Choosing compassion: Suffering with others

Reynoso ("Formed through suffering" in The Kingdom Life) repeatedly talks about how while suffering can be redeemed by God, it is not something we ask for, except for in one instance: we are called to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2).

Now this seems like a choice; I could choose not to enter into another person's suffering, I could look away. But in I Corinthians 12, Paul writes about the community of believers being the many parts of one body. And "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it...(vs 26)." Looking away doesn't mean I escape the effects.

And Jesus did not look away. Mark 6:34 says, "When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things." He arrived, he saw, he had compassion. The Latin roots of the word compassion mean to suffer with or to suffer together.

Here are some thoughts on having Jesus' compassion:

Presence
Jesus sees the crowd, he is moved by them, and then he walks among them.

Just as knowing that God is near us and not indifferent to us is a consolation to us in our times of suffering, we need to choose to enter the suffering of others with our presence. I think we shirk this role because it seems like not doing anything. It's just being around. It's being around without a chore to complete, without the right words to say, without anything but being there. It'll probably be awkward, but that's ok.

Provision
While he is with the crowd, Jesus teaches them. That's what his compassion moves him to. With our limited abilities, I think we have a limited capacity to provide tangible help in suffering, but we still can try and should respond to opportunities to do so. In fact Paul's encouragement is to "...not become weary in doing good...as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers (Galatians 6:9-10)."

When we are able to push back against the suffering of others, we are participating with God in bringing goodness to the world and extending the reign and rule of God's kingdom.

Sometimes this means a material response, food, shelter, clothing, etc. Sometimes this means using our influence or knowledge. Middle-class Americans have tremendously more influence and knowledge and most people across the globe. Sometimes it's an act of service, picking up medication, volunteering childcare, fixing a broken toilet.

Prayer
Jesus got so into teaching the crowd that they were together through several meal times and in the middle of nowhere (Mark 6:35). They had a spiritual need, and now the crowd had a physical need, they were hungry. This is the five loaves and two fish story. I think we always tend to focus on how this small amount of food miraculously feeds five thousand. We miss the part where Jesus holds on to not enough food, looks up to heaven and gives thanks (vs 41).

In suffering with others, we pray. We pray with what we know is not enough. We trust the Holy Spirit to perfect the prayers we cannot form (Romans 8:26-27).

Perseverance
Suffering people frequently suck. They make choices that hurt themselves or others more. They say awkward things or don't say anything at all. They can be ungrateful. And even if they suffer in a saintly way, sometimes the suffering just keeps on coming and it doesn't end soon, or soon enough.

Welp, as members of one body there's no get-out-of-jail-free card. In fact, in John 17, Jesus says that our oneness, unity, ability to be one body, is evidence to the world of the love of Jesus (see John 17:20-23, The Message).

We must continue to be present for one another, to provide for one another, to pray for one another. We press on even when the miracle healing doesn't come, or the promised "better" doesn't arrive, especially then because our God is a God who perseveres, who does not wait for us to be pretty before he comes to us and loves us.

As we celebrate Easter, we celebrate a risen King, who came to earth as a baby and was here with humanity on earth, experienced the joys and discomforts of our lives while living in perfect unity with God the Father. He died on the cross, was buried, and on the third day beat death and rises again. The perfect, Creator God of the universe fully suffered humanity's death sentence. In doing so, death lost its sting. In Jesus, there is life. We can choose to follow him as our King, a King who knows our every pain, our every heartache, a King who promises us rest.

Alleluia! He is risen!

 

Suffering: Taking up our cross

And [Jesus] said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. ~Luke 9:23

We're wrapping up Good Friday when we remember Jesus carrying his cross to Calvary where he was nailed to it and upon which he died though he was innocent in every way. So it is fitting that we consider the sufferings that come from taking up our own cross as we obey and imitate Christ.

For the past several posts, I have not addressed the sufferings that come from our choices. Sometimes, as mentioned here talking about the roots of suffering, we make sinful choices which have consequences. But sometimes we make the right choice, and there's pain. We choose Jesus over our own way and instead of glory there is suffering. That's a really bitter pill to swallow.

I remember at one point in my singleness being super mad at God. "I'm doing my best to live in a way that pleases you, God, and I'm out of my mind lonely." Others in following Jesus suffer small indignities and large. Some are looked down on, seen as foolish, aren't hired, aren't promoted, get reassigned. Others lose friends, lose livelihoods, lose their freedom, lose their life. And it's not fair, and it's no surprise. Such is what we are promised as followers. Love cost Christ his life. We are called to love, and it will require no less of us. And that's frankly scary.

Reynoso ("Formed through suffering" in The Kingdom Life) has this encouragement:

Because we know that obeying God and living by kingdom values will cause us to pay a price, sometimes we choose to avoid suffering and settle for less than God has intended for us. In doing so, we miss out on experiencing the powerful reality of Paul's words, "that I may know Him...and the fellowship of His sufferings" (Philippians 3:10, NASB).

In the garden of Eden, we see a perfect relationship between God and Adam and Eve. One of the main threads of the whole Bible is God's work through history to bring reconciliation between himself and his people, to make the relationship whole. On this side of heaven, while we still live in the fallout of sin, everything that brings us nearer to God has a sweetness to it. So sharing in the suffering of Christ has a promised sweetness in the midst of the pain.

Truths for the Suffering Believer

Paul wrote, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come."

What does this mean when we are hurting? If the world without Jesus hurts and the body of Christ hurts too, what's new? What is the old that has gone?

For starters, I don't actually know. But here are some ideas from the Bible that we can hold on to.

First, as I concluded in the last post, God is not indifferent to our pain and weeps with us. This doesn't make chemo any more comfortable or solve the grief of a lost loved one, but it is nevertheless light in dark times.

Consider this testimony:
"Two weeks after my daughter's [fatal] accident, I was lamenting in prayer over how damaged Paula's body was. She had been an attractive young woman at the apex of her beauty, but in the accident she was thrown from the car and crashed against a concrete barrier. When I first saw her body in the casket, I thought we had walked into the wrong chapel. As I relived the horror of her shattered body with God, His quiet voice spoke inaudibly, "I felt that way, too." I was shocked into silence as I remembered that He, too, was a bereaved parent. (Reynoso, "Formed Through Suffereing" in The Kingdom Life)"

At the same time God empathizes with this woman who has tragically lost her daughter, God's heart is for each of us in our own experiences however we think it compares to anyone else's experiences. Pain is pain; God sees and grieves with all of us.

Secondly, we have the Holy Spirit as our comforter. In John 14, Jesus is preparing his friends for what's coming up. He tells them he's leaving soon, but that he's not going to abandon them as orphans (vs 18). With them will be the Holy Spirit described as the parakletos which gets translated as advocate, counselor, helper, comforter. Common ideas within these translations is that the Parakletos comes to the aid of one in need. And Jesus gives the promise that the Parakletos will never leave (vs 16) and will teach and remind (vs 26).

When we are in pain, pretty much we just want it to end or at least lessen. As we understand it, any supernatural power a god could have should be applied to that end. However, we frequently don't get that and certainly not when we want it. But just because we don't get what we want doesn't mean that as believers the Parakletos is not with us, that we do not have supernatural aid in our need. We may not notice until we're at the end of our rope, but God our Parakletos has been with us all the while actively helping us in our need.

Thirdly, as we follow in the way of Jesus, we come to know that death is not the end. Whether our suffering is spiritual, emotional, physical, relational, whatever it is, we have the hope of heaven. This is not a pansy, precious moments angels heaven. This is a stiff, bracing new reality filled with beauty, health, and rightness.

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~ Revelation 21

We look around at the pain in our lives and the pain in the lives of others and the pain across the globe, across history and we can ask, "Is this as good as it gets?" And the resounding answer is No. All the good that we hope for will be fulfilled perfectly in eternity.

The Roots of Suffering

This week is Holy Week, the week leading up to Easter. I'll be posting more often as I process thoughts on suffering.

The story of humanity from the Bible claims that the world was created without sin allowing a perfect, direct relationship with God. But this relationship was not coercive, God did not demand love and affection from his image-bearers. Instead a tree was planted in the middle of this paradise with a prohibition against eating from it. This was the relationship escape valve. The promise was that if they wanted out from the relationship they could have it, and in obtaining their out they would die. But of course, the story goes that they didn't die immediately; they didn't experience a physical death immediately.

Instead the first thing they experienced was shame, shame that caused them to sew leaves to cover themselves with (Genesis 3:7). And when they next encountered God, they were afraid because of their shame (Genesis 3:10).

From their choices, our first parents Adam and Eve introduced sin into the world and all the rest of creation was touched by the stink of death and suffering.

Last week, I reflected on the idea that suffering is less about the (in)justice of God and more about the destructive nature of sin. In this post, I want to present three areas that have been distorted by those first sins that results in our personal and collective suffering.

• Human choice
• Creation
• Powers and Principalities  

(Excerpts are from Reynoso's essay "Formed through suffering" in The Kingdom Life)

Human Choice
When we choose our own way over God's way, we can inflict "intentional and malicious harm...[that] causes a world of grief, pain and injustice."

But we can also make choices out of "ignorance, neglect and indifference" which "passively, but effectively hurt individuals and people groups, sometimes perpetuating unjust systems on entire nations of people."

And we also have to live with the limitations of our humaness. "Sometimes we cannot prevent tragedy simply because our strength and knowledge are not sufficient or we are not in the right place at the right time." It only took a moment of my distracted crazy for my son to fall off his changing table and break his leg.

Creation
I don't know about your influences, but a lot of arguments and advertisements I come across claim something is good because it is/was natural. But in the light of very natural disasters like tsunamis or very natural critters like bed bugs or very natural diseases like malaria or very natural biological processes like cancer and aging, how good is nature?

"All creation suffers hurt, damage, erosion, death and decay (see Romans 8:20-22) because God linked nature to the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin...God allowed sin to distort His creation and cause suffering...Meanwhile until its liberation the natural world suffers pain and humans suffer with it through the wildness of nature..."

Turns out nature is bent by sin too. It's not that there is nothing good in nature--it is product of a good God's creativity--but like humans, it has been warped by sin and is capable of inflicting great suffering.*

So while "God may use nature to carry out His plans...he is not the source of damage and death in this world." Natural disasters are so beyond our control we call them "acts of God", and in doing so we fail to grasp how thoroughly sin has warped even nature.

Powers and Principalities
These words carry a lot of Christian "voodoo" in them, but Paul seems to be describing "human and spiritual structures" which includes both the sense of evil spiritual forces as well as human institutions found in our culture, economics, and politics.

The latter "come under the influence of damaged and corrupt world systems, insatiable desires of the flesh (i.e., greed), and Satan, who desires to enslave the hearts and souls of men and women. The result is suffering beyond measure. Powers in the form of war, ethnic cleansing, slavery, systemic prejudice, and unjust dominance of the strong over the weak...break spirits and bodies by the weight of suffering they impose."

On Palm Sunday, we celebrated the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem even while on the back of a common donkey. On Easter Sunday, we celebrate the risen Jesus having defeated death. But in these days in between, we travel with Jesus in the consequences of sin. Before resurrection there is the cross, and Jesus hung on the cross as the definitive act of bringing restoration to a broken world. His death was costly in that it paid off an enormous debt, righting countless wrongs. To understand the glory of a risen King, we have to be willing to stare into the darkness. To live in grace, we must understand how wholly broken we are individually, corporately, and in the world at large.

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*This is why comparing the love of God to a hurricane may be inapt.

Kingdom economics--forgiveness

Rebrant's Return of the Prodigal Son

Our family recites the Lord's Prayer together every evening, and every evening we get to "and forgive us our debts and we forgive our debtors" and I get a little twinge in my gut. The whole prayer is about God and what he does and then bam! I've got a part and it's hard. And it's not like this is a rare, Jesus one-off. He doubles down on this a few verses after the Lord's Prayer and again in parable form:

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
~The Gospel according to Matthew, chapter 18

Forgiveness is a big deal to God, and it's a big deal for us.

Forgiveness is a big deal to God in that it is through forgiveness that we big rift between us and God is healed. The whole Jesus cruelly killed on a cross thing? That's because we are people who give God the finger in thought, word, and deed day in and day out. And it's not going work for God to say, "That's ok, it doesn't matter, come live in my happy, happy!"

Instead, the story of the whole Bible is more like this, "I have loved you so much, I cannot bear this separation. So I will take on the form of humanity, and I will live your human life and I will take the punishment for your rebellion on my person. I'm paying for your debt, so the slate is wiped clean. Now, come live in my kingdom."

So our part is to become members of God's household, people who have accepted God's forgiveness of our debts through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, and now choose to live under God's rule instead of in rebellion to it.

What, then, is this bit about "as we forgive our debtors"? Well, going back to the parable quoted above, the master was angry at his servant because the servant was forgiven by the master but wouldn't forgive another for a lesser amount. We are so much like this servant. Forgiveness is harder than it seems like it should be.

When I struggle to forgive, it's usually because the other person hasn't asked for forgiveness. But the older I get, the fewer apologies I get. Maybe my parents just made us apologize to one another all the time, I don't know.

Anyways, I have had to learn to sit under the waterfall of grace and ask God to help me forgive the same person for the same unapologized hurt over and over. John Piper suggests that our prayer should be "Forgive my failure to forgive X." The very thing I need forgiveness for is my lack of forgiveness

Another point Piper makes is that this prayer, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" shows us that God is willing to work within our own belief system. If we live in a world of karma, aka "payback is a bitch", then how can we go to God and expect him to extend mercy? If we live in a world of mercy, aka "Jesus takes the fall", then we are operating in Kingdom Economics.

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Today happens to be the first day of Lent. Here's what I've written about and during Lent.

Preparing for Lent

After a few years of celebrating Advent and Lent, I am finding them a nice "spiritual corrective". If in Advent, I am taught a particular lesson, I have a few months between Christmas and Lent to apply that to life, and then Lent starts and I get to reexamine my apprenticeship with Jesus and then a bit more than half a year to practice before another Advent and another season of reflection. Anyways, Lent this year is rather late and starts tomorrow, March 5th.

Lent is frequently associated with "giving up" something of removing something such as meat from the diet, or sweets, or tv, or social media. People have lots of reactions to this. One useful voice in the commentary is this talk on asceticism by Dallas Willard. The language is a bit heady, but it's worth the work to get through.

Lent is typically conceived of as the 46 day period between Ash Wednesday and the Saturday before Easter. A number of people have recommended using the time for focused reading in the Bible. Here are a few plans I found.

Small: The Gospels
Medium: The New Testament
Large: The whole Bible

For something different: Readings from the Church Fathers
EDIT: The above link lists a website for the readings that is incorrect. It should be http://www.churchyear.net/lentfatherscomplete.pdf


God bless you as we journey toward Easter.

Lent for Protestant Kids

It was surprisingly difficult to find stuff for Lent for protestant kids. I didn't grow up with Lent, but it's become more popular in evangelical, protestant circles. I'd like to think this is partly because people are moving deeper into a life-long apprenticeship with Jesus as Dallas Willard calls it. Anyways, I won't go speculating.

I did pick up a Catholic book several years ago, but as I was looking over it this year in preparation for Lent (which starts March 5th this year), there are too many thing I'd need to explain as "this is a Catholic thing and not something we hold dear to". For example, I think in the Ash Wednesday reading there's a bit about thanking Jesus we've been baptized into the kingdom. Except that we didn't have our children baptized as infants (I'm less and less opposed to this, but we just didn't).

While I'm doing this, let me just say that "liturgy" and "tradition" has generally gone over like gangbusters with our kids. We have morning and evening prayers. Yes, we do the same prayers/songs everyday, but the kids know the prayers and it's part of the rhythm of our day. The Lord's Prayer in 2 year old garble is adorable.

For Advent we starting putting up a Jesse Tree 3 years ago, and the kids have enjoyed listening to stories and putting ornaments up on a little Christmas tree we kept from our apartment years. This past Christmas we added something my in-laws dropped off which is a clothesline that we clip a new name of Jesus to each day. Kids loved it.

But back to Lent!

Here's what I've found so far:

Family Devotions for Lent
Best for age 4+
My favorite in terms of simplicity. Each day has a scripture, a prayer and a question

Lent Activities for the Family
Best for age 3+
Fun activities and reflections through Lent

Lenten Devotions
Best for age 3+
Works like a Jesse Tree; has a printable ornament and matching scripture. You can easily print out, color, and hang one each day. About half way between the first two in complexity.

Trail to the Tree
Best for age 5+
Laid back (only 17 days) and artsy, this one is from Ann Voskamp of One Thousand Gifts fame

Once we figure out Lent, I'm thinking about how to incorporate a Catechism into their spiritual education.

Book Review: Seeking God's Face

When I was a kid, I was introduced to two kinds of personal interactions with God, aka "daily devotion" or "quiet time". The first was a short lesson based on a short verse. You read it and move on. The second was Search the Scriptures which involved reading a longer passage and then answering questions about it, in other words, the Bible as homework.

To this day to my mind, the "gold" standard for personal time with God is a study about a book or topic that goes deep into the Bible. But what I find I want and am able to sustain is regular touches with God of scripture and the thoughts of other believers.

Last Christmas, N got me this book, Seeking God's Face, and it fit really well into my life this past year. There's been a lot to like about the book. In no particular order:

• The book feels good in the hand with a soft/fake leather cover and nice pages with a book mark ribbon.
• It's organized around the church calendar noting Advent, Lent, Easter, Ordinary time and so forth. It hits that at the right amount of detail for me; the major time divisions without every feast day.
• Each day is 2 pages of text. Just about right for a moment with my cup of coffee after the kids have finished breakfast and before we get going for the day. 
• Through a week, the opening verse and the closing blessing with be the same. This has allowed me to "hum" along with a theme for the week.
• There are several reminders to slow down, be quiet, and reflect on the passages just read.
• Each day there's a new bit from Psalms and one from somewhere else in the Bible. Some times the "somewhere else" bit will follow a story for a few days in a row. 
• Because of the church calendar thing, each entry is specifically dated for the years 2011-2026? So if I miss a few days, I know exactly how many days it's been since my bookmark moved.
• At the end, there are a few bullet points for prayer items. The ones I've been struck by this year is praying for different geographical areas, leaders in different spheres of influence like government and business, and care for the environment. I tend to bristle if I feel like people have an "agenda" about how I should feel about things as a believer. These prayer items have reminded me that no matter how I think things should be, I should submit them to God's care first. 
• I've really been challenged by the short written prayer at the end of each reading. The prayers are based on a classic creed or confession but they are so fresh and pertinent to how my heart can be now.  

All this to say that this book has kept me at the "spring of living water" this year. It's less intense than a deep dive into the Bible, but very tangible and consistent. Or maybe a way to say it is that it's helped me get back into the habit of hearing God through the Bible. 

As advent approaches in a few short days, I'm not sure what to do. Like the church year, Advent is the beginning of this book, so I'm in the last few pages of it at the moment. I have liked the Nouwen book I have for Advent readings, so I may head back there for the season. We'll see. Anyways, outside of Advent and Lent for which I have other materials, Seeking God's Face is an excellent way to spend a bit of time with God daily. 

Lent: Giving up Contempt

It's that awkward time of the year again where Lent starts and I never know what to say, "Happy Lent?" That just seems weird.

Anyways, in brief, since I have dishes that need to be washed and a bed calling out to me, I've been listening to Dallas Willard's lectures on his book the Divine Conspiracy and one of this themes is a reading of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) as Christ calling us away from contempt, arguing that what Jesus does in those passages is redeeming the contemptible. I haven't read the book, but the notion has given me pause.

So for Lent, I'm giving up political news which always stirs up my contempt-o-meter. I've done this before with a general sense that my news addiction was unhealthy, but this year I feel I have a bead on the problem: when I read news, I'm not really just encountering information I'm judging and condemning. It's ugly.

Sadly, however, the news is really the least of my problems. What I have realized recently is that the object of my regular contempt is my children. When I get impatient and raise my voice, when I feel I can't take it any more, what has happened in my heart is that I am holding my children in contempt. So while Lent is frequently about foregoing something and I am doing that, this Lent, I want to dig in an embrace kindness and embrace my children.

Super Mom breaks a leg

At 4:45PM last Monday, I had homemade granola about to burn in the oven, a roast on the grill, a house that needed tidying for guests, a sticky almost-3 year old, and a fussy baby.

In a fit of SheerGenius(tm) while I had my son on the changing table I thought, "He's half undressed anyways, I should bathe the kids." And then in a moment of UtterStupidity(tm), I left him on the table to turn on the hot water.

In the interim, my daughter wet her underwear, and my son fell on the changing table and started screaming his head off.

Two days, many miles on the road, many interviews with nurses, doctors, social workers, a blood draw, urine sample and several dozen xrays later, my son's broken leg was in a cast and we were done with the "suspected non-accidental tauma" protocol.

I had a lot of time to review how we got to the fall. At the end of the day, I'd say it was 2 parts pride and 1 part selfishness.

I like having guests and I really like playing with meats on a grill. And then there's MyAgenda which includes baths for the kids on Mondays, making more granola when I run out like I had that morning--even though I certainly could have had something else for breakfast and could have made more another day, and having a basically presentable house by 6:30 on Mondays when friends come over for dinner or church small group.

I knew when I decided to do bath time right then, that I was trying to be Super Mom. For that matter, I knew when I started doing the granola that I was being a little crazier than I needed to be. But I wanted to be super. To have a list that I could show my husband, "See I do cool stuff with my day too!"

It's pretty devastating to realize that pride can literally come before a fall. Especially when the faller is your cute little boy who has no business bearing the brunt of your inner ugliness.

What is amazing, however, is that I don't have to live in mom guilt. My pastor likes to use the phrase "standing under the waterfall of grace". It's a pretty phrase, but it should be offensive too. The apostle Paul wrote, "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

That means that even though I screwed up, and I really did screw up, Jesus is not holding a stick over me and I'm not either. I am receiving a forgiveness I don't deserve; it's both-and. I don't deserve it and I am receiving it. I hope that kind of ticks you off.

We're about half way through Lent, charging our way to Easter where Jesus dies for the wretchedly ungodly and buys freedom for prisoners who deserve their sentences.

Hallelujah!

That's ugly

Somehow in the awesomeness of Christmas, the part where Herod kills all the baby boys in Bethlehem has never really hit home with me,

¹⁶ When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. ¹⁷Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:

¹⁸ “A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more.”

~The good news according to Matthew, chapter 2

My son is in the two-and-under age range and I know many families with young sons. I cannot fathom how devastating it would be for all of us to lose our sons on the basis of such a decree. Just the thought of it brings a deep ache.

When I first read this yesterday, I felt how can the loving gift of baby Jesus sit in the context of so much senseless death and weeping?

Our church community is in the midst of a venue change as we handle the needs of a numerical growth. At the same time, we have suffered the early passing of several members from disease.

It is very hard for me to accept goodness in the midst of death and suffering. I want good to be good and darkness to be absent. I want answers and I want justice.

And I don't get what I want.

So today, as I continue to process goodness and, let's call it what it is, evil, the only thing I can say is that sin is ugly. Evil is really evil. Herod was wrong. Disease is something God is going to banish when his ultimate victory and reign in the world come to be. Let that day come soon!

In the meantime, I realize that I tend to want to let sin slide. Or at least, the sin in my life. It's not that bad. But it is. It is a gross, disgusting affront to God when I am not kind and gentle with my children, when I don't watch what I say and what my tone is. And that's true no matter how tired I might be or how honestly annoying they are. Thank God, that he is bigger than my tongue and with his strength I can do differently.

That's a lot of failure

In the lectionary today:

After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.
~The good news according to John, chapter 5

Now let's assume the waters stirred daily and we take this guy as this word that he tried to get himself to the pool of water believing that if he was the first one in he would be healed. That's 365 days of failure each year times 38 years or 13870 failed attempts at healing. And even if he was disheartened and gave up and didn't even try 10% of the time, he DID try almost 12500 times and FAILED every time.

All I can think of is persistent desperation. And I wonder if I could handle that level of failure and I wonder if I would believe a guy who said, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.”

I have no grand conclusions, but I'm totally in awe of this level of persistence and desperation.

Lenten reading

Here is part of the Daily Office from the BCP for today:

For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers, saying,

“I will tell of your name to my brothers;
in the midst of the congregation I will sing your praise.”

And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children God has given me.”

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.
~A Letter to the Hebrews, chapter 2

Chicken and Ashes

Ash Wednesday Collect
Almighty and everlasting God,
you hate nothing you have made
and forgive the sins of all who are penitent:
Create and make in us new and contrite hearts,
that we, worthily lamenting our sins
and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may obtain of you, the God of all mercy,
perfect remission and forgiveness;
through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns
with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
~1979 Book of Common Prayer

Today begins the season of Lent, a time of fasting and mourning our sins as we look forward to celebrating the work of Jesus on the cross on Easter morning.

I was worried that the last post sounded too final, like I had arrived and figured things out. In his second recorded letter to believers in Corinthians, Paul writes to them about giving and calls it the "grace of giving". I need our annual giving tally, I need to list the recipients of these gifts because I need to be able to see that kind of grace in my life.

My dead heart is a hoarder. I have never worried about having food to eat or a roof over my head, but I do find myself running through what ifs. Having a giant pile of cash stashed in the bank makes me feel better, like I'm the master of my own universe. I do think that stewarding our money well by planning and saving is a good idea. But giving presses me into God reminding me that every good and perfect gift comes from him, reminding me that I am NOT the master of my own universe.

In my life, frugal choices have to be balanced with generosity because otherwise I'm just pretending I've got my world under control. When I see the tally of our giving and I experience the sting of "but I could've done X" with that money, I have the opportunity to remember that God has blessed us with abundance now, that my future "security" is not something I craft out of dollars in the bank, and that I have been invited to participate in God's greater work in the world.

Anyways, all that for 89 cent chicken, huh. Well, the start of Lent seems to be an appropriate time to remember and repent of the many ways that I am wretched and money is certainly one of those ways.

Stations of the cross

A guest blogger on internetmonk.com is posting daily meditations for Stations of the cross. I have found them very helpful in preparing to celebrate Easter on Sunday. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to link to just the Stations of the Cross meditations, but it's worth it to scroll down the site (maybe subscribe to it in your feedreader) to get to them.

Fasting this Lent

Lent is about to draw to an end. It's the 5th week and Palm Sunday is coming up.

This year I gave up "meat" except for the Sunday feast days, "meat" in the Catholic sense where fish isn't meat. Given that I rarely eat meat except for at dinner, and I'm Chinese, and I like fish, this has not been nearly as burdensome, as say, the first time I gave up news and politics. When I have fasted from food, there has been visceral craving, emptiness, and a need for immediate comfort. I have not experienced that at all.

Instead, this year, since not eating meat is different but not wholly painful, the experience has been very different. What I've found is that I just generally long for Easter to arrive. There's a bit of a quickening in my chest, a little bit of tightness, low level anticipation. Part of me just wants to get back to my usual routine, be able to cook more meals that both my husband and I can eat, not worry about meeting up with other people and so on. That part says, "Let Easter come for my convenience and food reasons." That doesn't feel that holy at all. But part of me wants to embrace all the flavors that are out there, to savor steak the way I savored it a couple weeks ago on a Sunday feast day, to not take such moments for granted. That part says, "Let Easter come so we can celebrate Jesus and the new dawning he brought, the freedom, the grace, the wide open wonder." That feels expansively glorious.

Raised in the American Evangelical culture, Easter can feel very plastic in a wash of limp pastels. But the celebration of the resurrection should be the biggest event of every year marking the biggest event in human history. This is where divinity intersected humanity and love triumphed over death in the gory, most real, most definitely not-a-Hollywood-romance-or-Mel-Gibson-Passion-of-Christ way. I have to admit that Easter still does not outrank Christmas or March Madness on my anxiously-gripping-my-seat meter. But with every year, with every observation of the Lenten season, I find myself ever more drawn into the drama of Holy Week and the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Awe-full

Great and holy God
awe and reverence
fear and trembling
do not come easily to us
for we are not
Old Testament Jews
or Moses
or mystics
or sensitive enough.
Forgive us
for slouching into Your presence
with little expectation
and less awe
than we would eagerly give a visiting dignitary.
We need
neither Jehovah nor a buddy –
neither “the Great and Powerful Oz” nor “the man upstairs.”
Help us
to want what we need…
You
God
and may the altar of our hearts
tremble with delight
at
Your visitation
amen.

~Frederick Ohler

This poem was found as a meditation in the Mosaic Bible which is a regular New Living Translation of the Bible with a special section in the front that has art, essays, and poems by authors across time periods and continents. These are organized thematically and weekly into the church calendar. So this poem was a meditation for the first week of Lent which is this week.

It's been a long time since I have read poetry, and I like this one.

What does God do with dust and ash?

It's Lent again. I've been reading the Anglican Book of Common Prayer (1662) off and on for the past year or so. One thing difficult for me to quite come to terms with is the constant petitioning for mercy and forgiveness. It's not that I think I deserve God's kindness, but as far as I can tell, it's been extended. The whole contrite thing can sometimes feel like sniveling and hoping for grace which has already been given. But perhaps that's why I stick with it; I think I still have much to learn. Maybe I need to be reminded more often of how my life is good only in that God imbues it with goodness.

I liked this guy's meditation on Ash Wednesday:

What does God do with dust and ash?

He grows things out of them.

He covers them with purple raiments.

He lifts people out of them.

He unfairly accepts them in exchange for beauty.

He writes mysterious things in them.

He spits in them and uses the mud to give sight.

He washes them off your stinky feet.

He breathes into them and creates new life.

He descends into them, submits to their suffocation, and emerges alive and spotless.

When you return to dust, even if your body should be burnt to ashes and scattered over the four winds, he who is the Lord over the earth will be able to collect you, reconstitute you, and resurrect you into a body fit for eternity.

~Jared Wilson

Ash Wednesday

The Collect

Almighty and everlasting God, who hatest nothing that thou hast made and dost forgive the sins of all them that are penitent; Create and make in us new and contrite hearts, that we, worthily lamenting our sins, and acknowledging our wretchedness, may obtain of thee, the God of all mercy, perfect remission and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

This Collect is to be read every day in Lent after the Collect appointed for the Day.

~The Book of Common Prayer, 1662

The temporal experience of God

Lenten musing 9

¹ I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

² My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

³ Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

~Psalm 34

In the intervening days since I last posted, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world. Today, she is four days old and while nursing her I read aloud the lectionary readings, including Psalm 34.

As I was reading today's passages I realized that our little girl essentially has no past and only a future. Her experiences with God and his world lay ahead of her, lines in a play yet un-performed. Unlike her, I have a past and colors my present and future. Reading scripture today, I was reawakened to the temporal experience of God. Having journeyed longer in life than our little one, I can look back and point to the places where "I sought the LORD, and he answered me", where "he delivered me from all my fears." I can choose to look to [him] as a current disposition. And I can make on going choices into the future to extol , praise, and boast in the Lord.

It is my hope and prayer that our little one will have a lifetime walking with the Lord so that she too may look into her story and see God's work and will played out time and time again, and that these memories and experiences will carry her through a life filled with praise and glory for her heavenly Father.