Handling bounty

While technically, 50% of homes in the US are bigger than our house, having spent my adult life before TX living in dorms and apartments around the world, I can safely say our 5 bedroom house is big. However, knowing, for example, how much room my mother had growing up with 6 siblings, or how much room my co-worker in Russia had, or even how much room our friends in Los Angeles have, there's a certain discomfort about having this treasure trove of space. We certainly don't need this much space for day to day living. So why have all this space?

This week has shown how physical space can also be part of marginal living. With foot surgery, my mother-in-law's stay has extended from 3 wks to 3 months. Many things about our house make it an ideal place for her to recover. She has her own room only a few steps from a full bathroom. Our entrances have only 1 step so when she's ready to get out and about more, it'll be easier for her to do so. We're in TX where the winter can be cool, but she's not going to be house bound the whole time with darkness, snow and ice all over. Our physical space is a blessing to her.

Then, this past Sunday night, a friend went into labor a week or so early. With a no family nearby, they needed someone to watch their toddler son. With still more room, we were able to have him over for a couple nights while mommy and daddy were down the road at the hospital. And with a fenced in backyard, there was a safe place for him to get some boy energy out.

After years of urban living, middle-class suburban life became for me an image of veneered hollowness, a dangerous place for anyone wanting a lived spiritual life. I think the chief dangers are comfort and prosperity. These entice us to rely on ourselves and to live dissipated, godless lives. However, I'm finding that being here while living with the anticipation that God shows up and shows up everywhere and anywhere means that I am encountering opportunities for grace. I get to participate in those opportunities as I specifically learn to let God guide not only my use of time, but also my resources like our home. And while sometimes God uses us to show up for others--like my mother-in-law or our friends's little boy, sometimes God uses others to show up for us--like some other friends who sent us a gluten-free pizza for dinner. A real treat after a couple long days.

We do live in overwhelming comfort and prosperity, for which I am thankful. But instead of feeling shame, like I have in the past, I feel blessed and responsible. In this Advent Season as we look forward to Christmas and from Christmas we look forward to Jesus' second coming, these words of Jesus below take on a new poignancy:

“Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time? It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns. Truly I tell you, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. But suppose the servant says to himself, ‘My master is taking a long time in coming,’ and he then begins to beat the other servants, both men and women, and to eat and drink and get drunk. The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.

“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

~The good news according to Luke, chpt 12

Advent--the time is now

Well, I was going to have deep musings about advent. But about 2 hrs ago we got a call from our friends that she has gone into labor. Since we live 2 miles from the hospital and they live 20 miles away, we are at least hosting their son.

No deep thoughts but much anticipation of a birth.

Marginal living

My mother-in-law is in town and we spent Mon-Thurs carting around town going to doctors' appointments with Lil L in tow. She said she felt bad that she was taking up so much of my time with these appointments. But in truth, for me, the reason why I set aside my career is so that I would have that kind of time. Obviously, when we made the choice, we didn't specifically anticipate that she would be ill and need this kind of medical care and chose to come stay with us while receiving such care.

In our pre-baby days, N and I worked 50+ hr wks while actively serving in the church and for us, we found it was hard to simply be married. We had to work for mere relational maintenance much less relational thriving. I don't know what people see when they see us, but we are not high capacity people. We don't have endless reserves to this, that, and the other. We say no to things for the sake of our own health.

So we did not have tortured discussions about what to do about the crazy life. Given that he earned enough to support us both, it seemed obvious that we should choose a different life when the opportunity presented itself. In 2009, N got two job offers: one for a lucrative start-up in the traditional video game industry and another in an offshoot branch of the game industry that offered better hours. We took the better hours which turned out to be more interesting work and the other company has since downsized. Also in 2009, I finished my degree. Instead of starting a national job search of a tenure-track professorship, I stayed at home with Lil L and did some side gigs.

What we were wanting were margins, unfilled space in life. In our culture of busyness, I think it's easy for Christ followers to believe that a crammed schedule is a spiritual life -- and extra spiritual if a lot of the cramming is from obviously spiritual activity. Instead, we believe that letting go of the crammed schedule, having margins, allows us to experience unique moments of grace. We have time for people in all those unplanned ways; sidewalk conversations with neighbors, extra minutes staring at produce in the grocery store with Lil L, sitting in doctor's offices with my mother-in-law.

This is not to give some bucolic impression of a suburban pastoral (if that's possible). I don't know my mother-in-law well, and we have not been instant buddies. The past week has been a time of intense reflection for me; I have been faced with anger, frustration, and total exhaustion. At the same time, I have learned from my mother-in-law, learned about her, and learned about God's heart for both her and me.

This is also not to say that having one spouse not work for pay is the only way to have margins. As I said, we are not high capacity people; N works in a well-paying field; and I work in a field that tends to be all or nothing. There's not a lot of part-time opportunities.

What I am encouraging is a little more open space in our schedules, a little more marginal living, and a few more unexpected encounters.

For more thoughts on living with margins I recommend (these are not affiliate links):
Margins: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson
--A book directly on this subject

Busier than Ever: Why American Families Can't Slow Down by Darrah, Freeman, and English-Leuck
--An anthropological look at dual-income families in Silicon Valley

The object of affection

My 18 month old daughter has entered a new phase that involves hugs and specifically wanting my care and affection. This is incredibly tender and sweet for me because Lil L has never been a child who would sleep in my arms and has been remarkably independent from the get go. It's also kind of shocking in its intensity.

Yesterday, we were in a new part of town in a new place while Grandma had a doctor's appointment. Lil L spent a good 10 minutes wanting to be near me while she sussed the place out. When she's upset about anything, a reprimand, a loud noise, being tired, she wants to be near me. She'll tenderly lay her head in my lap, and when I show up after an absence, I get an amazing smile and often out-stretched arms and a toddler run. At the moment, I am the clear object of her affections.

I, as an adult, have never been a kid person. So until I had a child, my understanding of children was limited to my hazy memories and TV. As I experience motherhood, I feel I've been given a new opportunity to engage little people, and this is helping me re-engage with Jesus. You know, the Jesus that said:

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.
~The Gospel according to Luke, chapter 18

"The kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Lil L falls over a lot as she skitters around our tile living room. She can't help with the dishes or the laundry. She's our little agent of chaos. But she is unwavering in believing that mama is where it's at.

In the kingdom life, it is easy to want to think that we get kingdom merit badges for doing awesome stuff. But Jesus might be saying that the kingdom is for awkward incompetents who have a seemingly insane belief that Jesus and Jesus alone is where it's at.

The urgent long view

My current conundrum is that we don't know how many days on earth we get. I was remembering my friend Brian this morning. He has no more days; I have no more days with him. I still find that deeply saddening.

If I knew I had only 30 more days in my life, I would feel a deep sense of urgency to call some of my best friends and tell them, "I have 30 more days and beyond that my hope is in Jesus Christ, beyond that I believe I will experience beauty and majesty that we only get a taste of in this life, beyond that I will be in eternity with God. You too can experience hope, beauty, and majesty in this life and the next because of who Jesus is and what he has done."

But I don't know that. I may well have 30 + 30 years left in my life. And how sweet would be it be to have all those years with these friends and new friends? When I take the long view, I feel I mustn't force my hand, mustn't try and run ahead, mustn't try and rush things. Instead, I should live and enjoy each moment for what it is. Not rushing relationships to me means being a normal friend, not being a weird religious freak who is acquainted with someone. But that means that it might be year 8 in a relationship before someone says, "Will you pray for me and my family;" something that happened just last week. Year 8! In the urgent world, who has time for year 8? But in light of eternity, what is 8 years? Nothing.

In any event, I feel kind of stuck. So there it is, the problem of the urgent long view.

Sweet memories

I recently made a ginger vinaigrette dressing and the tangy flavors reminded me of eating crab with my mother.

Living by the Chesapeake Bay, it was easy to get a bushel of live Atlantic blue crab. Sometimes mom would go out and buy the crab, sometimes we would catch them ourselves, and sometimes friends would give them to us. When the crab made it to our kitchen my mom would steam them, clean them, and then pile them on the newspaper-covered table. We would each get a little bowl of vinegar with ginger slivers and a plate to throw the shells onto. I loved breaking into the hot shells and picking out the gleaming white pieces of sweet crab meat. A quick dunk in the bowl, a morsel in the mouth, and the hunt was on. As time went on, it seemed like it became a mom and me thing. The guys either weren't around or didn't have the patience for it.

This has to be one of my favorite summer memories from my childhood, in the kitchen with my mom. I hope L one day gets to have fresh crab with her own little bowl of vinegar and ginger.

The gospel of peace

What would have happened if Abby Sunderland completed her voyage and successfully become the youngest person to circumnavigate the world? I often wonder what happens to people who achieve record success in their teens. What is there to live for?

But here I am, recently thirty-oned. In the past 400 odd days, I had my first kid, completed my doctorate, my husband found a new job that fits him really well, we moved to a town we both like, bought a house, and are making friends. In checking off so many life goals, I am also faced with the same question, "What else is there to live for?" As far as life goals go, I don't think there are really many more tangible milestones. I might go into academia, but I don't feel like I have to do that. We'll probably have more kids and hopefully they'll grow up living exuberant God-lives and outlive us by many years. But their milestones don't have to be our milestones. So what do we do with the rest of our lives? What is God-life in middle class, suburbia for two introverts?Well, perhaps we can have this ambition--to live a quiet life.

¹¹Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, ¹²so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

~Paul's first letter to believers in Thessalonica, chpt 4

I first encountered this verse as a college freshman and it was the opposite of everything I was hearing. I went to Duke on scholarship, and it always weighed on me that I was expected to make a splash in this world and bring fame and glory to the school. I was learning a lot from the Navigators, a Christian fellowship, and one of their themes was leaving a legacy of reproducing believers. Again, making a splash, just this one would be a kingdom splash. So in the midst of that, wasn't "lead[ing] a quiet life" the antithesis of all the ways I was supposed to make a splash? How could this be an instruction by the Apostle Paul?

As time has rolled by, the verse had made more and more sense. The fact of the matter is that across race, gender, and class, people live with and in a lot of turmoil. Some of the turmoil is really obvious--Haiti, the Gulf Coast, Sudan, Isreal/Gaza, Greece, Iceland, Krygyzstan, and the list goes on. But you know why one of the yards on my block is so beautiful? Because that's how one wife worked out her fear and stress during her husband's cancer treatment. One of the wealthiest people I personally know is buying another beautiful house in an expensive neighborhood because she's getting divorced and has arthritis and the first house she bought has steps she can't manage. Two houses, millions of dollars, and a boatload of loneliness and pain. The quiet life is good news in places of turmoil.

First, the quiet life is hope-full. It's the opposite of desperate and chaotic. Paul says this will "win the respect of outsiders." Second, the quiet life is resource-full. The quiet life isn't "dependent on anybody," instead, it has the time, emotional and physical energy, and material resources to be available to people around. This is graceful living in the guts of life. This gospel of peace is good news in a world of turmoil. So what else is their to live for--the quiet life as kingdom living.