thing. Currently, looking less and less like cancer. But along the way, tremendous support from his church and medical professionals at many institutions.
And by the way, my mom was the first one we contacted about helping us after my surgery. THANK GOD she turned us down because of their previously planned trip for a 2 month stay in Malaysia. The week before the Malaysia trip is when all this crazy cancer stuff hit the roof. The two of them have been such a team wading through a 100+ medical articles to figure out what questions to be asking regarding my dad's test results.
There's my shoulder surgery. Unexpectedly, my mother in law came instead of my father in law and stayed 2 full weeks instead of a week after my surgery. A huge help in many ways especially since it took me most of 2 weeks to get back on my feet. Church folk, neighbors and even a lady from the gym have been delivering meals. Some single ladies from our church small group have been coming in the evenings before N gets home from work to help me feed the kids and bathe them. Also huge.
And Sunday, my nephew unexpectedly arrived in the world 8 weeks early yet healthy. My brother's family life has been turned upside down but in the details that matter, they are doing great. Baby CJ is breathing on his own, doing well and my sister in law is also fine. Again, wonderful help from their church friends providing meals and helping with my 2 year old neice.
Jesus talks about coming to earth so that we could have life abundantly. When I'm running late while sweating in the summer-that-won't-end while trying to buckle my kids in their carseats with just one working arm, I'm not feeling the abundance of life. I want the thermostat to turn down, I want my kids to cooperate so I can get the car going and the AC running.
But when I think about life, how my family is alive and healthy, I am so grateful. I count these moments of alive-ness where my kids pick up every stick and twig and feather, where my niece meets her brother in his isolette, where my dad waves to us over skype, and I collect them in overflowing abundance because in the details that matter, we have been graced with abundant life.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Random thoughts post surgery
It is hard to wash one hand; easy to rinse, hard to lather.
One armed ponytails, hard; headbands-type things, easy.
Bras can be optional, but I feel more me wearing them.
It may feel awkward to be assertive with medical people, but worth it.
There are people who actually have only one arm who live full, independent lives. This inspires me to be creative. Like using scissors to "chop" food.
Know when to hold them and when to fold them. Sometimes it's good to stop the creativity and ask for help. Hanging creased trousers is tricky one armed and not blazingly urgent.
How other people solve their problems might not be anything like how you solve yours. I read recommendations to get a bath poof on a stick. I find my trusty bar of soap works just fine. The only thing I can't soap is my good arm itself and that's true w or w/o the poof on a stick.
Grace makes all the difference. Knowing Jesus delights in me whether I am in a good mood or foul, whether I am productive or not allows me to be kind to myself and to receive the kindness of others.
Asking for help is an important skill, and it can be hard. Receiving help well can be lifegiving for both sides of the "transaction".
One armed ponytails, hard; headbands-type things, easy.
Bras can be optional, but I feel more me wearing them.
It may feel awkward to be assertive with medical people, but worth it.
There are people who actually have only one arm who live full, independent lives. This inspires me to be creative. Like using scissors to "chop" food.
Know when to hold them and when to fold them. Sometimes it's good to stop the creativity and ask for help. Hanging creased trousers is tricky one armed and not blazingly urgent.
How other people solve their problems might not be anything like how you solve yours. I read recommendations to get a bath poof on a stick. I find my trusty bar of soap works just fine. The only thing I can't soap is my good arm itself and that's true w or w/o the poof on a stick.
Grace makes all the difference. Knowing Jesus delights in me whether I am in a good mood or foul, whether I am productive or not allows me to be kind to myself and to receive the kindness of others.
Asking for help is an important skill, and it can be hard. Receiving help well can be lifegiving for both sides of the "transaction".
Friday, August 23, 2013
Snapshot
One of those wish-I-had-a-camera moments:
My sweet daughter stretched out like banana across the recliner eschewing breakfast to read a book.
There are many things I don't "get" about her, but I get this and I love it for her.
My sweet daughter stretched out like banana across the recliner eschewing breakfast to read a book.
There are many things I don't "get" about her, but I get this and I love it for her.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Pulling it together
Well, I have to say that I am very thankful for my husband and friends who have been a great help and encouragement as I figure stuff out.
Logistics were wrapped up by the end of Wednesday. Instead of my father-in-law coming to help after my surgery my mother-in-law will be coming.
So the "Who is going to take care of the kids while I'm in surgery?" question fizzled out quickly, but it's a different thing getting ready for a father-in-law than a mother-in-law. So it took me another day or two to get myself ready for that notion.
As far as my dad being sick, that is its own very weird situation. For all intents and purposes, my dad feels like a really healthy guy, no different from last week. But preliminary tests say he's got a rare cancer. At this point, if he feels sick it's going to be because of the chemo. There's one more round of tests this week and then my parents get to survey their options and choose their next steps.
A sustaining idea in this time has been what Brennan Manning calls the "present risenness" of Jesus. Present meaning both now and near and risenness meaning having defeated death and fully alive. So while I was feeling crushed by stress, I had this beckoning sense that Jesus was near and trying to push through the anxiety. I could see light creeping around the edges of the folds of darkness. This idea that the loving creator of the universe stands near me with such power that death was broken has been a lifeline of hope when the worst of myself cries out to be believed.
Logistics were wrapped up by the end of Wednesday. Instead of my father-in-law coming to help after my surgery my mother-in-law will be coming.
So the "Who is going to take care of the kids while I'm in surgery?" question fizzled out quickly, but it's a different thing getting ready for a father-in-law than a mother-in-law. So it took me another day or two to get myself ready for that notion.
As far as my dad being sick, that is its own very weird situation. For all intents and purposes, my dad feels like a really healthy guy, no different from last week. But preliminary tests say he's got a rare cancer. At this point, if he feels sick it's going to be because of the chemo. There's one more round of tests this week and then my parents get to survey their options and choose their next steps.
A sustaining idea in this time has been what Brennan Manning calls the "present risenness" of Jesus. Present meaning both now and near and risenness meaning having defeated death and fully alive. So while I was feeling crushed by stress, I had this beckoning sense that Jesus was near and trying to push through the anxiety. I could see light creeping around the edges of the folds of darkness. This idea that the loving creator of the universe stands near me with such power that death was broken has been a lifeline of hope when the worst of myself cries out to be believed.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Things fall apart
Wednesday, I think it was, was a very hard day.
Got an email from my mom that my dad might be sick with a scary disease. More testing needed. Ok. I don't know if I even prayed about it.
We went about our morning. Took the kids to the park really early because it's been a triple digit week. Coming home, I was relaxing into the feeling that we were on course for my shoulder surgery next Thursday. I had had a lot of anxiety about whether my family would be ok without me and I was easing into the notion that Jesus was going to take care of us. I was ticking off a list of a few things I needed to arrange before my father-in-law arrived to help us with childcare immediately after the surgery. But I was really looking forward to his coming.
My kids and I did fun stuff together, and I fed us an early lunch.
At a few minutes past noon, my father-in-law called which was surprising in and of itself. But more surprising was that HE needed surgery and wouldn't be able to come next week. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
In a semi-panic, I starting thinking about who could come instead, what we could do instead. In the course of that thought I'd ask a couple of my aunts who are "retired" whether they could come. The first aunt I called is on my dad's side, so I mentioned he might be sick, but what I really wanted was for her to come help me out. She's a doc and whatever I said to her about what might be happening with my dad didn't make sense. So I just forwarded the email I got about it.
She called back. I hadn't understood the email. The more testing wasn't about whether my dad was sick with a scary disease, it was to pinpoint the extent of the disease. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
The rest of the day was a mess. A giant pile of stinking mess.
Got an email from my mom that my dad might be sick with a scary disease. More testing needed. Ok. I don't know if I even prayed about it.
We went about our morning. Took the kids to the park really early because it's been a triple digit week. Coming home, I was relaxing into the feeling that we were on course for my shoulder surgery next Thursday. I had had a lot of anxiety about whether my family would be ok without me and I was easing into the notion that Jesus was going to take care of us. I was ticking off a list of a few things I needed to arrange before my father-in-law arrived to help us with childcare immediately after the surgery. But I was really looking forward to his coming.
My kids and I did fun stuff together, and I fed us an early lunch.
At a few minutes past noon, my father-in-law called which was surprising in and of itself. But more surprising was that HE needed surgery and wouldn't be able to come next week. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
In a semi-panic, I starting thinking about who could come instead, what we could do instead. In the course of that thought I'd ask a couple of my aunts who are "retired" whether they could come. The first aunt I called is on my dad's side, so I mentioned he might be sick, but what I really wanted was for her to come help me out. She's a doc and whatever I said to her about what might be happening with my dad didn't make sense. So I just forwarded the email I got about it.
She called back. I hadn't understood the email. The more testing wasn't about whether my dad was sick with a scary disease, it was to pinpoint the extent of the disease. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
The rest of the day was a mess. A giant pile of stinking mess.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Pre-surgery planning: Family checklist
I scoured the internet (for 2 min) for a check list of what I need to have figured out before surgery to ensure my family keeps on trucking. Couldn't find anything. So here is my list of things to figure out before surgery given that as a "homemaker" I usually do a lot of our day-to-day home stuff.
Parameters:
Shoulder surgery
Week 1 in bed convalescing
Weeks 2-4 up and around with one usable arm
Months 2-3 w weakened arm
2 kids under 4, one in diapers
1 husband
No local parents/siblings
Good social support through church and friends
Medical:
--surgeon's contact info
--surgery location & map directions
--pharmacy location/ph
--physical therapy location & map direction
Everyone needs to sleep, pee, eat, & bathe
Sleep:
--Where am I sleeping ?
--What do I need to sleep: pillows, blankets, etc
--How could the sleep of everyone else be impacted?
Pee:
--Any special considerations for me? (Not this time, but yes post hip surgery)
--Any considerations for the rest of the family? (Kid in diapers will have to be taken care of by someone else)
Eat:
--How are groceries going to be acquired?
--How are meals going to be made/acquired?
Fortunately for us, N does some of our groceries already, and we have friends who have offered to drop of meals.
Bathe:
--How will the surgery site be kept dry?
--Who is going to bathe the kids?
Childcare:
--Who is going to watch the kids during the first week?
--Who is going to watch the kids weeks 2-4?
Housekeeping--who will:
--Mop/vacuum
--Clean bathrooms
--wash & fold clothes
(for week 1, wks 2-4, and months 2 & 3)
Parameters:
Shoulder surgery
Week 1 in bed convalescing
Weeks 2-4 up and around with one usable arm
Months 2-3 w weakened arm
2 kids under 4, one in diapers
1 husband
No local parents/siblings
Good social support through church and friends
Medical:
--surgeon's contact info
--surgery location & map directions
--pharmacy location/ph
--physical therapy location & map direction
Everyone needs to sleep, pee, eat, & bathe
Sleep:
--Where am I sleeping ?
--What do I need to sleep: pillows, blankets, etc
--How could the sleep of everyone else be impacted?
Pee:
--Any special considerations for me? (Not this time, but yes post hip surgery)
--Any considerations for the rest of the family? (Kid in diapers will have to be taken care of by someone else)
Eat:
--How are groceries going to be acquired?
--How are meals going to be made/acquired?
Fortunately for us, N does some of our groceries already, and we have friends who have offered to drop of meals.
Bathe:
--How will the surgery site be kept dry?
--Who is going to bathe the kids?
Childcare:
--Who is going to watch the kids during the first week?
--Who is going to watch the kids weeks 2-4?
Housekeeping--who will:
--Mop/vacuum
--Clean bathrooms
--wash & fold clothes
(for week 1, wks 2-4, and months 2 & 3)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Planning, plans, change
So our summer 2013 is at about mid-point and warrants some review.
Going into the summer, here were my thoughts:
1) Let's go visit family in Seattle
2) Encourage my daughter's interest in drawing
3) Play outside in the mornings before it gets hot
In other words, we were looking at a very open ended, unscheduled sort of summer. We've been able to do the list: We had a great trip to Seattle. My daughter has been drawing and crafting her heart out. And the kids get time outside at a park about 4 times a week.
What we weren't planning on doing was buying a house across the street for my parents to retire into. Since they won't be retiring for a few years, we needed to rent the house in the interim period. That unexpected project has taken up a fair amount of summer energy. We got the renters settled in July 4th weekend and have been recovering since then.
Although somehow recovering has included hosting a neighborhood barbecue. That was fun, but not exactly restful. But it was supposed to inaugurate a peaceful, boring denouement to the summer ending with Labor Day weekend and the kids returning to preschool a couple mornings a week.
Well, at a routine visit to my family doctor last Friday, we were talking about my insomnia and how my injured shoulder would flair up making falling back asleep difficult, and one thing led to another, I saw my orthopedist and I have surgery scheduled in 3 weeks to fix it up.
That compresses the summer.
Since 2009, it seems to be a family pattern for us to putter around in our day-to-day routine and then turn on a dime and race off in an unexpected direction at full speed. I'm not sure what I think about that. I mean, I'm thrilled that we aren't usually frantic people who then shift into turbo-crazy. I think maybe part of us wishes we had longer stretches of puttering. But we have actually been really good at shifting gears and directions and doing that together. I think these changes push us out of our comfort zone into God-seeking mode and that's not bad either.
At some point I should look into the fall, but at this point, I'm just trying to figure out what needs to be done for the family the first month after surgery.
Going into the summer, here were my thoughts:
1) Let's go visit family in Seattle
2) Encourage my daughter's interest in drawing
3) Play outside in the mornings before it gets hot
In other words, we were looking at a very open ended, unscheduled sort of summer. We've been able to do the list: We had a great trip to Seattle. My daughter has been drawing and crafting her heart out. And the kids get time outside at a park about 4 times a week.
What we weren't planning on doing was buying a house across the street for my parents to retire into. Since they won't be retiring for a few years, we needed to rent the house in the interim period. That unexpected project has taken up a fair amount of summer energy. We got the renters settled in July 4th weekend and have been recovering since then.
Although somehow recovering has included hosting a neighborhood barbecue. That was fun, but not exactly restful. But it was supposed to inaugurate a peaceful, boring denouement to the summer ending with Labor Day weekend and the kids returning to preschool a couple mornings a week.
Well, at a routine visit to my family doctor last Friday, we were talking about my insomnia and how my injured shoulder would flair up making falling back asleep difficult, and one thing led to another, I saw my orthopedist and I have surgery scheduled in 3 weeks to fix it up.
That compresses the summer.
Since 2009, it seems to be a family pattern for us to putter around in our day-to-day routine and then turn on a dime and race off in an unexpected direction at full speed. I'm not sure what I think about that. I mean, I'm thrilled that we aren't usually frantic people who then shift into turbo-crazy. I think maybe part of us wishes we had longer stretches of puttering. But we have actually been really good at shifting gears and directions and doing that together. I think these changes push us out of our comfort zone into God-seeking mode and that's not bad either.
At some point I should look into the fall, but at this point, I'm just trying to figure out what needs to be done for the family the first month after surgery.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Vacation 2013
Well, we just wrapped up a week-long vacation visiting grandparents and assorted other relatives in the Pacific Northwest. It's the best trip we've had since having kids.
The best part for the adults was probably the sleep. We got 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights. That's a huge win.
For the kids, who are 2 and 4 now, we slept through the night because they slept through the night. Big change from our last trip when the little one was 7 months old. We used VRBO.com to find a mother-in-law apt which was furnished with a kids table and chairs. The kids loved that and having independent eaters was another nice feature of this trip. L's favorite thing to eat on the trip was probably the "doughboy" which was an 8 inch long donut in the shape of a gingerbread man. She finished it off on one sitting along with some lemon chiffon cheese cake.
I think we ate a month's worth of sugar and sweets in a week which was part of what made our vacation a vacation. Grandparents really enjoy ice cream, so the kids got a lot of that. Their house also has a fire pit, so s'mores were a great excuse for getting that going frequently. D practiced breaking up sticks just like Grandpa. It was really cute to watch.
We saw 3 sets of aunts & uncles from both sides of the family, a rare treat.
One fun thing about the trip is that the mother-in-law apt was in a basement which was pretty dark. We were really concerned about that long summer days up north, but staying in a darker basement meant not only did the kids go down to bed well, but that we could keep the whole family on Central time. We never time adjusted. With little kids, we hadn't scheduled evening activities anyways. They went to bed about 5-6 local time (7-8 home time) and we went to sleep about 7-8 local (9-10pm home time). Sure the kids got up early for local time, but there was a wonderful park nearby so we walked them over there and let them run out some wiggles if we didn't have anywhere to be.
Plane rides were meh. The kids were probably as good as it gets, but crazy tired kids with tired parents is a difficult combination any way you look at it. Schlepping 2 car seats on and off the plane is always it's own clown car show too. Maybe on our next trip, our oldest might weigh enough to just use a small booster seat. We'll see. That'd be cool.
Our last previous vacation was late 2011, more than 18 months ago. It was grueling with D only sleeping every other night. So it was really nice to have a different, better vacation this time.
The best part for the adults was probably the sleep. We got 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights. That's a huge win.
For the kids, who are 2 and 4 now, we slept through the night because they slept through the night. Big change from our last trip when the little one was 7 months old. We used VRBO.com to find a mother-in-law apt which was furnished with a kids table and chairs. The kids loved that and having independent eaters was another nice feature of this trip. L's favorite thing to eat on the trip was probably the "doughboy" which was an 8 inch long donut in the shape of a gingerbread man. She finished it off on one sitting along with some lemon chiffon cheese cake.
I think we ate a month's worth of sugar and sweets in a week which was part of what made our vacation a vacation. Grandparents really enjoy ice cream, so the kids got a lot of that. Their house also has a fire pit, so s'mores were a great excuse for getting that going frequently. D practiced breaking up sticks just like Grandpa. It was really cute to watch.
We saw 3 sets of aunts & uncles from both sides of the family, a rare treat.
One fun thing about the trip is that the mother-in-law apt was in a basement which was pretty dark. We were really concerned about that long summer days up north, but staying in a darker basement meant not only did the kids go down to bed well, but that we could keep the whole family on Central time. We never time adjusted. With little kids, we hadn't scheduled evening activities anyways. They went to bed about 5-6 local time (7-8 home time) and we went to sleep about 7-8 local (9-10pm home time). Sure the kids got up early for local time, but there was a wonderful park nearby so we walked them over there and let them run out some wiggles if we didn't have anywhere to be.
Plane rides were meh. The kids were probably as good as it gets, but crazy tired kids with tired parents is a difficult combination any way you look at it. Schlepping 2 car seats on and off the plane is always it's own clown car show too. Maybe on our next trip, our oldest might weigh enough to just use a small booster seat. We'll see. That'd be cool.
Our last previous vacation was late 2011, more than 18 months ago. It was grueling with D only sleeping every other night. So it was really nice to have a different, better vacation this time.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Fatherly wisdom
Back when I lived under my dad's roof, he would have occasion to notify me of life's seasons, particularly that families with young children had to make different choices than at other time of life. Of course, in my infinite, teenage wisdom, all of life was exactly as I was experiencing it and all decisions I made were good ones.
Now that I have my own family and it's got young children in it, boy, was he right. Seasons. They're such an apt metaphor for life. Here in my part of the world we have two seasons: April to September is ReallyHot. October to March is QuiteNice. ReallyHot is taking off and QuiteNice seems like a distant memory and a faint dream. But truth be told, QuiteNice will come again.
Yesterday morning, I melodramatically flopped myself on our bed and announced that I was done with this life season of DemandingDependence. I had been awakened by a mewing child several hours earlier and asked to help wipe a nose. That in turn awakened the light-sleeping sibling. [Gnashes teeth, tears hair.] I could not see out of our season. And honestly, I am probably more often convinced that DemandingDependence is a permanent state than a passing season.
But just the notion of seasons is hopeful and that's despite the fact that we have really long ones here. One recent summer we had 100 days over 100 (or something very close) and somewhere after day 79 it just felt like we would always be house bound and it was always going to be ridiculously hot. But the weather did break, and I did run for a sweatshirt around 80 degrees.
I don't know what it is with my tendency to think thing will "always be this way". I slip in that direction readily. But the metaphor of seasons reminds me that no matter how long and how grueling (or great) a season is, life rolls on and it rolls into a different season.
Now that I have my own family and it's got young children in it, boy, was he right. Seasons. They're such an apt metaphor for life. Here in my part of the world we have two seasons: April to September is ReallyHot. October to March is QuiteNice. ReallyHot is taking off and QuiteNice seems like a distant memory and a faint dream. But truth be told, QuiteNice will come again.
Yesterday morning, I melodramatically flopped myself on our bed and announced that I was done with this life season of DemandingDependence. I had been awakened by a mewing child several hours earlier and asked to help wipe a nose. That in turn awakened the light-sleeping sibling. [Gnashes teeth, tears hair.] I could not see out of our season. And honestly, I am probably more often convinced that DemandingDependence is a permanent state than a passing season.
But just the notion of seasons is hopeful and that's despite the fact that we have really long ones here. One recent summer we had 100 days over 100 (or something very close) and somewhere after day 79 it just felt like we would always be house bound and it was always going to be ridiculously hot. But the weather did break, and I did run for a sweatshirt around 80 degrees.
I don't know what it is with my tendency to think thing will "always be this way". I slip in that direction readily. But the metaphor of seasons reminds me that no matter how long and how grueling (or great) a season is, life rolls on and it rolls into a different season.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Broken but not hopeless
In reviewing a lot of children's books over the past year, I've been saddened by the messiness, grossness, the evil that my children need to be exposed to.
Today, I was coloring with my daughter and introduced her to coloring skin. We used a peachy pencil, and a dusty tan pencil, and a brown pencil and we talked about how people had different color skin. And we compared our arm colors, and we talked about other children she knew who were darker than she was. And it was just a fact. To her, it's like daddy has blue eyes and she has brown eyes.
But we've read a number of books that share about the American history with skin color and how it wasn't so factual. One thing I've been impressed about a number of these books is how exuberant they can be in the face of evil. I'm thinking about books like Hallelujah Flight which tells about an early trans-continental flight by 2 African-American men or Willie and the All-Stars about a boy growing up during WWII who wants to play professional baseball only to be told he won't ever because he's the wrong color.
We've read a couple books about children with limited access to books and the librarians who trek miles to help them. That Book Woman tells the story from the 1930s of an illiterate boy in Appalachia who learns to read over the course of the visits from "that book woman". The book made me cry. Waiting for the Biblioburro also talks about an itinerant librarian but is set in contemporary Colombia. The burros are charmingly named Alpha and Beto. Our house is filled with books, and our children are unlikely to experience the privation these books refer to. Yet they need to know. They need to know that it's not so easy in most of the world and hasn't been for most of history.
But I also want them to know that their circumstances do not define them. That's something I so value in the children's book genre; they are by and large hopeful. Though these none of these books are grounded in a theology of hope, I think the hope is there because in Jesus there is the truth of hope. In the Easter story, where Jesus dies and defeats death, the darkest hopelessness, hope gets teeth. It's not just wishful thinking. Evil doesn't win the war even if it wins a few battles.
Our nighttime routine with our daughter is to read a devotional with her, pray some set prayers, and then we ask her, "What can we thank Jesus for today?" Lately, she's wised up and tells us "Everything!" so that we can get it over with and get on to reading a library book. While we do help her unpack what her everything is, I hope she can also see the truth of it, that we can be thankful for everything and in being thankful we are hanging on to hope regardless of the circumstances.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Grace of Ducks Askew
A few weeks ago, Brennan Manning passed away. He's the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel and a number of other books that have been influential in my life. One of his last books was entitled All is Grace which I haven't read. But last week, I mulled over that title. All is grace. Is that true? Do I believe that?
As a couple, my husband and I are "ducks in a row" kind of people; we like to have and work toward having our ducks in a row, getting things that should be done done. While our ducks were never actually all in a row, since we've had kids we've gotten more ducks and more of them aren't in a row. And that bothers us, and we complain about that.
So what I pondered was, "Can my disorderly ducks be a gift from God?" And the answer is of course, yes.
Some people are actively aware that the order in their ducks is because of God's active grace in their lives. Like our friends who are in a pinch but have been able to pay down some medical bills because of, to make a long story short, God miracles. Ducks brought back into a row because of God. Awesome. That, however, is not us.
We would prefer to tell ourselves that we have aligned our ducks and that if we tried hard enough we could get them perfectly aligned and when we did that, God would have to smile on us. This is our tendency although when we talk in terms of ducks it's easier to see what a lie that is.
So this past Friday, we went in for a second cystic fibrosis test for D. The first one didn't collect enough sweat to test. So we've been in limbo these past 2 months wondering if CF is the reason for his lack of weight gain. We're hoping this new test gives us a clear answer one way or the other. Turns out. for other reasons, that whether this test is positive or negative we have to see a specialist for another thing. And the Friday test only produced marginally more sweat so we might get a no-test again.
D's health and development is a break-dancing, purple-plaid duck that is not playing nice with any of our other ducks. And this uncertainty is in fact a grace in our lives. As much as I think it is a deep grace that we are ducks in a row people who know our neighbors, pay our bills and have 529s for our kids, D's break-dancing, purple-plaid duck reminds us that God is not grading us on our ducks.
Instead, each duck is a gift, one we get to care for, one we are empowered by God to care for. Whether they are orderly or dancing out of our control, God already smiles on us and already knows what we're going to need.
As a couple, my husband and I are "ducks in a row" kind of people; we like to have and work toward having our ducks in a row, getting things that should be done done. While our ducks were never actually all in a row, since we've had kids we've gotten more ducks and more of them aren't in a row. And that bothers us, and we complain about that.
So what I pondered was, "Can my disorderly ducks be a gift from God?" And the answer is of course, yes.
Some people are actively aware that the order in their ducks is because of God's active grace in their lives. Like our friends who are in a pinch but have been able to pay down some medical bills because of, to make a long story short, God miracles. Ducks brought back into a row because of God. Awesome. That, however, is not us.
We would prefer to tell ourselves that we have aligned our ducks and that if we tried hard enough we could get them perfectly aligned and when we did that, God would have to smile on us. This is our tendency although when we talk in terms of ducks it's easier to see what a lie that is.
So this past Friday, we went in for a second cystic fibrosis test for D. The first one didn't collect enough sweat to test. So we've been in limbo these past 2 months wondering if CF is the reason for his lack of weight gain. We're hoping this new test gives us a clear answer one way or the other. Turns out. for other reasons, that whether this test is positive or negative we have to see a specialist for another thing. And the Friday test only produced marginally more sweat so we might get a no-test again.
D's health and development is a break-dancing, purple-plaid duck that is not playing nice with any of our other ducks. And this uncertainty is in fact a grace in our lives. As much as I think it is a deep grace that we are ducks in a row people who know our neighbors, pay our bills and have 529s for our kids, D's break-dancing, purple-plaid duck reminds us that God is not grading us on our ducks.
Instead, each duck is a gift, one we get to care for, one we are empowered by God to care for. Whether they are orderly or dancing out of our control, God already smiles on us and already knows what we're going to need.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
In my spare time...
The last six months or so, I've been curating children's books for Zoobean.com which will be open to the public in mid-May. Here's a blog post I wrote for them on some of our favorite illustrators:
Sometime during the seven years I trained as a linguist I went from a world-traipsing museum-goer to a life of words, words, and more words. Oh, and the occasional gesture and eye-gaze.
In my new life with little ones, I've been reintroduced to visual art and have encountered some wonderful artists disguised as children's book illustrators.
Here are a few artists that have stood out over the past 600-odd books we've looked through.
1) Zachary Pullen
We first encountered Pullen in The Toughest Cowboy: or How the Wild West Was Tamed
Pullen paints wonderfully detailed caricatures from frequently odd, close-up angles that invites the reader. young and old, to enter into the world of the book.
2) Jane Dyer
We first noticed Dyer in Talking Like the Rain: A Read-to-Me Book of Poems
Then, browsing in the non-fiction section of the library we came across Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Cookies: Bite-Size Life Lessons
3) John Himmelman
Himmelman's extensive experience observing and documenting the natural world is obvious in his renderings of animals. As my father-in-law commented about Chickens to the Rescue
In my late teens and early twenties, I chased down the abstract paintings of Kandinsky and Malevich, and as much as I enjoyed that, it was sort of a personal quirk and definitely a solitary pursuit. In these children's books, I've been able to share the experience of beauty and truth with two little people I love. It's fun to have them point out what they notice, eg. my two-year-old always points out the upside down chicken in Chickens to the Rescue, and for them to remember things we talked about the last time we read the book. One day I'll introduce my kids to Kandinsky and Malevich, but for now we're having a whale of a time with Pullen, Dyer, and Himmelman.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Outliers, part 3: Rolling with it
Our son is a bona fide outlier in terms of his weight. He's got good motor and cognitive development for his age, but he hasn't really been gaining weight for the past year. Working with his pediatrician, we've kept an eye on it and kept giving him time to add some poundage, and it's never come.
So in February, we did a round of initial blood tests. These showed no reason why he wasn't gaining weight. So our doctor wanted to next check for cystic fibrosis. I have done very little reading about the disease because the name sounds so scary. But my understanding is that cystic fibrosis could be preventing him from absorbing the nutrients he needs to grow.
We went in for this test which measures the salt in his sweat. But he didn't sweat enough. So we're going to need to go in again which we'll do at the end of April. We could have scheduled earlier, but February was too full of tests. We all needed a break.
I think that people see positive outliers (those smarter, faster, taller, etc.) and think, man wouldn't that be wonderful and aren't those parents so lucky to have kids like that. And there are some great things about such a situation, but also some draw backs -- like what kind of bed and what kind of clothes did 7ft+ Yao Ming need?
Then I think that people see negative outliers (those sicker, dumber, slower, etc.) and think, isn't that terrible and aren't those parents so cursed to have kids like that? And as we peer into the (hopefully remote) possibility that we will care for a son with an awful disease, I don't think my heart is processing things that much differently.
Part of it is my own mess, from part 1, where I grieve the loss of "normality" that comes with giftedness. So grief for smarts? Check. Grief for illness? Check. But we're in a place where we don't know for either kid. There are signs and symptoms that suggest that our daughter's intellectual development may be ahead of her peers, and there are signs and symptoms that suggest our son may have cystic fibrosis or some other disease.
For now, we have to live by faith that God is providing what we need for today. And for May, if we discover our son does have a dread disease then we will move forward trusting that God will provide for that occasion. And if, in a year or two or three, we discover one or more of our children are unable to flourish in their school, then we will move forward trusting that God will provide for that occasion too.
UPDATE: links to Part 1 & Part 2
So in February, we did a round of initial blood tests. These showed no reason why he wasn't gaining weight. So our doctor wanted to next check for cystic fibrosis. I have done very little reading about the disease because the name sounds so scary. But my understanding is that cystic fibrosis could be preventing him from absorbing the nutrients he needs to grow.
We went in for this test which measures the salt in his sweat. But he didn't sweat enough. So we're going to need to go in again which we'll do at the end of April. We could have scheduled earlier, but February was too full of tests. We all needed a break.
I think that people see positive outliers (those smarter, faster, taller, etc.) and think, man wouldn't that be wonderful and aren't those parents so lucky to have kids like that. And there are some great things about such a situation, but also some draw backs -- like what kind of bed and what kind of clothes did 7ft+ Yao Ming need?
Then I think that people see negative outliers (those sicker, dumber, slower, etc.) and think, isn't that terrible and aren't those parents so cursed to have kids like that? And as we peer into the (hopefully remote) possibility that we will care for a son with an awful disease, I don't think my heart is processing things that much differently.
Part of it is my own mess, from part 1, where I grieve the loss of "normality" that comes with giftedness. So grief for smarts? Check. Grief for illness? Check. But we're in a place where we don't know for either kid. There are signs and symptoms that suggest that our daughter's intellectual development may be ahead of her peers, and there are signs and symptoms that suggest our son may have cystic fibrosis or some other disease.
For now, we have to live by faith that God is providing what we need for today. And for May, if we discover our son does have a dread disease then we will move forward trusting that God will provide for that occasion. And if, in a year or two or three, we discover one or more of our children are unable to flourish in their school, then we will move forward trusting that God will provide for that occasion too.
UPDATE: links to Part 1 & Part 2
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Outliers, part 2: Basic principles
As we watch our daughter develop, we wonder if she too will be an outlier and what does that mean for her and us? Here I mean that she seems to be doing somethings ahead of schedule, and I'm not excluding this possibility for our son, but he's not so startlingly precocious at the moment.
Because of my childhood experiences, I have gone through a period of mourning over this possibility concerned that being different from her agemates would bring her inevitable grief. But as I have processed my own stuff, I have also thought about foundational principles that I would like my child or any child to understand.
I think one such principle is that God created us individually for his pleasure and glory (see Isaiah chapter 43 for one expression of this). This was translated for me in a 6th grade chapel as "God does not make mistakes." What a life-giving message to hear as a preteen, one that I went back to many, many time as a teenager. I wish that every outlier who feels alone and "not right" or "not normal" would be gripped with the reality of a loving God delighting to imbue him or her with just such qualities.
And just as the Creator God gave individual attention to each person, a second principle I want for our children is that the Redeemer Christ died for all. Translated, this means every individual is of the same, glorious worth, bought back with the shed blood of Jesus. So for all the pain of being an outlier, if you're out there in a socially approved way, smarter, faster, richer, more beautiful, etc. it's easy to believe that you're more special. And that, of course, is bupkis.
If we can communicate these two principles to our kids, I think their hearts will be well-prepared to handle life.
UPDATE: links to Part 1 & Part 3
Because of my childhood experiences, I have gone through a period of mourning over this possibility concerned that being different from her agemates would bring her inevitable grief. But as I have processed my own stuff, I have also thought about foundational principles that I would like my child or any child to understand.
I think one such principle is that God created us individually for his pleasure and glory (see Isaiah chapter 43 for one expression of this). This was translated for me in a 6th grade chapel as "God does not make mistakes." What a life-giving message to hear as a preteen, one that I went back to many, many time as a teenager. I wish that every outlier who feels alone and "not right" or "not normal" would be gripped with the reality of a loving God delighting to imbue him or her with just such qualities.
And just as the Creator God gave individual attention to each person, a second principle I want for our children is that the Redeemer Christ died for all. Translated, this means every individual is of the same, glorious worth, bought back with the shed blood of Jesus. So for all the pain of being an outlier, if you're out there in a socially approved way, smarter, faster, richer, more beautiful, etc. it's easy to believe that you're more special. And that, of course, is bupkis.
If we can communicate these two principles to our kids, I think their hearts will be well-prepared to handle life.
UPDATE: links to Part 1 & Part 3
Friday, March 8, 2013
Outliers, part 1: Someone had a bad day
In sixth grade, sometime at the end of math one day, the teacher handed back some graded something. As I was returning to my desk at the back of the class, L.O. stopped me and asked me, "What did you get?" I was kind of reluctant to tell her. She asked again, "What did you get?" I don't remember the grade, but just guessing, it was a 95 or 100 because that's just the way my math grades were. Then she said, "I hate you!" and stomped away.
I have lived for 20 years crushed by that encounter. When I think about how it felt to be effortlessly good at school, I think about that moment. Me being me was cause for a classmate to hate me, to see me with contempt.
I've been processing the experience of being an outlier lately and found that I kept running into grief. And when all roads led to this afternoon in sixth grade, I was finally able to reconfigure the moment. I had taken the experience completely personally which isn't surprising. Twelve year olds are only just coming into mature empathy and I was a late bloomer in that area. But with some perspective, I bet that L.O. was herself having a bad day. She was frustrated about her own grade and whatever else was going on in her life. Her pain was not meant for me, even though I carried it around for a long time.
It feels immensely freeing to give that memory and the emotional associations back to God. I've asked about half-a-dozen outlier friends about their childhood experiences and none of them seem to walk around wounded the way I was. I choose to believe that their positive experience is possible and that I had the more rare experience.
UPDATE: Links to Part 2 & Part 3
I have lived for 20 years crushed by that encounter. When I think about how it felt to be effortlessly good at school, I think about that moment. Me being me was cause for a classmate to hate me, to see me with contempt.
I've been processing the experience of being an outlier lately and found that I kept running into grief. And when all roads led to this afternoon in sixth grade, I was finally able to reconfigure the moment. I had taken the experience completely personally which isn't surprising. Twelve year olds are only just coming into mature empathy and I was a late bloomer in that area. But with some perspective, I bet that L.O. was herself having a bad day. She was frustrated about her own grade and whatever else was going on in her life. Her pain was not meant for me, even though I carried it around for a long time.
It feels immensely freeing to give that memory and the emotional associations back to God. I've asked about half-a-dozen outlier friends about their childhood experiences and none of them seem to walk around wounded the way I was. I choose to believe that their positive experience is possible and that I had the more rare experience.
UPDATE: Links to Part 2 & Part 3
Friday, February 22, 2013
Effort and faith
I think a lot about what's my part and what's God's part. Like when it comes to becoming a mother who is kind to her kids, what's my part and what's God part? Kindness is very hard to fake, in my mind. So it's probably going to involve an inward reorientation and that always makes me think of something God has to do.
Lately, the Dallas Willard stuff has been making me think hard about what's my part. Willard's model for change requires "VIM": Vision, Intention, & Means. What vision do I have about my relationship with my children? For starters, I want them to experience grace from me that they can hook up to the grace they've received from God. I can't imagine memories of their mom yelling impatiently at them is really going to help. As I understand it, by intention Willard means the focus of our will. When I come to the point of yelling or not yelling, will I force my will to override my emotions and choose kindness? Means, in the case, the means are very easy. My vocal cords and lungs can modulate my volume and my tone easily. There's no physical reason why I have to yell.
This notion of forcing the will to override emotions is the most unnatural part of this to me. It feels a little godless, like all I'm going to do is muscle up and sit on my yell button so I can't hit it. But as I think about it, for my example, it's probably the place where I need to be most disciplined about calling God into the process. "God, help me to carry through with not yelling, with having an attitude of kindness."
I think I question the what's my part, what's God's part because God is so obviously more able. So why should I expend my puny effort or how can I believe that my relatively puny effort will be necessary or productive? Here I think the answer is that I need to ruthlessly apply my effort not because it is big in God's world but because it is big in my world. My efforts represent my desire for "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done." Is it more important for me to get my way, or is it more important for God's will to prevail, and surely his will is for me to be kind to my children? Who sits on the throne of my life? If I'm to allow God to sit on the throne and run my life then surely it's not surprising that I have to spend my effort to keep myself off the throne.
Lately, the Dallas Willard stuff has been making me think hard about what's my part. Willard's model for change requires "VIM": Vision, Intention, & Means. What vision do I have about my relationship with my children? For starters, I want them to experience grace from me that they can hook up to the grace they've received from God. I can't imagine memories of their mom yelling impatiently at them is really going to help. As I understand it, by intention Willard means the focus of our will. When I come to the point of yelling or not yelling, will I force my will to override my emotions and choose kindness? Means, in the case, the means are very easy. My vocal cords and lungs can modulate my volume and my tone easily. There's no physical reason why I have to yell.
This notion of forcing the will to override emotions is the most unnatural part of this to me. It feels a little godless, like all I'm going to do is muscle up and sit on my yell button so I can't hit it. But as I think about it, for my example, it's probably the place where I need to be most disciplined about calling God into the process. "God, help me to carry through with not yelling, with having an attitude of kindness."
I think I question the what's my part, what's God's part because God is so obviously more able. So why should I expend my puny effort or how can I believe that my relatively puny effort will be necessary or productive? Here I think the answer is that I need to ruthlessly apply my effort not because it is big in God's world but because it is big in my world. My efforts represent my desire for "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done." Is it more important for me to get my way, or is it more important for God's will to prevail, and surely his will is for me to be kind to my children? Who sits on the throne of my life? If I'm to allow God to sit on the throne and run my life then surely it's not surprising that I have to spend my effort to keep myself off the throne.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Lent: Giving up Contempt
It's that awkward time of the year again where Lent starts and I never know what to say, "Happy Lent?" That just seems weird.
Anyways, in brief, since I have dishes that need to be washed and a bed calling out to me, I've been listening to Dallas Willard's lectures on his book the Divine Conspiracy and one of this themes is a reading of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) as Christ calling us away from contempt, arguing that what Jesus does in those passages is redeeming the contemptible. I haven't read the book, but the notion has given me pause.
So for Lent, I'm giving up political news which always stirs up my contempt-o-meter. I've done this before with a general sense that my news addiction was unhealthy, but this year I feel I have a bead on the problem: when I read news, I'm not really just encountering information I'm judging and condemning. It's ugly.
Sadly, however, the news is really the least of my problems. What I have realized recently is that the object of my regular contempt is my children. When I get impatient and raise my voice, when I feel I can't take it any more, what has happened in my heart is that I am holding my children in contempt. So while Lent is frequently about foregoing something and I am doing that, this Lent, I want to dig in an embrace kindness and embrace my children.
Anyways, in brief, since I have dishes that need to be washed and a bed calling out to me, I've been listening to Dallas Willard's lectures on his book the Divine Conspiracy and one of this themes is a reading of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) as Christ calling us away from contempt, arguing that what Jesus does in those passages is redeeming the contemptible. I haven't read the book, but the notion has given me pause.
So for Lent, I'm giving up political news which always stirs up my contempt-o-meter. I've done this before with a general sense that my news addiction was unhealthy, but this year I feel I have a bead on the problem: when I read news, I'm not really just encountering information I'm judging and condemning. It's ugly.
Sadly, however, the news is really the least of my problems. What I have realized recently is that the object of my regular contempt is my children. When I get impatient and raise my voice, when I feel I can't take it any more, what has happened in my heart is that I am holding my children in contempt. So while Lent is frequently about foregoing something and I am doing that, this Lent, I want to dig in an embrace kindness and embrace my children.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Close
I deadlifted 150lbs today. A deadlift is where you pick the bar up off the floor until you're standing straight up with the weight hanging at the ends of your arms.
That would have been lifting my body weight, but I've gained weight since I started. So I should get to lifting body weight next week. Meh. I guess my next goal is 1.5 X bodyweight or ~225-235 lbs.
At the other end of the spectrum, my squat and press are at 37 lbs. I'm not even at the 45 lbs that makes up the standard empty bar. As far as the press goes, I'm not surprised since 1) it's an upper body movement and 2) I have a tear in my left shoulder socket.
The squat, however, is a total disappointment, especially since my deadlift is triple the squat. Well, it turns out that the hip flexors in my post-surgical hip are super weak, but I don't use them in everyday life so I never noticed. The hip flexors help bring the knee up toward the chest. Not a huge set of muscles but clearly the limiting factor in squating.
This kind of makes me wonder what other niggling little weaknesses I have in my life that preventing me from doing what I should be able to do.
That would have been lifting my body weight, but I've gained weight since I started. So I should get to lifting body weight next week. Meh. I guess my next goal is 1.5 X bodyweight or ~225-235 lbs.
At the other end of the spectrum, my squat and press are at 37 lbs. I'm not even at the 45 lbs that makes up the standard empty bar. As far as the press goes, I'm not surprised since 1) it's an upper body movement and 2) I have a tear in my left shoulder socket.
The squat, however, is a total disappointment, especially since my deadlift is triple the squat. Well, it turns out that the hip flexors in my post-surgical hip are super weak, but I don't use them in everyday life so I never noticed. The hip flexors help bring the knee up toward the chest. Not a huge set of muscles but clearly the limiting factor in squating.
This kind of makes me wonder what other niggling little weaknesses I have in my life that preventing me from doing what I should be able to do.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Lifting weights
So sometime in December, I was trying to get my daughter in and out of shopping carts and realized I was having a rough time. And then I realized she was only 30 lbs -- maybe 32 lbs. And I thought to myself When did I become such a weakling?
Then my mother noted that I had not been exercising and sent us some money for Christmas to rectify that problem.
I've been lifting weights for 2 weeks now. I saw a couple recommendations for Starting Strength and decided to try that program.
To sum up the program, all I do is lift weights. Squats, presses, and deadlifts. Here are things I'm enjoying in no particular order.
Then my mother noted that I had not been exercising and sent us some money for Christmas to rectify that problem.
I've been lifting weights for 2 weeks now. I saw a couple recommendations for Starting Strength and decided to try that program.
To sum up the program, all I do is lift weights. Squats, presses, and deadlifts. Here are things I'm enjoying in no particular order.
- It's very simple
- No cardio
- I'm focused on moving weights and not how terrible I feel
- Currently, I can finish everything up in 30-40 minutes, and I'm sweating hard within 10 min
- It kicks in enough endorphins to help with the depression
- There's daycare for my kids
- Since I'm shooting for strength (low reps) vs endurance (high reps) there's not a lot of lactic acid and I'm not cripplingly sore
- In 2 weeks, my posture is already better
- Since I keep a log, improvement is easy to see (I deadlifted 118 today!)
- I have been going at a time where there's no competition for the equipment and no traffic on the way
- In the 5 minutes I spend warming up on the elliptical, I've been reviewing a memory verse, currently I Thess 5:23-24
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Harshin' my mellow
One thing I've been pondering lately is why I don't always obey God, aka "Do the right thing."
And when it comes down to it, in that moment, I believe my way is better or my way is the only way I know how to do.
The big thing right now is not yelling at my kids. I think there's a ton of insight in the Bible on why I should not yell at my kids. We'll start with the verse I work with my daughter on "Be kind, one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another even as Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)
So I know that verse and many others, but I still regularly lose my temper with my kids. What's wrong with me?
In my devotional time this morning I read,
See! We're not harshin' your mellow. Obeying your parents as God has instructed you to do, that's gold, that's honey, that's reward.
(Seriously, she bawls like we killed her fictional, pet kitten and served it to her for dinner. It's ridiculous)
But then, I realized this is ME. I think that God is harshin' MY mellow, that giving up my right to anger at my kids or at whomever will hurt me in someway. No, I've got to explode. I deserve to explode. Can't you see how bad he/she was to me?
But that's not true. And it's not a little bit untrue, it's completely untrue. Angry outbursts never solve my problem and any satisfaction I get from them are so fleeting and never worth the cost.
Keeping the laws of God: gold, honey, reward. Value, sweetness, true recompense.
God, help me to see how flimsy my "mellow" is, like dust in the mouth. Let me see your guidance as gold, honey, & reward.
And when it comes down to it, in that moment, I believe my way is better or my way is the only way I know how to do.
The big thing right now is not yelling at my kids. I think there's a ton of insight in the Bible on why I should not yell at my kids. We'll start with the verse I work with my daughter on "Be kind, one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another even as Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)
So I know that verse and many others, but I still regularly lose my temper with my kids. What's wrong with me?
In my devotional time this morning I read,
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold;they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
~Psalm 19:9-11When I first read this, I wanted to jump up and point it out to my daughter:
See! We're not harshin' your mellow. Obeying your parents as God has instructed you to do, that's gold, that's honey, that's reward.
(Seriously, she bawls like we killed her fictional, pet kitten and served it to her for dinner. It's ridiculous)
But then, I realized this is ME. I think that God is harshin' MY mellow, that giving up my right to anger at my kids or at whomever will hurt me in someway. No, I've got to explode. I deserve to explode. Can't you see how bad he/she was to me?
But that's not true. And it's not a little bit untrue, it's completely untrue. Angry outbursts never solve my problem and any satisfaction I get from them are so fleeting and never worth the cost.
Keeping the laws of God: gold, honey, reward. Value, sweetness, true recompense.
God, help me to see how flimsy my "mellow" is, like dust in the mouth. Let me see your guidance as gold, honey, & reward.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Minor update
For the half dozen people who might still read what I write here:
I have spent every day of this new year with some combination of a migraine & vertigo. The docs think I should be better soon, and I hope they are right.
I have switched my medication -- from Celexa to Welbutrin, in case you want specifics. I had been on Celexa for the year leading up to this recent round of depression.
I have also gotten in touch with a new therapist whom I will see this upcoming Wednesday.
I have spent every day of this new year with some combination of a migraine & vertigo. The docs think I should be better soon, and I hope they are right.
I have switched my medication -- from Celexa to Welbutrin, in case you want specifics. I had been on Celexa for the year leading up to this recent round of depression.
I have also gotten in touch with a new therapist whom I will see this upcoming Wednesday.
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