I got to see a college friend's mom today. I first met her something like 15 years ago. She asked how my family was doing. What do you say to that? It's been crazy, intense, and filled with gems of goodness.
There's my dad's cancer thing. Currently, looking less and less like cancer. But along the way, tremendous support from his church and medical professionals at many institutions.
And by the way, my mom was the first one we contacted about helping us after my surgery. THANK GOD she turned us down because of their previously planned trip for a 2 month stay in Malaysia. The week before the Malaysia trip is when all this crazy cancer stuff hit the roof. The two of them have been such a team wading through a 100+ medical articles to figure out what questions to be asking regarding my dad's test results.
There's my shoulder surgery. Unexpectedly, my mother in law came instead of my father in law and stayed 2 full weeks instead of a week after my surgery. A huge help in many ways especially since it took me most of 2 weeks to get back on my feet. Church folk, neighbors and even a lady from the gym have been delivering meals. Some single ladies from our church small group have been coming in the evenings before N gets home from work to help me feed the kids and bathe them. Also huge.
And Sunday, my nephew unexpectedly arrived in the world 8 weeks early yet healthy. My brother's family life has been turned upside down but in the details that matter, they are doing great. Baby CJ is breathing on his own, doing well and my sister in law is also fine. Again, wonderful help from their church friends providing meals and helping with my 2 year old neice.
Jesus talks about coming to earth so that we could have life abundantly. When I'm running late while sweating in the summer-that-won't-end while trying to buckle my kids in their carseats with just one working arm, I'm not feeling the abundance of life. I want the thermostat to turn down, I want my kids to cooperate so I can get the car going and the AC running.
But when I think about life, how my family is alive and healthy, I am so grateful. I count these moments of alive-ness where my kids pick up every stick and twig and feather, where my niece meets her brother in his isolette, where my dad waves to us over skype, and I collect them in overflowing abundance because in the details that matter, we have been graced with abundant life.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Pulling it together
Well, I have to say that I am very thankful for my husband and friends who have been a great help and encouragement as I figure stuff out.
Logistics were wrapped up by the end of Wednesday. Instead of my father-in-law coming to help after my surgery my mother-in-law will be coming.
So the "Who is going to take care of the kids while I'm in surgery?" question fizzled out quickly, but it's a different thing getting ready for a father-in-law than a mother-in-law. So it took me another day or two to get myself ready for that notion.
As far as my dad being sick, that is its own very weird situation. For all intents and purposes, my dad feels like a really healthy guy, no different from last week. But preliminary tests say he's got a rare cancer. At this point, if he feels sick it's going to be because of the chemo. There's one more round of tests this week and then my parents get to survey their options and choose their next steps.
A sustaining idea in this time has been what Brennan Manning calls the "present risenness" of Jesus. Present meaning both now and near and risenness meaning having defeated death and fully alive. So while I was feeling crushed by stress, I had this beckoning sense that Jesus was near and trying to push through the anxiety. I could see light creeping around the edges of the folds of darkness. This idea that the loving creator of the universe stands near me with such power that death was broken has been a lifeline of hope when the worst of myself cries out to be believed.
Logistics were wrapped up by the end of Wednesday. Instead of my father-in-law coming to help after my surgery my mother-in-law will be coming.
So the "Who is going to take care of the kids while I'm in surgery?" question fizzled out quickly, but it's a different thing getting ready for a father-in-law than a mother-in-law. So it took me another day or two to get myself ready for that notion.
As far as my dad being sick, that is its own very weird situation. For all intents and purposes, my dad feels like a really healthy guy, no different from last week. But preliminary tests say he's got a rare cancer. At this point, if he feels sick it's going to be because of the chemo. There's one more round of tests this week and then my parents get to survey their options and choose their next steps.
A sustaining idea in this time has been what Brennan Manning calls the "present risenness" of Jesus. Present meaning both now and near and risenness meaning having defeated death and fully alive. So while I was feeling crushed by stress, I had this beckoning sense that Jesus was near and trying to push through the anxiety. I could see light creeping around the edges of the folds of darkness. This idea that the loving creator of the universe stands near me with such power that death was broken has been a lifeline of hope when the worst of myself cries out to be believed.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Things fall apart
Wednesday, I think it was, was a very hard day.
Got an email from my mom that my dad might be sick with a scary disease. More testing needed. Ok. I don't know if I even prayed about it.
We went about our morning. Took the kids to the park really early because it's been a triple digit week. Coming home, I was relaxing into the feeling that we were on course for my shoulder surgery next Thursday. I had had a lot of anxiety about whether my family would be ok without me and I was easing into the notion that Jesus was going to take care of us. I was ticking off a list of a few things I needed to arrange before my father-in-law arrived to help us with childcare immediately after the surgery. But I was really looking forward to his coming.
My kids and I did fun stuff together, and I fed us an early lunch.
At a few minutes past noon, my father-in-law called which was surprising in and of itself. But more surprising was that HE needed surgery and wouldn't be able to come next week. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
In a semi-panic, I starting thinking about who could come instead, what we could do instead. In the course of that thought I'd ask a couple of my aunts who are "retired" whether they could come. The first aunt I called is on my dad's side, so I mentioned he might be sick, but what I really wanted was for her to come help me out. She's a doc and whatever I said to her about what might be happening with my dad didn't make sense. So I just forwarded the email I got about it.
She called back. I hadn't understood the email. The more testing wasn't about whether my dad was sick with a scary disease, it was to pinpoint the extent of the disease. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
The rest of the day was a mess. A giant pile of stinking mess.
Got an email from my mom that my dad might be sick with a scary disease. More testing needed. Ok. I don't know if I even prayed about it.
We went about our morning. Took the kids to the park really early because it's been a triple digit week. Coming home, I was relaxing into the feeling that we were on course for my shoulder surgery next Thursday. I had had a lot of anxiety about whether my family would be ok without me and I was easing into the notion that Jesus was going to take care of us. I was ticking off a list of a few things I needed to arrange before my father-in-law arrived to help us with childcare immediately after the surgery. But I was really looking forward to his coming.
My kids and I did fun stuff together, and I fed us an early lunch.
At a few minutes past noon, my father-in-law called which was surprising in and of itself. But more surprising was that HE needed surgery and wouldn't be able to come next week. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
In a semi-panic, I starting thinking about who could come instead, what we could do instead. In the course of that thought I'd ask a couple of my aunts who are "retired" whether they could come. The first aunt I called is on my dad's side, so I mentioned he might be sick, but what I really wanted was for her to come help me out. She's a doc and whatever I said to her about what might be happening with my dad didn't make sense. So I just forwarded the email I got about it.
She called back. I hadn't understood the email. The more testing wasn't about whether my dad was sick with a scary disease, it was to pinpoint the extent of the disease. WHOA, WHOA, WHAT??!!
The rest of the day was a mess. A giant pile of stinking mess.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Vacation 2013
Well, we just wrapped up a week-long vacation visiting grandparents and assorted other relatives in the Pacific Northwest. It's the best trip we've had since having kids.
The best part for the adults was probably the sleep. We got 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights. That's a huge win.
For the kids, who are 2 and 4 now, we slept through the night because they slept through the night. Big change from our last trip when the little one was 7 months old. We used VRBO.com to find a mother-in-law apt which was furnished with a kids table and chairs. The kids loved that and having independent eaters was another nice feature of this trip. L's favorite thing to eat on the trip was probably the "doughboy" which was an 8 inch long donut in the shape of a gingerbread man. She finished it off on one sitting along with some lemon chiffon cheese cake.
I think we ate a month's worth of sugar and sweets in a week which was part of what made our vacation a vacation. Grandparents really enjoy ice cream, so the kids got a lot of that. Their house also has a fire pit, so s'mores were a great excuse for getting that going frequently. D practiced breaking up sticks just like Grandpa. It was really cute to watch.
We saw 3 sets of aunts & uncles from both sides of the family, a rare treat.
One fun thing about the trip is that the mother-in-law apt was in a basement which was pretty dark. We were really concerned about that long summer days up north, but staying in a darker basement meant not only did the kids go down to bed well, but that we could keep the whole family on Central time. We never time adjusted. With little kids, we hadn't scheduled evening activities anyways. They went to bed about 5-6 local time (7-8 home time) and we went to sleep about 7-8 local (9-10pm home time). Sure the kids got up early for local time, but there was a wonderful park nearby so we walked them over there and let them run out some wiggles if we didn't have anywhere to be.
Plane rides were meh. The kids were probably as good as it gets, but crazy tired kids with tired parents is a difficult combination any way you look at it. Schlepping 2 car seats on and off the plane is always it's own clown car show too. Maybe on our next trip, our oldest might weigh enough to just use a small booster seat. We'll see. That'd be cool.
Our last previous vacation was late 2011, more than 18 months ago. It was grueling with D only sleeping every other night. So it was really nice to have a different, better vacation this time.
The best part for the adults was probably the sleep. We got 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights. That's a huge win.
For the kids, who are 2 and 4 now, we slept through the night because they slept through the night. Big change from our last trip when the little one was 7 months old. We used VRBO.com to find a mother-in-law apt which was furnished with a kids table and chairs. The kids loved that and having independent eaters was another nice feature of this trip. L's favorite thing to eat on the trip was probably the "doughboy" which was an 8 inch long donut in the shape of a gingerbread man. She finished it off on one sitting along with some lemon chiffon cheese cake.
I think we ate a month's worth of sugar and sweets in a week which was part of what made our vacation a vacation. Grandparents really enjoy ice cream, so the kids got a lot of that. Their house also has a fire pit, so s'mores were a great excuse for getting that going frequently. D practiced breaking up sticks just like Grandpa. It was really cute to watch.
We saw 3 sets of aunts & uncles from both sides of the family, a rare treat.
One fun thing about the trip is that the mother-in-law apt was in a basement which was pretty dark. We were really concerned about that long summer days up north, but staying in a darker basement meant not only did the kids go down to bed well, but that we could keep the whole family on Central time. We never time adjusted. With little kids, we hadn't scheduled evening activities anyways. They went to bed about 5-6 local time (7-8 home time) and we went to sleep about 7-8 local (9-10pm home time). Sure the kids got up early for local time, but there was a wonderful park nearby so we walked them over there and let them run out some wiggles if we didn't have anywhere to be.
Plane rides were meh. The kids were probably as good as it gets, but crazy tired kids with tired parents is a difficult combination any way you look at it. Schlepping 2 car seats on and off the plane is always it's own clown car show too. Maybe on our next trip, our oldest might weigh enough to just use a small booster seat. We'll see. That'd be cool.
Our last previous vacation was late 2011, more than 18 months ago. It was grueling with D only sleeping every other night. So it was really nice to have a different, better vacation this time.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
No regrets, you have been worth it
Dear Children,
I have been fairly public about this process of transitioning into motherhood. It's taken me a lot longer in my head to become a mother than it took for me to biologically become one. A big part of the process has been grieving the loss of my previous life and a change in my perspective and understanding of how my time should be spent. I think it's been important to document this journey because 1) there's this belief out there that becoming a mom is this easy, breezy, feel-good thing for everyone, and 2) there are two camps of thought on women and working. Some think work and children coexist well, and some thing work and children cannot coexist. Whichever way it is, there's an emotional cost that must be paid. These are the things I'm trying to document.
I worry, however, that you may believe that I regret your existence. Don't do that; you would be believing a lie. You won't remember these early years together, but let me tell you that I have not covered myself in glory. I have been selfish; I have been removed; I have been uninterested. But slowly, slowly, slowly, by the loving grace of God, with every nursing, every hug, every diaper, every song and every giggle, I am becoming less selfish, more connected, more attentive. You are already an irreplaceable part of my life.
I have deeply grieved the loss of opportunity to pursue a tenure-track professorship. You may be tempted to think that I would have rather taken that path. Even though I grieve that loss, I count it a privilege to be with you made possible because your father can support us on his own. It is precisely because you are so precious that I willingly give up something that I value dearly.
I have no regrets about these past two and a half years with you, L and half a year with you, DW. You each have been supremely worth it.
I love you both,
Mom
I have been fairly public about this process of transitioning into motherhood. It's taken me a lot longer in my head to become a mother than it took for me to biologically become one. A big part of the process has been grieving the loss of my previous life and a change in my perspective and understanding of how my time should be spent. I think it's been important to document this journey because 1) there's this belief out there that becoming a mom is this easy, breezy, feel-good thing for everyone, and 2) there are two camps of thought on women and working. Some think work and children coexist well, and some thing work and children cannot coexist. Whichever way it is, there's an emotional cost that must be paid. These are the things I'm trying to document.
I worry, however, that you may believe that I regret your existence. Don't do that; you would be believing a lie. You won't remember these early years together, but let me tell you that I have not covered myself in glory. I have been selfish; I have been removed; I have been uninterested. But slowly, slowly, slowly, by the loving grace of God, with every nursing, every hug, every diaper, every song and every giggle, I am becoming less selfish, more connected, more attentive. You are already an irreplaceable part of my life.
I have deeply grieved the loss of opportunity to pursue a tenure-track professorship. You may be tempted to think that I would have rather taken that path. Even though I grieve that loss, I count it a privilege to be with you made possible because your father can support us on his own. It is precisely because you are so precious that I willingly give up something that I value dearly.
I have no regrets about these past two and a half years with you, L and half a year with you, DW. You each have been supremely worth it.
I love you both,
Mom
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Fact Family, Faith Family
Yesterday, I asked in passing what the unit for capacitance was fully expecting my husband would know. He did; it's the farad.
We are a fact-y kind of family. We like numbers, trivia, and random details that tend to fall in the nerd/geek realm. This is the environment our children are being raised in. Whether they pick up on this themselves in unpredictable, but they will know that some people, their parents specifically, play with these sort of ideas and trivia. I guess in other families it might be baseball or music which have the advantage of being more mainstream.
We're fact-y, but are we faith-y? Do I have equal confidence that our children will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their parents love and trust God? We don't tell them we're nerds; we just are. Do we need to tell them we follow Jesus, or is that also simply part of who we are?
In case it isn't obvious, I'm in a phase where I'm thinking and reading and praying about what it means to "parent toward the cross". Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (The good news according to Luke, chpt 9). This saying is hard and fights against my sense of self-importance, but I have found following Jesus to be deeply life giving.
I want our children to not just enjoy facts about the world or even facts about the Bible. I want them to experience living water that comes from Jesus through his death and resurrection through taking up their own crosses and following Him. What will they learn from how we live?
We are a fact-y kind of family. We like numbers, trivia, and random details that tend to fall in the nerd/geek realm. This is the environment our children are being raised in. Whether they pick up on this themselves in unpredictable, but they will know that some people, their parents specifically, play with these sort of ideas and trivia. I guess in other families it might be baseball or music which have the advantage of being more mainstream.
We're fact-y, but are we faith-y? Do I have equal confidence that our children will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their parents love and trust God? We don't tell them we're nerds; we just are. Do we need to tell them we follow Jesus, or is that also simply part of who we are?
In case it isn't obvious, I'm in a phase where I'm thinking and reading and praying about what it means to "parent toward the cross". Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (The good news according to Luke, chpt 9). This saying is hard and fights against my sense of self-importance, but I have found following Jesus to be deeply life giving.
I want our children to not just enjoy facts about the world or even facts about the Bible. I want them to experience living water that comes from Jesus through his death and resurrection through taking up their own crosses and following Him. What will they learn from how we live?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Reflections on existential angst
I am dealing with a bout of existential angst. Basically, I'm realizing that whether we try to have a third kid is a big deal to me in a who-am-I way. Part of it is that I still have dreams of becoming a professor and there's a study out that found very few women with 3 kids in academia. And trust me, I get it. If we have a third kid, I am probably harming my potential to get a tenure track job in a big way. (Arguably, being geographically inflexible is equally or more harmful.)
So I've been pondering what is the big deal about getting a job, particularly since my husband provides handsomely for our family?
In no particular order:
1) What I do is fun for me. I like both teaching and research. I whine and moan about aspects of both, but at the end of the day I enjoy them. Part of the fun has been the people. I have worked with fantastic people and on fun projects.
2) I have been heavily invested in. I've been given a lot of money and time by various institutions and people who think I have a particular ability to contribute to society in this way. While they invested with no strings attached--I don't contractually owe anyone anything, I feel a responsibility to this investment similar to the parable of the talents.
3) I like "unlocking achievements". I'm told in video games that when you do enough of X, you "unlock an achievement". Seems like a fancy system of getting enough stickers to turn in for a bigger prize. Whether it's training from being a student most of my life or my bent, I like getting feedback that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm doing well. I've unlocked quite a number of achievements so far, but I have a few big ones left undone like getting a job, publishing in journals, and getting tenure. A teaching award would be icing on the cake.
Let us contrast this with being a stay at home mom.
1) I don't like a lot of things that go with motherhood. These include things like being physically miserable, dealing with someone else's body fluids, and a host of things that fall under "not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it."
2) I have very little idea what I'm doing. Where professionally, I had an advisor who showed me the way and colleagues to work with, I feel fairly alone in this motherhood thing. Not completely, but I certainly don't feel as engaged as I was professionally.
3) There are no mommy merit badges. I want my merit badge for changing 2500 diapers, for taking all the night shifts, for nursing through mastitis, for not screaming or crying when I actually feel bonkers inside. As far as I can tell, there aren't real mom metrics. Your kid is alive still, clothed, and unabused. You're a mom. Yay.
With a comparison like this, it's easy to feel all sorts of negative things. Yet I as I review these sentiments, I am struck by how I have a special opportunity to live by faith and continue to be formed in Christ. I have been reflecting on how a theme in the story of Jesus is that he served individuals and humanity. The king of the universe became a servant. If I say, "I'm on his team," and I do, then my life should look like that too. While part of me resents the unheralded service my life has been "reduced to," I also recognize that the is an opportunity to live in the grace I've been given. And while part of me worries that my career is slipping away from me, I have the opportunity to trust that God is actively interested in my particular life and will take care of me. To top it all off, I have the opportunity to learn all this with a great family. My husband is a great husband and father and my kids are people I'm enjoying getting to know. While my angst is what it is, I have to acknowledge that I am living in grace abounding.
So I've been pondering what is the big deal about getting a job, particularly since my husband provides handsomely for our family?
In no particular order:
1) What I do is fun for me. I like both teaching and research. I whine and moan about aspects of both, but at the end of the day I enjoy them. Part of the fun has been the people. I have worked with fantastic people and on fun projects.
2) I have been heavily invested in. I've been given a lot of money and time by various institutions and people who think I have a particular ability to contribute to society in this way. While they invested with no strings attached--I don't contractually owe anyone anything, I feel a responsibility to this investment similar to the parable of the talents.
3) I like "unlocking achievements". I'm told in video games that when you do enough of X, you "unlock an achievement". Seems like a fancy system of getting enough stickers to turn in for a bigger prize. Whether it's training from being a student most of my life or my bent, I like getting feedback that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm doing well. I've unlocked quite a number of achievements so far, but I have a few big ones left undone like getting a job, publishing in journals, and getting tenure. A teaching award would be icing on the cake.
Let us contrast this with being a stay at home mom.
1) I don't like a lot of things that go with motherhood. These include things like being physically miserable, dealing with someone else's body fluids, and a host of things that fall under "not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it."
2) I have very little idea what I'm doing. Where professionally, I had an advisor who showed me the way and colleagues to work with, I feel fairly alone in this motherhood thing. Not completely, but I certainly don't feel as engaged as I was professionally.
3) There are no mommy merit badges. I want my merit badge for changing 2500 diapers, for taking all the night shifts, for nursing through mastitis, for not screaming or crying when I actually feel bonkers inside. As far as I can tell, there aren't real mom metrics. Your kid is alive still, clothed, and unabused. You're a mom. Yay.
With a comparison like this, it's easy to feel all sorts of negative things. Yet I as I review these sentiments, I am struck by how I have a special opportunity to live by faith and continue to be formed in Christ. I have been reflecting on how a theme in the story of Jesus is that he served individuals and humanity. The king of the universe became a servant. If I say, "I'm on his team," and I do, then my life should look like that too. While part of me resents the unheralded service my life has been "reduced to," I also recognize that the is an opportunity to live in the grace I've been given. And while part of me worries that my career is slipping away from me, I have the opportunity to trust that God is actively interested in my particular life and will take care of me. To top it all off, I have the opportunity to learn all this with a great family. My husband is a great husband and father and my kids are people I'm enjoying getting to know. While my angst is what it is, I have to acknowledge that I am living in grace abounding.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A moment of public grieving
NB: The following is not a complaint. I'm not asking for accommodation nor am I wishing for a different life.
While my day to day life in the past 18 months has been decidedly domestic, I am a linguist* by training. Today, I received an announcement for a conference workshop that is right up my alley. I have work I'd love to present there and get feedback on. I'd probably even be interested in the other presentations offered. Exciting stuff on the order of magnitude of being a U2 fan and getting a backstage pass--VERY EXCITING.
SO NOT GOING. The conference is in Australia. I don't think we budgeted for Australia this year. Then, it's in December of this year. As in, one month after a requisite family flight to my cousin's wedding. As in, I'll have a still-nursing, 8-month-old son.
What a bummer. I love my cousin; I love my children; my husband makes good money. I'm still sad that I can't even think of participating in this.
Ok. That's off my chest. Back to playing with the kids.
--
*Linguists are not necessarily grammar, spelling, and punctuation freaks--at least I'm not.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Happy Easter!!
Our family is having our second child in the next bit, so I'll be on bloggy hiatus. I didn't, however, want to miss the opportunity to wish people a HAPPY EASTER!! He is risen!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Love, Actually
On this Valentine's weekend, I want to discuss why I find myself mostly watching action flicks. Well, first, my husband has a big DVD collection from his single days. Going through our pre-paid entertainment collection means that we watch guy-oriented, action-flicks a fair amount. This was initally annoying. However, the more I'm married the more I find that watching the alternative and what I used to watch, chick-flicks, doesn't do anything for me. Now that I'm in a real live, flesh-and-blood relationship, I can hardly stand to watch what passes for one on screen. At its best, an on-screen relationship is like eating cotton candy; a sweet carnival treat that isn't filling. But really, most of the time, I think to myself, "But you guys actually suck as people and have no idea how to survive as a couple long term."
I've been thinking about love lately because I am recognizing how UNloving part of me is. That's the part that feels, "I want what I want and that's what I should get." But I'm also observing that I'm getting Holy Spirit nudges, more like sharp elbows, to consider, "What is best for him/her?" And as I work out what is best for another person and move in that direction, I find that it comes at a cost to me. But I'm paying that cost and I can pay that cost because Jesus paid the ultimate price for me.
My objection to fantasy, Hollywood relationships is that it sells love as a feeling. So I feel cheated when love has me awake early taking care of my child while my husband sleeps in. But when I look to Jesus, what I see is someone who claimed to love people and demonstrated it by dying in their place so they could be rescued from eternal death. When I look away from Hollywood toward Jesus, love is hardly a feeling. It is sacrificial action for the good of another. In that context, it becomes important to me that my husband gets the sleep he needs and I can gladly (most of the time) take kid duty.
I have seen long-term marriages that seem to thrive while neither party are believers. That's amazing to me and maybe I don't know the ins and outs of those relationships. But in my marriage, my parent-child relationships, my sibling relationships, my friend to friend relationships, the model of Jesus's sacrificial love and the promise that God will help me actually love others--that's what makes love possible in my life. Maybe I'm a particularly crappy person, but being honest here, without that, I'm a pretty selfish person who couldn't give a rip about how anyone else is doing.
Sacrificial action on behalf of another modeled after Jesus's life; that's love, actually.
I've been thinking about love lately because I am recognizing how UNloving part of me is. That's the part that feels, "I want what I want and that's what I should get." But I'm also observing that I'm getting Holy Spirit nudges, more like sharp elbows, to consider, "What is best for him/her?" And as I work out what is best for another person and move in that direction, I find that it comes at a cost to me. But I'm paying that cost and I can pay that cost because Jesus paid the ultimate price for me.
My objection to fantasy, Hollywood relationships is that it sells love as a feeling. So I feel cheated when love has me awake early taking care of my child while my husband sleeps in. But when I look to Jesus, what I see is someone who claimed to love people and demonstrated it by dying in their place so they could be rescued from eternal death. When I look away from Hollywood toward Jesus, love is hardly a feeling. It is sacrificial action for the good of another. In that context, it becomes important to me that my husband gets the sleep he needs and I can gladly (most of the time) take kid duty.
I have seen long-term marriages that seem to thrive while neither party are believers. That's amazing to me and maybe I don't know the ins and outs of those relationships. But in my marriage, my parent-child relationships, my sibling relationships, my friend to friend relationships, the model of Jesus's sacrificial love and the promise that God will help me actually love others--that's what makes love possible in my life. Maybe I'm a particularly crappy person, but being honest here, without that, I'm a pretty selfish person who couldn't give a rip about how anyone else is doing.
Sacrificial action on behalf of another modeled after Jesus's life; that's love, actually.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Marginal living
My mother-in-law is in town and we spent Mon-Thurs carting around town going to doctors' appointments with Lil L in tow. She said she felt bad that she was taking up so much of my time with these appointments. But in truth, for me, the reason why I set aside my career is so that I would have that kind of time. Obviously, when we made the choice, we didn't specifically anticipate that she would be ill and need this kind of medical care and chose to come stay with us while receiving such care.
In our pre-baby days, N and I worked 50+ hr wks while actively serving in the church and for us, we found it was hard to simply be married. We had to work for mere relational maintenance much less relational thriving. I don't know what people see when they see us, but we are not high capacity people. We don't have endless reserves to this, that, and the other. We say no to things for the sake of our own health.
So we did not have tortured discussions about what to do about the crazy life. Given that he earned enough to support us both, it seemed obvious that we should choose a different life when the opportunity presented itself. In 2009, N got two job offers: one for a lucrative start-up in the traditional video game industry and another in an offshoot branch of the game industry that offered better hours. We took the better hours which turned out to be more interesting work and the other company has since downsized. Also in 2009, I finished my degree. Instead of starting a national job search of a tenure-track professorship, I stayed at home with Lil L and did some side gigs.
What we were wanting were margins, unfilled space in life. In our culture of busyness, I think it's easy for Christ followers to believe that a crammed schedule is a spiritual life -- and extra spiritual if a lot of the cramming is from obviously spiritual activity. Instead, we believe that letting go of the crammed schedule, having margins, allows us to experience unique moments of grace. We have time for people in all those unplanned ways; sidewalk conversations with neighbors, extra minutes staring at produce in the grocery store with Lil L, sitting in doctor's offices with my mother-in-law.
This is not to give some bucolic impression of a suburban pastoral (if that's possible). I don't know my mother-in-law well, and we have not been instant buddies. The past week has been a time of intense reflection for me; I have been faced with anger, frustration, and total exhaustion. At the same time, I have learned from my mother-in-law, learned about her, and learned about God's heart for both her and me.
This is also not to say that having one spouse not work for pay is the only way to have margins. As I said, we are not high capacity people; N works in a well-paying field; and I work in a field that tends to be all or nothing. There's not a lot of part-time opportunities.
What I am encouraging is a little more open space in our schedules, a little more marginal living, and a few more unexpected encounters.
For more thoughts on living with margins I recommend (these are not affiliate links):
Margins: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson
--A book directly on this subject
Busier than Ever: Why American Families Can't Slow Down by Darrah, Freeman, and English-Leuck
--An anthropological look at dual-income families in Silicon Valley
In our pre-baby days, N and I worked 50+ hr wks while actively serving in the church and for us, we found it was hard to simply be married. We had to work for mere relational maintenance much less relational thriving. I don't know what people see when they see us, but we are not high capacity people. We don't have endless reserves to this, that, and the other. We say no to things for the sake of our own health.
So we did not have tortured discussions about what to do about the crazy life. Given that he earned enough to support us both, it seemed obvious that we should choose a different life when the opportunity presented itself. In 2009, N got two job offers: one for a lucrative start-up in the traditional video game industry and another in an offshoot branch of the game industry that offered better hours. We took the better hours which turned out to be more interesting work and the other company has since downsized. Also in 2009, I finished my degree. Instead of starting a national job search of a tenure-track professorship, I stayed at home with Lil L and did some side gigs.
What we were wanting were margins, unfilled space in life. In our culture of busyness, I think it's easy for Christ followers to believe that a crammed schedule is a spiritual life -- and extra spiritual if a lot of the cramming is from obviously spiritual activity. Instead, we believe that letting go of the crammed schedule, having margins, allows us to experience unique moments of grace. We have time for people in all those unplanned ways; sidewalk conversations with neighbors, extra minutes staring at produce in the grocery store with Lil L, sitting in doctor's offices with my mother-in-law.
This is not to give some bucolic impression of a suburban pastoral (if that's possible). I don't know my mother-in-law well, and we have not been instant buddies. The past week has been a time of intense reflection for me; I have been faced with anger, frustration, and total exhaustion. At the same time, I have learned from my mother-in-law, learned about her, and learned about God's heart for both her and me.
This is also not to say that having one spouse not work for pay is the only way to have margins. As I said, we are not high capacity people; N works in a well-paying field; and I work in a field that tends to be all or nothing. There's not a lot of part-time opportunities.
What I am encouraging is a little more open space in our schedules, a little more marginal living, and a few more unexpected encounters.
For more thoughts on living with margins I recommend (these are not affiliate links):
Margins: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson
--A book directly on this subject
Busier than Ever: Why American Families Can't Slow Down by Darrah, Freeman, and English-Leuck
--An anthropological look at dual-income families in Silicon Valley
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