Little habits

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, all!

I haven't been writing here because one of my new habits has been doing some daily personal writing and that kind of wipes out my writing tank.

A couple big changes are in store for 2014. Last year, I really took a hiatus from something that had become routine in my life. Two big things were 1) leading a women's Bible study and 2) writing a paper with my old research group. I've picked both of those back up for this upcoming year and that in order to accomplish those I've had to re-order a few things.

First, for the past 17 days, when I wake up I write 750 words. It takes about 15-20 minutes to do during which my kids are usually downstairs playing with or screaming at each other. I write about anything I want. For the first week, I used 750words.com, but I realized I could do the same thing using WriteMonkey which is a program I usually use to write papers with.

 In the past, writing has been a slow process for me and I've tended to turn things in late. Right now, my goal is to have a draft together by March. That is exceedingly fast turn around for me (because I am slow), so I thought this little habit would at the least prime the pump for writing for real. I usually do a bit of stream of conscious about stuff that happened the previous day, maybe some thinking about stuff I need to do that day, and if I've read some research articles, I summarize what I thought were the important findings and my thoughts on the issues raised. I've found the little habit useful so far, but the jury is still out on whether it will help me write this research paper.

Second, I cancelled my gym membership. Last year was my first year of gym membership, and it was great but devoting 90 minute blocks of time to travel to the gym and workout is a luxury. In order to take back on writing and leading, I gave up long gym sessions. Instead of 90 minutes 2-3 times a week, I aim for 15 min of weightlifting in the garage 5 days a week and two sessions of of loaded carries (take a heavy weight and walk around with it.) 15 minutes a day is very doable. I do it during the kids' quiet times. Even if the kids aren't being quiet, we all can live with me being unavailable for 15 minutes. There is, of course, a limited amount of work that I get done in 15 minutes, but for now, it's a compromise I can live with. And notice, there's no cardio. That's bliss.

The first two habits are well on their way to being established. The third is something that I've been a lot more hit or miss on. I'm trying to read two research articles a day. I was doing well for a week and then I kind of fell off the horse. It is a very productive speed to read at.

Do less

We started the new year with N, my husband, fuming about how December went and complaining that we needed to do less. Or that's how I read it. December really wasn't all that bad. My brother visited for 2 days; we had N's company party to attend, and a cousin of mine came for a week from Christmas eve to New Year's eve. Socially, December wasn't much of anything. Granted the first two weeks I spent running my feet off taking care of our toddler and my post-operative mother-in-law. And then there was the impromptu pizza party at a neighbor's house on a Friday evening. We kind of let Christmas sneak up on us gift-wise, so there was a lot of last-minute head scratching, Amazon buying, and post-officing. And there was that baking stuff for the neighbors. So maybe December was a bit fuller than I thought. And to drive the message home January started off with a bang and not of the good variety. So at this point, I'm a believer. I am on N's side; 2011's theme so far is "Do less."

So far we've said no to all the birthday parties we've been invited to. I've promised N that I will tell anyone who wants to fly in to visit us to postpone their trip. We have a number of visitors already in the books. L's godmother in February, my family in May, my in-laws in the winter. Our second child arrives, as a hopefully permanent family fixture, in April. So we've got a number of good reasons to give people for visiting another time.

Our church is having a women's retreat in early Feb and a larger, longer family retreat in early April--yes, right before the baby is due. We're planning on prioritizing those which means we'll probably try to keep the remaining weekends pretty clear of "events".

Three weeks into this new year of "doing less", I'm observing first, that our ordinary life actually takes a fair amount of work and has a lot of moving parts. There's simply quite a bit to do even without "adding stuff". I put that in quotes because I realize for some people with different personalities than ours the "added stuff" is ordinary life. Spontaneous is good!! We're routine type people and events really knock us back. The second observation I have is that I'm still seeing God insert key relationships in our lives.

We keep a white board as an attempt to organize our life. On it I put a drawing of our block and the names of the people we've met and are praying for. There's been a family katy-corner from us that I sort of met months ago but haven't been able to get to know. Just this week, I've gotten to chat with the mom twice. Her sons are 3 and 5. We've been able to connect over having kids and talked about what having 2 kids is like. She has a research background and works at the university, so we've connected there. These times have been just what I've wanted and have been beautifully woven into our ordinary life. They haven't felt like an event or a doing, just crossing the street to let our kids play together or crossing the street to chat neighbors with neighbors. If "doing less" means more of that, count me in.

Motherhood: The never ending New Year's resolution

I don't know why anyone else might have a kid; I imagine there are many reasons possible, but I had a kid because it was a "good idea" or more to the point, I believed it to be part and parcel of "being married" which I was at the time and still am. This feels remarkably like the reasoning behind many New Year's resolutions; losing weight, exercising more, procrastinating less, drinking 8 glasses of water a day. All these are "good ideas", and only a contrarian would dispute that these resolutions genearlly fall under "being a better person".

New Year's resolutions in December are shiny and full of possibility as one looks forward to the payoffs of new habits and behaviors. In February, however, they have generally been discarded as the stresses of life squeeze out exercise and make mindless time wasting and mass quantities of bacon ever more appealing.

While the whale-like state of 38+ weeks of pregnancy and any weeks of nausea and vomiting are admittedly uncomfortable, any fetal cries for help are well hidden and frankly impossible for anyone to do much about. The newborn infant is but a soft idea of cuddly cuteness. About 4-6 weeks after the wriggling mass arrives, this idea is well buried beneath chronic sleep deprivation as the new mother struggles to hold on to the last vestiges of her sanity. Unfortunately for her, there is no socially approved wink for giving up on her child, but luckily about this time her baby will likely learn to smile and her breasts will decide that maybe they don't need to explode off her chest. This improves things quite a bit.

I was talking with some friends about how fear is frequently more motivating than grace and trying to figure out why this was. The more I think about this the more I think about how we--as in all people but particularly, Christians--behave as if we constantly need to justify ourselves. I don't really mean this in the theological justification sense, but partly. We're constantly trying to prove that we're ok with our bosses, with our co-workers, with our friends, with our spouses, and so on. We fear missing a deadline because of various social and financial consequences. And deep down we believe that if we only do X, Y, and Z, we'll solve the rubix cube and our lives will be ordered and ok.

Motherhood has been the New Year's resolution that I'm not allowed to give up. No matter how tired, grouchy, and entitled I feel, I'm going to change a lot of diapers and I'm going to feed and hug my baby (who's really on the cusp of being a toddler, but I'm not ready for that). And in these most tired, most grouchy, most selfish moments I am faced with my failings that are unjustified and unjustifiable. Am I really mad because my kid didn't poo in her potty? Seriously? Yes, seriously, I am mad. Wow. How revealing.

I have not always been an awesome wife, but it's not that hard to rationalize and hide behind something the husband has done or not done. But being a mother, I've lost a lot to hide behind. Who or what can I blame for being impatient or angry or unkind to my child? Nothing rational. And I see ever more vividly my need for grace. When grace isn't motivating enough for us, I think it's because we don't know what grace is to us. Grace is why I haven't been zapped off the face of the earth for my impatience, anger, and unkindness. Grace is what justifies me and my life and allows me to stop doing mental contortions to justify not being a star academic blazing trails for future generations of women in academia. Grace is what will make being a mother possible, endurable, and vibrant.