Love, Actually

On this Valentine's weekend, I want to discuss why I find myself mostly watching action flicks. Well, first, my husband has a big DVD collection from his single days. Going through our pre-paid entertainment collection means that we watch guy-oriented, action-flicks a fair amount. This was initally annoying. However, the more I'm married the more I find that watching the alternative and what I used to watch, chick-flicks, doesn't do anything for me. Now that I'm in a real live, flesh-and-blood relationship, I can hardly stand to watch what passes for one on screen. At its best, an on-screen relationship is like eating cotton candy; a sweet carnival treat that isn't filling. But really, most of the time, I think to myself, "But you guys actually suck as people and have no idea how to survive as a couple long term."

I've been thinking about love lately because I am recognizing how UNloving part of me is. That's the part that feels, "I want what I want and that's what I should get." But I'm also observing that I'm getting Holy Spirit nudges, more like sharp elbows, to consider, "What is best for him/her?" And as I work out what is best for another person and move in that direction, I find that it comes at a cost to me. But I'm paying that cost and I can pay that cost because Jesus paid the ultimate price for me.

My objection to fantasy, Hollywood relationships is that it sells love as a feeling. So I feel cheated when love has me awake early taking care of my child while my husband sleeps in. But when I look to Jesus, what I see is someone who claimed to love people and demonstrated it by dying in their place so they could be rescued from eternal death. When I look away from Hollywood toward Jesus, love is hardly a feeling. It is sacrificial action for the good of another. In that context, it becomes important to me that my husband gets the sleep he needs and I can gladly (most of the time) take kid duty.

I have seen long-term marriages that seem to thrive while neither party are believers. That's amazing to me and maybe I don't know the ins and outs of those relationships. But in my marriage, my parent-child relationships, my sibling relationships, my friend to friend relationships, the model of Jesus's sacrificial love and the promise that God will help me actually love others--that's what makes love possible in my life. Maybe I'm a particularly crappy person, but being honest here, without that, I'm a pretty selfish person who couldn't give a rip about how anyone else is doing.

Sacrificial action on behalf of another modeled after Jesus's life; that's love, actually.

I am one of the dead

The past couple months have been a rough time. Not only have I felt stretched physically, particularly as I've been smacked with 3rd trimester fatigue, but emotionally, I've felt barely able to hang on. In this frame of mind, I encountered the Apostle Paul talking about his rough time in his second letter to believers in Corinth:

...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.
~Chpt 1

As I've been meditating on these verses, I feel my faith is being pivotally changed under the gentlest care of a loving God.

During this rough time, it has become crucially apparent that I am powerless to solve the problems in and around my life. I am one of the dead. The natural processes in me are corruption and decay. Even if I wanted to I could not grit my teeth and make stuff happen; be holier, love better, trust God more. But in Christ, I experience life. I am one of the dead who is being raised to life by God. My part is to submit to that reality--I think that's what hope is--and there I find that I am indeed delivered, I am being delivered, and look forward to continued deliverance.

I think this experience is another reason why 2011 needs to more about "doing less". The cultural influences around me--my profession, the productivity/finance blogs I read, my church community--place a high value on getting things measurably done. I think there's an appropriate place for action and tangible accomplishment, but in this season, I think a mindset of "doing less" will allow me to better see and experience how "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." If you're a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers during this time.