Right before bed last night, I was trying to remember 2014 before it slipped away. For me, it was hard to get back further than our fall family crisis. The aftermath of that felt like it had sucked up so much recent oxygen. But thankfully N has a better memory than I.
I started off the year writing daily in preparation for a new paper. I did well for 2-3 months which should have established a habit, but then I got depressed in March while tapering off my winter antidepressant (for the 2nd time). That threw a wrench in a lot of things. I had also up until then been extremely consistent with my weightlifting which had moved from a gym into my garage. Both writing and lifting fell off, writing more than lifting.
About that time, I also agreed to begin leading the women's ministry at our church. That was really exciting in many ways and allowed me to exercise some of my gifts that had lay dormant for a while. In particular, I enjoyed developing a mission statement for the ministry and some thoughts on undergirding pillars to guide making choices. I also enjoyed mentoring my team that led various parts of the ministry.
In the late spring, our daughter was diagnosed with some mild developmental delays which was honestly, shocking to me. I think as a newbie parent, I never suspected a thing about our oldest. But we have a good pediatrician and a good preschool teacher. So we went off to speech and occupational therapy. That took up most of what was supposed to be a laid back summer. During the less laid back summer, our son decided to potty train himself which was a GODsend. Love it.
Despite falling off the writing wagon, I was able to pull together a conference paper and traveled with the kids to the Pacific Northwest in August to escape the late summer heat and deliver the talk. It was great! The kids also got to see their older 2nd cousins and loved it. They continue to ask to return to hangout with them.
A few weeks after our return, our oldest started kindergarten, eek! She attends a half-day afternoon session while our son attends a morning preschool a few times a week. Our minivan is getting a workout. But kindergarten has been better than we anticipated. Specifically, she loves her daily dose of PE and her main language arts/math teacher is delightful and attentive to making accommodations where L needs it and providing extra challenges too. I was generally the freaked out mom sending her first to kindergarten, but our family crisis came the second week of school and effectively squashed my brain space to fret about that. This is probably better for everyone. Now that life is slightly more stable, I'd like to meet with her teacher about 1st grade. We'll see. As a reference point, our dear L read Charlotte's Web yesterday. I can't keep up, but hopefully her teachers can.
While I don't really want to discuss our family crisis, here are a few random highlights from the fall. In September, I started attending a small women's group. I think they call it mentoring. I call it my Jesus group where we encourage one another to allow Jesus to be the center of our authentic (read messy) lives. Love that time; love those ladies. Also in September, one of N's college friends came out to visit us, and it was great to be able to reconnect with him.
Our family minivan lost its AC over the summer (bad timing), but we muddled through and looked to replace the 14-year-old van by April 2015. We were able to get a great, nay superb deal, on a 6-year-old, low-mileage van in October. I feel like the Beverly Hillbillies driving this enormous van with all its bells and whistles. The kids still don't know it has a DVD player with two screens that fold out of the ceiling.
In November, N's project released to the public, Halo: Master Chief Collection. The project was panned soundly by critics, but the ship should right itself soon and fanbois around the world can rejoice.
In mid-December, my mom came to visit for the holidays which was great for us, although my dad is alone overseas while she's here. However, they say they are moving back to the states next year. I'll believe it when I see it.
On a more sobering note, I had my severest episode of depression to date a few weeks ago. After talking with a psychiatrist, I'm moving off an antidepressant to a mood stabilizer. The transition has not been particularly smooth, but I am generally hopeful that we'll land on something that will help me avoid another debilitating episode like that one.
At the end of 2014, I'd say I was weary but hopeful, and perhaps most of all grateful for the way God gently teaches me His sufficiency in all things.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Give me Jesus
So in the world of the elite, the big kerfluffle has been that a high powered woman has written a long article entitled Why Women Still Can't Have It All. By all, she means a prestigious work position and a satisfying family life. This kicked off a lot of discussion all over and some of it is collected here. I really liked my friend's personal response. She reflects on her own personal experiences and begins her final paragraph with this sentence, "Jesus never said we could have it all."
That crystallized my thinking on the matter. Not only did Jesus never say we could have it all, he said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross daily and follow me. (The good news according to Luke, chpt 9)”
I just read a novel set in World War I. It presented many leaders as selfish and incompetent causing many of their followers to suffer and die needlessly. Eventually, some simply stopped following. Jesus is the antithesis of these leaders, selfless and masterful.
Following, by definition, involves giving up some control because someone else is leading. Jesus doesn't gloss over this. He baldly told his hangers on, "Hey, if you decided to hitch on to my wagon train, you're going to have to give up what you want and you're going to take on a tortured death symbol (the cross)."
What separates Jesus from every other leader is that he is the rightful leader--as creator of the universe--and the good leader--as a loving omnipotent father.
So "How can I have it all?" or even "How can I have as much as possible?" is really the wrong question. The better question is, "Where does Jesus want me?" The best place we can be is wherever Jesus is taking us.
As an aside, that was my consolation when I was living overseas and got into a bus that had just slid a 100 yds on ice to a stop at my bus stop. I figured that if God had brought me there, he knew about crazy buses and ice and that I'd need them to get to my work, and he'd take care of things from there.
So yes, I have been grieving many of the professional changes that motherhood has brought on, but I have not regretted the changes. For me, that's been part of denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Jesus. I read about a doctor mom who left her 9 month-old stateside to spend time setting up a clinic overseas. That kind of self-denial, cross-bearing, and following is something I hope I would never have to face. But she did it, she bore those costs trusting in the Jesus she was following.
In the end, perhaps what we may realize is that we have the most profound richness in life when we are most deeply entrenched in Jesus-life. And isn't that what we really want, to live rich, meaningful lives?
A college friend introduced me to Fernando Ortega's song, Give me Jesus. It's repetitive, but the meditation and plea is the substantive rebuttal to "How can I have it all?"
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Chorus:
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
[Chorus]
That crystallized my thinking on the matter. Not only did Jesus never say we could have it all, he said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross daily and follow me. (The good news according to Luke, chpt 9)”
I just read a novel set in World War I. It presented many leaders as selfish and incompetent causing many of their followers to suffer and die needlessly. Eventually, some simply stopped following. Jesus is the antithesis of these leaders, selfless and masterful.
Following, by definition, involves giving up some control because someone else is leading. Jesus doesn't gloss over this. He baldly told his hangers on, "Hey, if you decided to hitch on to my wagon train, you're going to have to give up what you want and you're going to take on a tortured death symbol (the cross)."
What separates Jesus from every other leader is that he is the rightful leader--as creator of the universe--and the good leader--as a loving omnipotent father.
So "How can I have it all?" or even "How can I have as much as possible?" is really the wrong question. The better question is, "Where does Jesus want me?" The best place we can be is wherever Jesus is taking us.
As an aside, that was my consolation when I was living overseas and got into a bus that had just slid a 100 yds on ice to a stop at my bus stop. I figured that if God had brought me there, he knew about crazy buses and ice and that I'd need them to get to my work, and he'd take care of things from there.
So yes, I have been grieving many of the professional changes that motherhood has brought on, but I have not regretted the changes. For me, that's been part of denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Jesus. I read about a doctor mom who left her 9 month-old stateside to spend time setting up a clinic overseas. That kind of self-denial, cross-bearing, and following is something I hope I would never have to face. But she did it, she bore those costs trusting in the Jesus she was following.
In the end, perhaps what we may realize is that we have the most profound richness in life when we are most deeply entrenched in Jesus-life. And isn't that what we really want, to live rich, meaningful lives?
A college friend introduced me to Fernando Ortega's song, Give me Jesus. It's repetitive, but the meditation and plea is the substantive rebuttal to "How can I have it all?"
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus
Chorus:
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus
When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
[Chorus]
When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Redefining what counts
It's disorienting to be in new spaces; moving to a new place, moving to a new job, moving to a new stage in life. Having done all of those in the past 2 years, I've had a lot of time to be disoriented and to think about it.
A friend recently moved from East Africa to the States and discovered that her expert malaria-prevention skills are useless, kind of like my parallel-parking skills and my turning-left-on-red skills. Instead I've been boning up my navigating-the-medical-industrial-complex skills and taking-the-kid-to-preschool skills.
My sister-in-law is a newly minted mom and bemoans her days of "getting nothing done." Actually she and all moms do a lot, just none of it counts. It's a particularly hard adjustment if your previous life had easily identifiable to-do lists. She's a pharmacist and there are obvious pharmacist things to do and patients to not kill. I was a teacher and grad student. I had specific hoops to jump, lessons to deliver, and papers to grade.
The new mommy check list is woefully short: Keep baby alive and clean. When possible, rest and feed yourself. So I was very encouraged to read the exhortation to find "quiet ways to love and serve others without applause" That really sums up new motherhood, particularly for stay-at-home moms. There is tragically little applause and lots of demands.
However, the more I walk this Jesus journey the more I think this is the call to all Jesus followers. Flash and bang, shock and awe should be the exception not the rule. This is something I so value in my husband, his faithfulness in the ordinary. Actually, it can be irritating because his service can appear to be inflexible habit, but he's so consistent about it; doing the dishes, taking out the trash, closing up the house for the night, tending to our electronics, tending to the church electronics, tending to the neighbors' electronics and so forth.
My bent is to think that things you could proudly tell a stranger are the things that count; publications, projects, travels, etc. Changing diapers, burping babies, taking out trash, and fixing computers are not things you would discuss and do not count. And that's crap. All those hidden hours of love and service count, and they count in the eyes of the one who matters most, our Creator.
A friend recently moved from East Africa to the States and discovered that her expert malaria-prevention skills are useless, kind of like my parallel-parking skills and my turning-left-on-red skills. Instead I've been boning up my navigating-the-medical-industrial-complex skills and taking-the-kid-to-preschool skills.
My sister-in-law is a newly minted mom and bemoans her days of "getting nothing done." Actually she and all moms do a lot, just none of it counts. It's a particularly hard adjustment if your previous life had easily identifiable to-do lists. She's a pharmacist and there are obvious pharmacist things to do and patients to not kill. I was a teacher and grad student. I had specific hoops to jump, lessons to deliver, and papers to grade.
The new mommy check list is woefully short: Keep baby alive and clean. When possible, rest and feed yourself. So I was very encouraged to read the exhortation to find "quiet ways to love and serve others without applause" That really sums up new motherhood, particularly for stay-at-home moms. There is tragically little applause and lots of demands.
However, the more I walk this Jesus journey the more I think this is the call to all Jesus followers. Flash and bang, shock and awe should be the exception not the rule. This is something I so value in my husband, his faithfulness in the ordinary. Actually, it can be irritating because his service can appear to be inflexible habit, but he's so consistent about it; doing the dishes, taking out the trash, closing up the house for the night, tending to our electronics, tending to the church electronics, tending to the neighbors' electronics and so forth.
My bent is to think that things you could proudly tell a stranger are the things that count; publications, projects, travels, etc. Changing diapers, burping babies, taking out trash, and fixing computers are not things you would discuss and do not count. And that's crap. All those hidden hours of love and service count, and they count in the eyes of the one who matters most, our Creator.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A moment of public grieving
NB: The following is not a complaint. I'm not asking for accommodation nor am I wishing for a different life.
While my day to day life in the past 18 months has been decidedly domestic, I am a linguist* by training. Today, I received an announcement for a conference workshop that is right up my alley. I have work I'd love to present there and get feedback on. I'd probably even be interested in the other presentations offered. Exciting stuff on the order of magnitude of being a U2 fan and getting a backstage pass--VERY EXCITING.
SO NOT GOING. The conference is in Australia. I don't think we budgeted for Australia this year. Then, it's in December of this year. As in, one month after a requisite family flight to my cousin's wedding. As in, I'll have a still-nursing, 8-month-old son.
What a bummer. I love my cousin; I love my children; my husband makes good money. I'm still sad that I can't even think of participating in this.
Ok. That's off my chest. Back to playing with the kids.
--
*Linguists are not necessarily grammar, spelling, and punctuation freaks--at least I'm not.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Do diligently: Lessons from my husband
As butter noted in the previous post the quiet life is not an inactive life. I completely agree, and if you hung around our house, you'd experience a certain hum. For our family "do less" is about the pitch of the hum. It's about being deliberate instead of getting swept into a panicked frenzy or taut exhaustion.
I write about "doing less" because I'm a recovering "do more" person. As in, I've spent the past 14 years since graduating from high school trying to figure out what is doing for doing sake and what is actually worth doing. In high school, I figured that doing more stuff added lines to the resume which made getting into college more likely. So I did that, and I was rewarded handsomely--I got a scholarship to a top-10 university. I was also totally miserable.
One thing I really admire about my husband N is that he is extremely diligent in what he does. A fair amount of this may be his personality and he may be focused to a fault at times, but since that trait is not my strong suit I'm totally wow-ed.
By profession and interest, N is a programmer. This is not like saying so-and-so is a lawyer or such-and-such is a fireman. N has been programming since he was 8. Other than eating and tying my shoes, I don't know what I've been doing since I was 8. And I know no one starts lawyering or fighting fires at 8. When it comes to programming, his basic MO is "make it work." When he can't make it work, he gets really frustrated. Now this might sound very normal, but think about all the worker bees around the world who are just punching the clock. They go to work and all they want to do is to survive to the end of the day doing enough to not get fired.
While promotions and raises are nice, really what N wants is for the thing to work right. This desire is so strong that his personal hobby time is devoted to fixing a video game that is 10 years old that a couple hundred people in the world might still play. He doesn't get paid for this, and in fact, one of the current players cussed him out in a Hitler parody video.
Well, if you're anything like me, N's diligence and focus sound impossible. I'm a real scatter brain. My cousin calls me a "dropper"; N loves this, and I have to admit it is kind of true. I leave things around; I half finish tasks. It's not pretty. "Do less" gives me a fighting chance of working toward diligence. There are two parts to this. On the one hand, when I'm stressed or feeling my plate is over-full, the dropping goes up exponentially and I feel justified about it. On the other hand, when we're at a good hum with a full, but not over-full plate, I'm able to reign in the scatter-brained-ness and see things through.
This year in "doing less" has certainly not been about doing nothing. It's been about saying yes to some things and no to other things so that the things we say yes to actually get accomplished and not left half done. Although, since I'm part of this deal--let's be honest--some things are still dropped half way through.
I write about "doing less" because I'm a recovering "do more" person. As in, I've spent the past 14 years since graduating from high school trying to figure out what is doing for doing sake and what is actually worth doing. In high school, I figured that doing more stuff added lines to the resume which made getting into college more likely. So I did that, and I was rewarded handsomely--I got a scholarship to a top-10 university. I was also totally miserable.
One thing I really admire about my husband N is that he is extremely diligent in what he does. A fair amount of this may be his personality and he may be focused to a fault at times, but since that trait is not my strong suit I'm totally wow-ed.
By profession and interest, N is a programmer. This is not like saying so-and-so is a lawyer or such-and-such is a fireman. N has been programming since he was 8. Other than eating and tying my shoes, I don't know what I've been doing since I was 8. And I know no one starts lawyering or fighting fires at 8. When it comes to programming, his basic MO is "make it work." When he can't make it work, he gets really frustrated. Now this might sound very normal, but think about all the worker bees around the world who are just punching the clock. They go to work and all they want to do is to survive to the end of the day doing enough to not get fired.
While promotions and raises are nice, really what N wants is for the thing to work right. This desire is so strong that his personal hobby time is devoted to fixing a video game that is 10 years old that a couple hundred people in the world might still play. He doesn't get paid for this, and in fact, one of the current players cussed him out in a Hitler parody video.
Well, if you're anything like me, N's diligence and focus sound impossible. I'm a real scatter brain. My cousin calls me a "dropper"; N loves this, and I have to admit it is kind of true. I leave things around; I half finish tasks. It's not pretty. "Do less" gives me a fighting chance of working toward diligence. There are two parts to this. On the one hand, when I'm stressed or feeling my plate is over-full, the dropping goes up exponentially and I feel justified about it. On the other hand, when we're at a good hum with a full, but not over-full plate, I'm able to reign in the scatter-brained-ness and see things through.
This year in "doing less" has certainly not been about doing nothing. It's been about saying yes to some things and no to other things so that the things we say yes to actually get accomplished and not left half done. Although, since I'm part of this deal--let's be honest--some things are still dropped half way through.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I am one of the dead
The past couple months have been a rough time. Not only have I felt stretched physically, particularly as I've been smacked with 3rd trimester fatigue, but emotionally, I've felt barely able to hang on. In this frame of mind, I encountered the Apostle Paul talking about his rough time in his second letter to believers in Corinth:
During this rough time, it has become crucially apparent that I am powerless to solve the problems in and around my life. I am one of the dead. The natural processes in me are corruption and decay. Even if I wanted to I could not grit my teeth and make stuff happen; be holier, love better, trust God more. But in Christ, I experience life. I am one of the dead who is being raised to life by God. My part is to submit to that reality--I think that's what hope is--and there I find that I am indeed delivered, I am being delivered, and look forward to continued deliverance.
I think this experience is another reason why 2011 needs to more about "doing less". The cultural influences around me--my profession, the productivity/finance blogs I read, my church community--place a high value on getting things measurably done. I think there's an appropriate place for action and tangible accomplishment, but in this season, I think a mindset of "doing less" will allow me to better see and experience how "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." If you're a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers during this time.
...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.As I've been meditating on these verses, I feel my faith is being pivotally changed under the gentlest care of a loving God.
~Chpt 1
During this rough time, it has become crucially apparent that I am powerless to solve the problems in and around my life. I am one of the dead. The natural processes in me are corruption and decay. Even if I wanted to I could not grit my teeth and make stuff happen; be holier, love better, trust God more. But in Christ, I experience life. I am one of the dead who is being raised to life by God. My part is to submit to that reality--I think that's what hope is--and there I find that I am indeed delivered, I am being delivered, and look forward to continued deliverance.
I think this experience is another reason why 2011 needs to more about "doing less". The cultural influences around me--my profession, the productivity/finance blogs I read, my church community--place a high value on getting things measurably done. I think there's an appropriate place for action and tangible accomplishment, but in this season, I think a mindset of "doing less" will allow me to better see and experience how "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." If you're a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers during this time.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Conflicting voices
I missed last week because I have been struggling between competing views on motherhood. In one camp, the 60s feminists reject the patriarchy of the 50s that told them "Father knows best" and that women were only for the home. Instead women are men; in fact, better versions of men with breasts and wombs. Anything you can do I can do better. Birth control and nannies open up endless possibilities to climb to the top of anything. In the other camp, evangelical women reject the rejection of the 60s feminists and say, "Wait a minute, mothering matters! It matters more than you would know." Just as hired hands don't care for the sheep the way the shepherd does, no one is going to love your kid more than you do, so hop to it. If you love Jesus, you won't work outside the home. At 30, I feel just young enough to have missed all of this. None of these ideologies are mine. I have never lived in a world where women weren't allowed to try for any career they wanted and where women haven't significantly contributed to making the world a better place in public fora.
I'm posting not because I've come to any conclusions about this but I'm trying to nail down why it's been so hard to pull together thoughts. So here are some observations.
What I see here are women with publicly applied skills many of whom, given the culture they lived in, probably had husbands and children. What does this mean for us today? I don't know, but that's what I see.
--
This post is part of an ongoing series I am writing along with the author of On Expecting
I'm posting not because I've come to any conclusions about this but I'm trying to nail down why it's been so hard to pull together thoughts. So here are some observations.
- I think that in addition to a theology of motherhood or family, we need a theology of work particularly skilled work that takes training.
- We carry a lot of cultural baggage that makes developing any theology difficult or makes developing an honest theology that isn't just us stuffing ourselves into what we want the Bible to say difficult.
- Our cultural baggage includes the false dichotomy of either being a stay at home, home schooling mom OR being a secular, working woman.
- Our cultural baggage also includes the sense that work endows us with our identity AND is meaningless.
10Samuel told all the words of the LORD to the people who were asking him for a king. 11 He said, "This is what the king who will reign over you will do: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses, and they will run in front of his chariots...He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers.
~I Samuel, chapter 8
1After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, 2and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; 3Joanna the wife of Cuza, the manager of Herod's household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.
~The Gospel according to Luke, chapter 8
What I see here are women with publicly applied skills many of whom, given the culture they lived in, probably had husbands and children. What does this mean for us today? I don't know, but that's what I see.
--
This post is part of an ongoing series I am writing along with the author of On Expecting
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