I should explain the current hiatus.
I'm wrapping up my dissertation. I will be back in June when all this has blown over.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
We'll never get March back
--Has it hit you that you're a MOM?
--No. Keep asking me and I'll let you know when it happens.
New motherhood is weird. Newly married was weird and actually also disrupted my sleep patterns because it took some getting used to sharing a bed, but new motherhood takes that to a whole new level. My life in the day is punctuated by feedings after which my mother takes the little one and I get back to my dissertation. At night, I'm on my own for three feedings: midnight, 3AM, and 5AM (more or less). Pee and poo are whatever, breastmilk everywhere? Ugh. Inconsolable crying? [tears hair out]
My newborn turns 1 month today, and it's supposed to take 30 days to start a new habit or so I heard. But normal still feels like March, just me and my husband, our morning routines, our evening routines, our outlook on life and planning. Starting today I have finished the Chinese month of postpartum recuperation and can leave the house. I've left the house to go to the pediatrician's, but have otherwise been house-bound. Frankly, I haven't minded it one bit partly because it furthers the illusion that life is as it was. (Having Mom prepare my meals and others go grocery shopping for me is pretty nice too.) I don't have to think about how to run my errands with a newborn in tow. I don't have to schedule everything around her feedings. I don't have to worry about her and the vagaries of "out there". It's May, but I keep thinking it is March.
This reminds me of that verse about being "new creations"
About 2 years ago, 5 years into my PhD program, I realized that I wasn't an entering student anymore. I was willing to be called a scholar or researcher and could self-identify as that. Some time in the past 3 years, I've grown accustomed to being married. I don't identify with my maiden name; I don't find myself trying to assert my independence and "singlehood". How did these happen? Well, they certainly didn't happen in a month. For the PhD, I worked with some new students and the contrast in their thinking and my thinking was so different even though I could remember being in their shoes. That helped me to see that I had changed. In marriage, I'm finding that I'm doing "being married" more reflexively. I don't have to tell myself to consider my husband too. Not that I'm a wonderfully considerate person all the time, but I'm not reminding myself that I'm not single all the time. I've probably also finished grieving over the things I did as a single person that I've basically given up, like dragonboating and going out late. These have been replaced with other things I enjoy like Saturday morning pancakes and hosting tacos & SciFi night.
So what will it take to embrace new motherhood and being a new creation in Christ?
For new motherhood, I think it will first take time because in that time I will collect experiences. For new creation-ness, the time has been there. I think what it will take is perspective. What makes me feel like not a new creation are my stellar moments of NOT Christ-likeness. Yelling at a 2 wk old for stuff she can't control will make you feel pretty crappy. But just as I am not a perfect wife but still a wife, I am not a perfect "new creation" but still a "new creation" nevertheless. "New creation-ness" makes me feel like I should have it all together, to have left all the old stuff behind. I wonder if I need to consider new creation-ness as a process of growing into a new identity rather than the perfect, immediate adoption of Christ-like living.
Identity is a weird thing and something I thought 20 year olds dealt with. But here I am staring down 30, going through the another topsy turvy identity change.
Guess it doesn't matter cuz any way you slice it we'll never get March back.
--No. Keep asking me and I'll let you know when it happens.
New motherhood is weird. Newly married was weird and actually also disrupted my sleep patterns because it took some getting used to sharing a bed, but new motherhood takes that to a whole new level. My life in the day is punctuated by feedings after which my mother takes the little one and I get back to my dissertation. At night, I'm on my own for three feedings: midnight, 3AM, and 5AM (more or less). Pee and poo are whatever, breastmilk everywhere? Ugh. Inconsolable crying? [tears hair out]
My newborn turns 1 month today, and it's supposed to take 30 days to start a new habit or so I heard. But normal still feels like March, just me and my husband, our morning routines, our evening routines, our outlook on life and planning. Starting today I have finished the Chinese month of postpartum recuperation and can leave the house. I've left the house to go to the pediatrician's, but have otherwise been house-bound. Frankly, I haven't minded it one bit partly because it furthers the illusion that life is as it was. (Having Mom prepare my meals and others go grocery shopping for me is pretty nice too.) I don't have to think about how to run my errands with a newborn in tow. I don't have to schedule everything around her feedings. I don't have to worry about her and the vagaries of "out there". It's May, but I keep thinking it is March.
This reminds me of that verse about being "new creations"
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!I've been a follower of Jesus for most of my life, way, way longer than I've been a mother, yet I find that I can also have the mindset that "normal" is my old life. This new life is strange and not real. What does it take to embrace a new identity and to own it?
~Paul's 2nd letter to the folk in Corinth
About 2 years ago, 5 years into my PhD program, I realized that I wasn't an entering student anymore. I was willing to be called a scholar or researcher and could self-identify as that. Some time in the past 3 years, I've grown accustomed to being married. I don't identify with my maiden name; I don't find myself trying to assert my independence and "singlehood". How did these happen? Well, they certainly didn't happen in a month. For the PhD, I worked with some new students and the contrast in their thinking and my thinking was so different even though I could remember being in their shoes. That helped me to see that I had changed. In marriage, I'm finding that I'm doing "being married" more reflexively. I don't have to tell myself to consider my husband too. Not that I'm a wonderfully considerate person all the time, but I'm not reminding myself that I'm not single all the time. I've probably also finished grieving over the things I did as a single person that I've basically given up, like dragonboating and going out late. These have been replaced with other things I enjoy like Saturday morning pancakes and hosting tacos & SciFi night.
So what will it take to embrace new motherhood and being a new creation in Christ?
For new motherhood, I think it will first take time because in that time I will collect experiences. For new creation-ness, the time has been there. I think what it will take is perspective. What makes me feel like not a new creation are my stellar moments of NOT Christ-likeness. Yelling at a 2 wk old for stuff she can't control will make you feel pretty crappy. But just as I am not a perfect wife but still a wife, I am not a perfect "new creation" but still a "new creation" nevertheless. "New creation-ness" makes me feel like I should have it all together, to have left all the old stuff behind. I wonder if I need to consider new creation-ness as a process of growing into a new identity rather than the perfect, immediate adoption of Christ-like living.
Identity is a weird thing and something I thought 20 year olds dealt with. But here I am staring down 30, going through the another topsy turvy identity change.
Guess it doesn't matter cuz any way you slice it we'll never get March back.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The temporal experience of God
Lenten musing 9
In the intervening days since I last posted, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world. Today, she is four days old and while nursing her I read aloud the lectionary readings, including Psalm 34.
As I was reading today's passages I realized that our little girl essentially has no past and only a future. Her experiences with God and his world lay ahead of her, lines in a play yet un-performed. Unlike her, I have a past and colors my present and future. Reading scripture today, I was reawakened to the temporal experience of God. Having journeyed longer in life than our little one, I can look back and point to the places where "I sought the LORD, and he answered me", where "he delivered me from all my fears." I can choose to look to [him] as a current disposition. And I can make on going choices into the future to extol , praise, and boast in the Lord.
It is my hope and prayer that our little one will have a lifetime walking with the Lord so that she too may look into her story and see God's work and will played out time and time again, and that these memories and experiences will carry her through a life filled with praise and glory for her heavenly Father.
1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.~Psalm 34
In the intervening days since I last posted, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world. Today, she is four days old and while nursing her I read aloud the lectionary readings, including Psalm 34.
As I was reading today's passages I realized that our little girl essentially has no past and only a future. Her experiences with God and his world lay ahead of her, lines in a play yet un-performed. Unlike her, I have a past and colors my present and future. Reading scripture today, I was reawakened to the temporal experience of God. Having journeyed longer in life than our little one, I can look back and point to the places where "I sought the LORD, and he answered me", where "he delivered me from all my fears." I can choose to look to [him] as a current disposition. And I can make on going choices into the future to extol , praise, and boast in the Lord.
It is my hope and prayer that our little one will have a lifetime walking with the Lord so that she too may look into her story and see God's work and will played out time and time again, and that these memories and experiences will carry her through a life filled with praise and glory for her heavenly Father.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Rhythms of Abiding
Lenten musing 8
In all the pre-natal literature that has passed before me, there have been two pieces that have helped the most. The first was a cartoon in a book that said "Labor is work; it hurts; you can do it." The second was an illustration of contractions as a wave.
I'm a few days past due and everyone is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Mini. My body has taken this time to slowly prepare for labor by having occasional but increasingly strong contractions. This is no big deal when I'm awake but is kind of disruptive when I'm sleeping because I'm awakened and there's nothing else to focus on. I think about the wave and count out 6 slow breaths; two to go up the wave, two for the top, and two coming down and by then the contraction is basically over and I try to go back to sleep.
I was chatting with a friend about being in new or "liminal" spaces, on the cusp of something and the discomfort of being there. For her, it's a new dating relationship. For me, it isn't new parenthood which is still rather abstract, but upcoming professional changes for my husband and I. Everything feels like a struggle because of the uncertainty ahead. We want to act, but there isn't anything to do.
In times like these, I think we are called to the rhythms of abiding which are wave-like. With our eyes, all we see is an uphill path obscured. But when we abide in Christ, we can focus on where we are today and take today's steps leaving tomorrow's steps for tomorrow. As we do this, we are strengthened for each day and find that we have been carried through the uncertainty.
On the upward side of a wave, it seems that there is only up. But as we experience the rhythms of abiding, we learn that God is faithful and we are not left to live in tension indefinitely. Is it difficult, requiring faith to abide on the uphill side? Absolutely. Labor is work; it hurts. But God supports us over the top and takes us to his appointed place. You can do it.
In all the pre-natal literature that has passed before me, there have been two pieces that have helped the most. The first was a cartoon in a book that said "Labor is work; it hurts; you can do it." The second was an illustration of contractions as a wave.
I'm a few days past due and everyone is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Mini. My body has taken this time to slowly prepare for labor by having occasional but increasingly strong contractions. This is no big deal when I'm awake but is kind of disruptive when I'm sleeping because I'm awakened and there's nothing else to focus on. I think about the wave and count out 6 slow breaths; two to go up the wave, two for the top, and two coming down and by then the contraction is basically over and I try to go back to sleep.
I was chatting with a friend about being in new or "liminal" spaces, on the cusp of something and the discomfort of being there. For her, it's a new dating relationship. For me, it isn't new parenthood which is still rather abstract, but upcoming professional changes for my husband and I. Everything feels like a struggle because of the uncertainty ahead. We want to act, but there isn't anything to do.
In times like these, I think we are called to the rhythms of abiding which are wave-like. With our eyes, all we see is an uphill path obscured. But when we abide in Christ, we can focus on where we are today and take today's steps leaving tomorrow's steps for tomorrow. As we do this, we are strengthened for each day and find that we have been carried through the uncertainty.
On the upward side of a wave, it seems that there is only up. But as we experience the rhythms of abiding, we learn that God is faithful and we are not left to live in tension indefinitely. Is it difficult, requiring faith to abide on the uphill side? Absolutely. Labor is work; it hurts. But God supports us over the top and takes us to his appointed place. You can do it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
The ups and downs
Lenten musing 7
We're almost a month into Lent and it's been about 3 months since I returned to daily scripture reading. I am definitely feeling this undulating but progressive path toward a more Christ-centered life. I had so much trepidation about returning to regular scripture reading because I was worried that it would be an invitation for God to wreck my life, to twist me into something I didn't want to be. Instead, I find that I am being unfolded and freed to live less fearfully, less tortured, with more trust and grace. Not that last week wasn't a truly stressful week, not that I didn't feel I was regressing back to self-reliance, but I didn't regress as far and I was able to move forward in faith in a way I haven't in a long time.
In all of this we can sometimes get the mistaken impression of uninterrupted progress forward. Even the use of the term "stages" can unwittingly convey the idea of leaving one level for a higher one never to return again. I have not found it to be so. My experience has been much more fluid and undulating. One day I may be experiencing an intimate attention to Christ's presence that is well nigh amazing, and the next day I am in the "Slough of Despond." I can alternate between being meekly submissive and stubbornly rebellious with surprising speed. And I find many of the devotional masters record similar experiences. The stages are not hard and fast. There is a lot of movement back and forth, up and down.
But it is not a spiritual roller coaster either, because through all the motion there is a sense of progress and growth. The feeling of intermittent communion begins to give way to more sustained fellowship. Whereas before the hard thing was to seek his face, more and more the thing is to refrain from seeking him. Slowly and certainly, howbeit with many reversals, knowing God moves from obligation to delight. Although many times we do not pay attention to the holy Whisper, increasingly we do. We are less and less discouraged by our many wanderings in the wilderness because , having tasted the land of promise, we desire it more and more. As much as we may flirt with double-minded living, our real love is singleness of purpose and increasingly it is capturing our heart.
~Foster, Freedom of Simplicity
We're almost a month into Lent and it's been about 3 months since I returned to daily scripture reading. I am definitely feeling this undulating but progressive path toward a more Christ-centered life. I had so much trepidation about returning to regular scripture reading because I was worried that it would be an invitation for God to wreck my life, to twist me into something I didn't want to be. Instead, I find that I am being unfolded and freed to live less fearfully, less tortured, with more trust and grace. Not that last week wasn't a truly stressful week, not that I didn't feel I was regressing back to self-reliance, but I didn't regress as far and I was able to move forward in faith in a way I haven't in a long time.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A different set of worries
Lenten musing 6
The writer here worries that the God he/she cries out to won't be there some time, won't be a refuge when approached.
In addition to the readings from the previous musing, I have continued to be bombarded it seems by reminders to pray, reminders of the centrality of prayer in the God-filled life, in the Christ-centered life. But were I to re-write this line I would write:
Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;
~Psalm 71
The writer here worries that the God he/she cries out to won't be there some time, won't be a refuge when approached.
In addition to the readings from the previous musing, I have continued to be bombarded it seems by reminders to pray, reminders of the centrality of prayer in the God-filled life, in the Christ-centered life. But were I to re-write this line I would write:
This is how desperate the state of prayer is for me, how much I need to learn, how far I have to go.
May I seek you as a rock of refuge,
Instead of my own competence;
~Andrea's Psalm
Monday, March 9, 2009
Note to self
Lenten musing 5
From this morning's lectionary reading
A quote I've been carrying in my Bible since I finished college
From the book I'm currently browsing through
From this morning's lectionary reading
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
~A Miktam of King David, Psalm 57
A quote I've been carrying in my Bible since I finished college
It is necessary for the Spirit of God to burn into our hearts this mystery, that the most important work we have to do is that which must be done on our knees, alone with God, away from the bustle of the world and the plaudits of men
~O. Hallesby, Prayer
From the book I'm currently browsing through
Prayer frees us to be controlled by God. To pray is to change. There is no greater liberating force in the Christian life than prayer. To enter the gaze of the Holy is never to be the same.
~Foster, Freedom of Simplicity
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