Happy Easter!!

Our family is having our second child in the next bit, so I'll be on bloggy hiatus. I didn't, however, want to miss the opportunity to wish people a HAPPY EASTER!! He is risen!!

I am one of the dead

The past couple months have been a rough time. Not only have I felt stretched physically, particularly as I've been smacked with 3rd trimester fatigue, but emotionally, I've felt barely able to hang on. In this frame of mind, I encountered the Apostle Paul talking about his rough time in his second letter to believers in Corinth:

...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers.
~Chpt 1

As I've been meditating on these verses, I feel my faith is being pivotally changed under the gentlest care of a loving God.

During this rough time, it has become crucially apparent that I am powerless to solve the problems in and around my life. I am one of the dead. The natural processes in me are corruption and decay. Even if I wanted to I could not grit my teeth and make stuff happen; be holier, love better, trust God more. But in Christ, I experience life. I am one of the dead who is being raised to life by God. My part is to submit to that reality--I think that's what hope is--and there I find that I am indeed delivered, I am being delivered, and look forward to continued deliverance.

I think this experience is another reason why 2011 needs to more about "doing less". The cultural influences around me--my profession, the productivity/finance blogs I read, my church community--place a high value on getting things measurably done. I think there's an appropriate place for action and tangible accomplishment, but in this season, I think a mindset of "doing less" will allow me to better see and experience how "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." If you're a praying person, I would appreciate your prayers during this time.

Motherhood: The never ending New Year's resolution

I don't know why anyone else might have a kid; I imagine there are many reasons possible, but I had a kid because it was a "good idea" or more to the point, I believed it to be part and parcel of "being married" which I was at the time and still am. This feels remarkably like the reasoning behind many New Year's resolutions; losing weight, exercising more, procrastinating less, drinking 8 glasses of water a day. All these are "good ideas", and only a contrarian would dispute that these resolutions genearlly fall under "being a better person".

New Year's resolutions in December are shiny and full of possibility as one looks forward to the payoffs of new habits and behaviors. In February, however, they have generally been discarded as the stresses of life squeeze out exercise and make mindless time wasting and mass quantities of bacon ever more appealing.

While the whale-like state of 38+ weeks of pregnancy and any weeks of nausea and vomiting are admittedly uncomfortable, any fetal cries for help are well hidden and frankly impossible for anyone to do much about. The newborn infant is but a soft idea of cuddly cuteness. About 4-6 weeks after the wriggling mass arrives, this idea is well buried beneath chronic sleep deprivation as the new mother struggles to hold on to the last vestiges of her sanity. Unfortunately for her, there is no socially approved wink for giving up on her child, but luckily about this time her baby will likely learn to smile and her breasts will decide that maybe they don't need to explode off her chest. This improves things quite a bit.

I was talking with some friends about how fear is frequently more motivating than grace and trying to figure out why this was. The more I think about this the more I think about how we--as in all people but particularly, Christians--behave as if we constantly need to justify ourselves. I don't really mean this in the theological justification sense, but partly. We're constantly trying to prove that we're ok with our bosses, with our co-workers, with our friends, with our spouses, and so on. We fear missing a deadline because of various social and financial consequences. And deep down we believe that if we only do X, Y, and Z, we'll solve the rubix cube and our lives will be ordered and ok.

Motherhood has been the New Year's resolution that I'm not allowed to give up. No matter how tired, grouchy, and entitled I feel, I'm going to change a lot of diapers and I'm going to feed and hug my baby (who's really on the cusp of being a toddler, but I'm not ready for that). And in these most tired, most grouchy, most selfish moments I am faced with my failings that are unjustified and unjustifiable. Am I really mad because my kid didn't poo in her potty? Seriously? Yes, seriously, I am mad. Wow. How revealing.

I have not always been an awesome wife, but it's not that hard to rationalize and hide behind something the husband has done or not done. But being a mother, I've lost a lot to hide behind. Who or what can I blame for being impatient or angry or unkind to my child? Nothing rational. And I see ever more vividly my need for grace. When grace isn't motivating enough for us, I think it's because we don't know what grace is to us. Grace is why I haven't been zapped off the face of the earth for my impatience, anger, and unkindness. Grace is what justifies me and my life and allows me to stop doing mental contortions to justify not being a star academic blazing trails for future generations of women in academia. Grace is what will make being a mother possible, endurable, and vibrant.

Rhythms of Abiding

Lenten musing 8

In all the pre-natal literature that has passed before me, there have been two pieces that have helped the most. The first was a cartoon in a book that said "Labor is work; it hurts; you can do it." The second was an illustration of contractions as a wave.

I'm a few days past due and everyone is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Mini. My body has taken this time to slowly prepare for labor by having occasional but increasingly strong contractions. This is no big deal when I'm awake but is kind of disruptive when I'm sleeping because I'm awakened and there's nothing else to focus on. I think about the wave and count out 6 slow breaths; two to go up the wave, two for the top, and two coming down and by then the contraction is basically over and I try to go back to sleep.

I was chatting with a friend about being in new or "liminal" spaces, on the cusp of something and the discomfort of being there. For her, it's a new dating relationship. For me, it isn't new parenthood which is still rather abstract, but upcoming professional changes for my husband and I. Everything feels like a struggle because of the uncertainty ahead. We want to act, but there isn't anything to do.

In times like these, I think we are called to the rhythms of abiding which are wave-like. With our eyes, all we see is an uphill path obscured. But when we abide in Christ, we can focus on where we are today and take today's steps leaving tomorrow's steps for tomorrow. As we do this, we are strengthened for each day and find that we have been carried through the uncertainty.

On the upward side of a wave, it seems that there is only up. But as we experience the rhythms of abiding, we learn that God is faithful and we are not left to live in tension indefinitely. Is it difficult, requiring faith to abide on the uphill side? Absolutely. Labor is work; it hurts. But God supports us over the top and takes us to his appointed place. You can do it.

A little perspective

Lenten musing 4

Yesterday, my cousin asked, "Aren't you due soon?" and I wrote back, "I'm due 3/26 which is VERY soon relative to last summer or even Thanksgiving. NOT SOON ENOUGH relative to how big I feel the baby has gotten vs. how much space I think is left in there. And TOO SOON relative to how much work I want to do before the baby comes." So I'm a little conflicted.

This morning, I didn't sleep well from 5AM on wondering if I should get up and get to getting to work. Finally, at 7 I dragged my harrassed self out of bed.

I'm reading the Book of Common Prayer Daily Office Lectionary through my feedreader and this was verse 1:

Psalm 50:1 The Mighty One, God the LORD,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines forth.

Wow!

I love the expression of beauty and expansiveness, the sense of strength and reliability, the realization that my worries are small things in light of this kind of majesty.

A little perspective on an anxious morning. A little thankfulness to direct me out of my self-pity.

The service of celebration

Lenten musing 3

I'm pregnant. This is not a "Hey everyone, here's the good news, I'm pregnant!" This is a "Mission control, we are ready for landing." ...or "take off." I'm not sure how to characterize this. Regardless, during this Lenten season our first child will come. As my body prepares for this child's coming, I am in need of more and more service myself. Things that I used to blithely do independently--from the stereotypical getting out of a chair to a more idiosyncratic making appointments--are now things that I turn to others to help me with.

Today's passage in the Lenten reader I'm going through is Luke 22:24-30

²⁴Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. ²⁵Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. ²⁶But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. ²⁷For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves. ²⁸You are those who have stood by me in my trials. ²⁹And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, ³⁰so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

Reflecting on this passage, I am reminded that in this life, following Jesus is submitting myself to one who serves. But reflecting on my life recently, what stands out is how much I am in need of service. So I asked myself, "Andrea, how are you serving the people around you?"

Here's the list I came up with:

1. I am learning to be jealous about time and activity for my husband's sake. Translation: I say no to stuff I would probably otherwise say yes to. This helps him be himself and to accomplish what he wants to get done before the kid comes.
2. I am cultivating friendships with single women. This isn't a gee-you're-so-awesome-to-do-this thing. I enjoy these women regardless of their marital status, but I'm not unaware of the tendency for married women to fall into a giant abyss of I-only-know-married-people. There are a few women that I make sure I make time for.
3. I am allowing people to celebrate this time with us. My husband and I are not gushy, ecstatic people. (Although, you might catch me in a moment after a particularly good Duke Men's Basketball win.) We have to remind ourselves to allow our community to celebrate with us. Case in point, when I asked my husband (then fiance) how many people we should invite to our wedding, I think he said 18. I told him I had more immediate relatives than that. We have hermit-y tendencies, but we are learning the goodness of allowing people into our lives and space.

I think the service of celebration isn't service just because it isn't my first inclination. Celebration can bring with it elements of the gospel. Being together and enjoying one another points toward the ultimate calling together of God's people before his throne. Celebrating a wedding points toward the bridegroom Jesus and his church. Celebrating a child to come points toward the expectation of Jesus' return and points toward our process of being "born from above" as new creatures, citizens of God's kingdom.

For many people, these are glum times. Many of us know people who have been laid off, are ourselves are laid off, or are worried about being laid off. When we celebrate what is true and beautiful, we are reminded of God's goodness whether we can articulate that or not. In the small and big ways we allow people to join in celebration, we enlarge the reach of God's kingdom. And that is a good thing.